UNICORN OF LIGHT RANT: TAKE 1!!
MSTed by Jessa MaC and Erienna.
Original ‘Fic’ by Unicorn of Light
DISCLAIMER: MST3K and all related...stuff belongs to Best Brains Inc.
Jess and I are in no way making any money from this (we wish!), so don't
sue. Jenko, Finch, and Carnivore belong to Dissolved Girl…We’re just borrowing them.
Farfello is property of Project Weiss, and Crowly is property of Pterry-sama and Gneil-sama.
This rant belongs to Unicorn of Light,
and she's welcome to it. ;) This is in no way meant to offend... just
consider it a cynical form of C&C!
*There is a loud crashing noise, followed a scream and a string of curses.
The camera pans to reveal Carnivore and Jenko in a struggling tangle on
the floor, and Finch huddled in a corner*
CARNIVORE: Jenko, you sick little sod!! *gives Jenko a shake*
JENKO: *shoves at Carnivore* I TOLD you already--it was DS's fault!!!
CARNIVORE: Shut UP, you little beast!
JENKO: *high, nervous tone* Come on now!! This is ME you're talking about,
*Finch jumps at the noise, and both Carnovore and Jenko freeze. A screen
comes fown from the ceiling and blinks to life. A Shadowy Figure (tm)
grinning like the Cheshire Cat appeared*
GRINNING SHADOWY FIGURE: Greetings, pets! It's me again... Erienna! ...I've
found a lovely, demented little story for you three to MST!! *cackles*
CARNIVORE: *climbing off of Jenko* Oh, wonderful...
JENKO: *stands up and dusts himself off* What is it this time, Erienna?
FINCH: *hurries over to the other two*
ERIENNA: *still grinning* Heh heh... just get into the theater, guinneapigs!
You'll see soon enough!! Bwahahahaha!!
CARNIVORE:*growling* Damn authors think they can push us around...
ERIENNA: *alas, still grinning* For that i'm afraid I'll be forced to bring
latest partner in crime...
(another shadowy figure, of which nothing can be seen except creepy
Gendo Ikari glasses appears)
ERIENNA: And my Partner in Crime(tm) has kidnapped a couple people who will
this all the more interesting....
(both Erienna and Jess throw back their heads and begin laughing maniacly)
JENKO: Oh crap. I've got a bad feeling about this...
(there is a puff of pink smoke and an unexciting pop and suddenly...A Brit
wearing shades and a leather jacket appears, followed by a 'slightly'
CROWLY: My...Isn't this interesting.
FARFELLO: *fanning away smoke* Pink Hurts God.
CROWLY: I'm sure it does.
ERIENNA: And now that our little group of gunea pigs are assembled...
JESS: I think it's fic time. ^______________^
(Lights and klaxons go off and the screen fades to black)
ALL: *grumble* We've got Badfic Sign... *head for the theater*
(6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)
Jenko: *sits in the row's first seat* Eh, we gotta get outta here, guys...
Carnivore: *sits to Jenko's right, giving him a slight glare* ...I'm still
demanding an explanation.
Finch: *sitting on Carnivore's right* What WERE you two fighting about??
Farfello: *on Finch's right, eating popcorn* Fighting hurts god!
Finch: Thanks for the input Farf...
Crowly: *on Farf's right* There's nothing wrong with hurting god.
Jenko: *coughs* Uh, hey, look! The fic's starting!! *points*
Carnivore: *mutters something angry under his breath*
(The lights dim, and the torture begins!)
> >> This goes out to all who have known me, before and after last
Finch: What about those of us who didn't??
Jenko: Be very thankful!!
> >> Last Friday,
> >> I
Carnivore: (Unicorn of Light) Realized I was a MAN!
Jenko: (UoL) Finally figured out how to turn on the computer!
Crowly: (UoL) Figured out how to type with more than one finger!
Finch: (UoL) --And now I will subject you to my insane rants! MWAHAHAHA!
> >> was confronted by someone who told me she could feel that there
> >> demons haunting me;
Crowly: I take offence to that. No self respecting Demon 'haunts'.
> >> seven demons who had been released from my Harry Potter books.
Finch: *carefully* Realeased from her Harry Potter books...??
Crowly: That J.K Rowling...Agent of Satan. ^_^;;
Jenko: ...I think it's safe to say she's crazy. o_o
Farf: Harry Potter Hurts God.
Jenko: *looking warely at Farfello* And he's not the only one.
> >> I said yes, they had haunted me the night before and they had been
> >> scary.
Carnivore: Oh, as opposed to the non-scary demons?
Crowly: There are some...
Finch: Yeah, the ones that USUALLY haunt her. ^_^
> >> They had been like long snake-spirits,
Jenko: Heh heh... "snake-spirits"...
Finch: >_< Whatever you're thinking, Kitsune, I don't want to know.
Crowly: Horny Fox...
Farfello: Lust is one of the seven Deadly sins...^_#
Carnivore: Why is it that the best things are always deadly sins? -_-;
> >> swathed in black robes.
> >> They had been on my floor, making me retreat to my bed,
> >> which is at least five feet off the ground.
Carnivore: *raises a brow* Five FEET off the ground...?
Finch: Maybe her bed was levitating?
Farfello: Posessed by the Devil?? *shrugs*
> >> I know why they came. To try and stop me from banishing their
> >> brethren,
> >> who were dwelling inside me.
Jenko: Actually, they came for the free food, but you know, whatever.
Crowly: Again I take offence, no self respecting demon would live inside a
Jenko: Really? *waves a Mary-Sue fic around*
Crowly: *turns red* Ok...So there are some...
> >> I had been thinking of giving up anime that day, and that's why
> >> came.
Finch: Er, I'm sure the demons have something better to do than pay her a
visit because she's giving up anime... O_o;;
Carnivore: Sure, they came to collect all her anime stuff from her. ^_^;
> >> They knew that if I got rid of my anime, I would have so much more
> >> time for God.
Farfello: *cheers* Anime hurts GOD!!
Finch: *blinks* It does??
> >> I saw them, and was scared. They were trying to scare me back into
> >> comfort, anime.
Crowly: Amatures...A real demon wouldn't 'scare'...A few good temptings
cravings would work just fine.
> >> Usually I would watch an anime video (Escaflowne: A Girl In Gaea)
> >> get to sleep,
> >> but not that night.
Jenko: (UoL; evil) Nooo... that night it was time for... HUMAN SACRIFICE!!
> >> Instead I got out my Kent Hovind video and put that in to play
> >> instead.
> >> I was scared to turn my back,
Carnivore: Yeah, I wouldn't want to turn my back on Kent Hovind, either...
Jenko: The minute you're not looking--WHAM!! He's got ya.
> >>but I did. It was the day after that Joy
Finch: Nurse Joy?
> >> saw those demons,
> >> and helped me rebuke them. If you had been there, you would have
> >> witnessed a miracle.
Finch: *eyes Farfarello nervously*
Crowly: *sarcasticly* You are HEEALLLLED muh sister.
> >> Everyone was gathered around me, laying hands on me to pray.
Farf: *twitches more*
Finch: ...*backs away*
Crowly: That laying hands bit...is this an exorcisim or an orgy?
Jenko: Heh... the latter sounds more fun.
Carnivore: I've heard that people get their bones broken during
> >> They
> >> cried out the name of Jesus,
Farf: AHH!!!!!!!! *charges screen*
Jenko and Finch: *sit on Farf to keep him down*
Finch: I saw that one coming... O.o
Jenko: Gee, thanks for warning me, Finch! >_<
> >> trying to help me banish the demons.
Crowly: Contrary to popular belief...people screaming 'JESUS' does dick
except in the case of scaring away muggers-to-be.
Carnivore: I think it'd scare most people... o.x
> >>Anime had opened the door for
> >> them to enter my soul,
> >> and to enter the souls of my baby brother and sister.
Farf: *from under Jenko and Finch* Corrupting Children hurts God.
Jenko: Corruption is fun. ^_^
> >> It was that day that I renounced the demons, and anime, for good.
> >> All my Pokemon cards, Sailor Moon videos, Inu-Yasha manga, and
> >> everything else, lay in ashes.
> >> I burned them.
> >> "....And it smelled of burning; but it was the burning of unclean
> >> things..."
> >> Thanks to me, and partially thanks to Satan
Farf: Satan hurts God.
Jenko: That was a given.
> >>(I love turning his own
> >> works back on him! YEAH!)
> >> people have come to realize that Satan, and his servants, are quite
> >> real.
Crowly: Yes, yes we are. ^_^
> >> They had hold of my soul,
Crowly: By complete accident I assure you.
Carnivore: That's what they ALL say!!
> >> and wouldn't have let go if God hadn't intervened.
Farfello: *screaming* FATHER OF LIEEEESSSS!!!
Jenko: O_o; Where's the duct tape??
> >>I hadn't really
> >> known they were there,
> >> and Satan was able to place blinders on my eyes and ears. Don't
> >> what blinders are?
> >> Let me explain.
Carnivore: Pfft. Give us some credit. We're not morons...
> >> You know in all those movies where you see the happy couple riding
> >> into the sunset
> >> in a horse-drawn cart?
Carnivore: I hate cheesy movies. >_<
Finch: ^^;; They're not that bad.
> >>See those things going over its eyes?
Jenko: ...I think this fic is missing some visuals, or something.
> >> Those are blinders; used to keep the horses from seeing what's
> >> happening.
Jenko: Ie: The horse running into trees.
Farf: Dead horses hurt God.
Carnivore: And they smell bad.
> >> Essentially because if it saw what was happening, it would spook,
> >> run off.
Farf: Lost property hurts God.
> >> Taking the happy couple and cart with it.
Farf: Traffic accidents hurt God.
Crowly: And the car.
> >> That's what Satan does to you when he's got his claws in you,
> >> he puts blinders on your eyes and ears,
Farf: So you run into trees and hurt God.
Crowly: He does?? *checks* No...Last I heard, he inturrupted your
programs and sent under-dukes to collect your rent...
> >> so you can't hear the warnings, can't see what's so wrong.
Finch: *panicky* Ahhh!!! What do we do!?
> >>I know.
Jenko: Good for you?
> >> That's how I was.
> >> Trust me,
Carnivore: Ha! Not if my life depended on it!
> >>if you don't believe in Satan and Hell,
>Carnivore: *eyes Crowly* ...Then you're obviously not in the theater with
> >>it's because he's
> >> put those blinders on you.
> >> Even his own demons hate Hell!
Crowly: *sighs* I must admit that this bit is true. Although...Hell does
the best music.
> >> In the Bible there's the story of a man possessed by many demons,
> >> (He was called Legion because he had so many demons) and when they
> >> were driven out by Jesus,
Crowly: *screams* JESUS!!
Jenko: Well..That accomplished absolutely nothing.
Finch: ...My ears hurt. o.o;
> >> the demons asked that he please not send them back in to the abyss,
Crowly: *as demons* Please don't send us back!! We'll be your best
> >> so he let them enter a herd of pigs grazing on the side of a hill
> >> nearby.
Jenko: Er? Do pigs usually graze??
> >> The pigs all ran down a steep bank into a river and drowned
> >> themselves.
Carnivore: Uh... huh?? Oh, man... this rant lost me awhile ago.
Farfello: Bacon hurts god.
Jenko: Mmm... bacon.... *drool*
> >> Hell is real. Very real.
Crowly: Very very real.
> >> You may think that watching anime, or listening to that secular
> >> is okay with God,
> >> surely He wouldn't care.
Farfello: He doesn't care...Filthy Father of Lies!!!
Crowly: All part of the ineffible plan...this Anime stuff.
Carnivore: Pfft... if I was God, I know I would have better things to do.
> >> After all, it was only a show, right? Hah. God cares. A lot.
Crowly: Enough to let people kill each other over it. ^_^
Carnivore: *perks up* Killing? Where?
> >> Want an example of how much DEMONS love anime?
Crowly: *waves arms* Ooh ooh!! I'm really really fond of Pokemon.
Crowly: *puffs up with pride* We created a new religion with those
things...more pokemon, less time for God!
Farfello: Pikachu hurts God!
Crowly: yes, my friend, Pikachu hurts God.
Finch: ...Oh my. -_-;;
> >> Here ya go.
Carnivore: For me?? ^_^ Aww... you shouldn't have. *deadpan* No, really.
> >>A friend of mine was sitting at her desk, working, when
> >> her mother came running
> >> into the room to tell her what had happened to me.
Crowly: *as mother* Dear! Your Unicorn friend has just been molested by a
bunch of strange people screaming Jesus!!
Jenko: Sounds kinky. ...And scary. x.x
> >> She sat still, and she thought,"So, all anime is evil?"
Finch: No. No it's not.
> >> And she told me it was like a thousand voices in her head
> >> responded,"No!"
Crowly: Reminds me of the soundtrack to another Anime...Akira?? A thousand
voices singing 'DAAAA!! DA DAAAA!!!'...
Finch: Heyy... ^_^ I have that soundtrack. Despite its creepiness, it's
> >> She knew it wasn't God talking.
Crowly: That's because it was Elvis.
Jenko: No, it was the voices in her head.
Finch: Maybe it was Elvis' voice in her head!!
> >> She replied,"Yeees!" The voices cried,"Noooooo!!"
Carnivore: ...Does this sound vaguely disturbing to anyone else? *cough*
> >> She knew what was
> >> there.
Carnivore: Madness! Complete and utter madness!!!
> >> "Yes in the name of Jesus I rebuke you!"
Jenko: Oh yeah, THAT'll teach them. *rolls eyes*
> >> She said she could hear the voices screaming and shrieking as they
> >> faded from her mind.
Crowly: *as wicked witch* AhhH! my pretties!! I'll get you! and Your
> >> Both she and I were anime fans.
> >> I was deeper into it than she was, she was only a Dragon Ball Z
Crowly: Well, that's ENOUGH to be sent to hell. ^_^
Farfello: Sayajins hurt God.
Crowly: Sayajins hurt a LOT of things...
Carnivore: *mutters* Damned DBZ...
> >> I was a fan of many anime. Was. Past tense.
Crowly: Thank you for the emphasis.
Carnivore: Thank you for sharing this CRAP. -_-
> >> Mind you, the temptation is strong for me to go back. Horribly
Crowly: Then I'm doing my job correctly.
> >> But it says in the Bible, that if a demon is rebuked,
> >> and that person doesn't fill the place the demon once inhabited
> >> Godly things,
> >> the demon will find seven spirits even more wicked than itself,
> >> and they will all go back to possess that person once again.
Crowly: I pity the fools who are forced into this sap.
Mr. T: I pity th foo' who don't call collect!!!
(Mr. T disappears)
Finch: That was..... odd....
> >> It takes all I've got, and lots of support, to keep from going back
> >> the broad path of evil that I had been trekking down.
Jenko: Broad path??
Crowly: Better paved. We actually put money into our transport systems.
> >> I tell you now, what price I pay is worth it.
> >> Because no anime, no Pokemon card, no nothing, is worth my soul.
Crowly: Question...What about the anime that preach christianity and
wholesomeness and good stuff....
Jenko: There is such a thing??
Crowly: *falsetto* No one has the right to take the life of another.
Farfello: Knives hurts God. *snickers*
Finch: Figures. Trigun fans.
Carnivore: *sighs* Good old Knives... I bet he'd be up for slaughtering a
certain person... who's innitials are UoL.
> >> I have given it to my Lord Jesus to keep and protect, forever.
Jenko: For ever. For ever and ever and ever. And ever.
Crowly: *singing* and ever...I give my heart you know it's truuueee...
> >> Those who want to see exactly how hard it is to be Christian,
> >> and how horrible it will be after the Rapture, watch the movie
> >> Judgment.
> >> Being Christian is one of the toughest things on this earth to do,
> >> but Jesus is worth so much more!
Finch: (TV Announcer) Yes! Jesus is priceless, but right now with this
special offer, you can get the Messiah for only $99.99!! Yes, that's
right! Call now
and we'll throw in this free Christian loony!
> >> Read the book by DC Talk, about all those killed for their faith.
Crowly: What about those who kill for their faith?? *makes plane smashing
into building motions.*
Jenko: That was sick.
Carnivore: Heh, I like the way this guy thinks. ^_^
Finch: You would.
> >> Watch Tribulation, read Mind Siege or This Present Darkness or
> >> Piercing the Darkness.
Finch: Piercing, eh? *makes stabbing motion* Take this, Darkness! And
> >> You'll see exactly how hard it is to live as God wants us to, but
> >> me,
> >> the reward will always outweigh the losses I suffer here.
Finch: (UoL; evil) Yeeees... more souls! MWAHAHA!!!
Crowly: *snorts* you can't get a decent drink anywhere but here.
> >> And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or
> >> or mother or
> >> children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as
> >> much in return and
> >> will have eternal life.
Crowly: And that's why you should pledge all your belongings to
1-800-religiousfreaksrus...where it will go to the starving children of
Farfello: Televangelists hurt god.
Crowly: And the people they knock over during righteous healings...
Carnivore: Um, someone wanna tell me why it's necessary to give up family
> >> Matthew 19: 29
> >> According to some people, there are many so-called gods and many
> >> lords,
> >> both in heaven and on earth. But we
Crowly: And she speaks for the entire world here.
Carnivore: (UoL) *typing* Heh, time to REALLY offend some people now!
> >> know there is only one God,
> >> the Father, who created everything, and we exist for him.
> >> And there is only one Lord, Jesus Christ,
Finch: ...Stop that. It's creepy. O_o
> >> through whom God made everything and through whom we have been
> >> life.
Crowly:...But God made everything before Jesus was around...I should
Jenko: *points at text* SELF CONTRADICTION!!!!!
Carnivore: *holds his head and sighs* ...This is torture.
> >> 1 Corinthians 8: 5-6
> >> If you think you are standing strong, be careful, for you, too,
> >> may fall into the same sin.
Crowly: (UoL) IeEEEE!! *falls into bucket of sin*
Farfello: Buckets hurt god.
Crowly: If you hit him with them.
Carnivore: Mmmm.... bucket of sin...
Jenko: Extra crispy, or original recipe?
> >> But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no
> >> different
> >> than what others experience.
Crowly: Equal temptation for all!! man women or child!!!
> >> And God is faithful.
> >> He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong you can't stand
> >> against it.
Crowly: *snerks* Heh.
Jenko: Awww... but I WANT temptation!! *whines*
> >> When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will
> >> give into it.
Crowly: *as god* Here!! *points to window*
Jenko: (UoL) Thank you Lord!! *leaps out of the window to escape
IEEEEE!! *falls seven stories*
Crowly: *as God* Ooops! *innocent look*
Carnivore: Heh heh...
> >> 1 Corinthians 10: 12-13
> >> Don't be afriad of those who want to kill you.
Farfello: Wrong...Be afraid. Very Afraid.
Finch: Erm, I tend to fear people who want to off me. O_o
> >> They can only kill your body; they cannot touch your soul.
Crowly: But damn, will it hurt.
Jenko: ("killer") *grins* Got yer soul!! YOINK!
> >> Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Crowly: No, that's Satan.
Finch: (Grandpa Simpson) Deeeeaaaath!
>> >> Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny,
Jenko: ...Damn cheap birds.
> >>can fall to the ground
> >> without
> >> your Father knowing it.
Crowly: 'A thump is heard in Guatamala'
Jenko: *as UoL's mother* What is it dear?
Crowly: *as Father* Damn, there goes another sparrow.
> >>And the very hairs on your head are all
> >> numbered.
Crowly: 1.....2.......3.............6.....Damn. Lost count.
Farfello: This one fell out.
Crowly: Crap..That was seven hundred and three!! Now I'll have to do it
> >> So don't be afriad;
Crowly: But be afraid of God? Self contradiction.
Finch: Be afraid, be very very afraid!!!
> >>you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of
> >> sparrows.
Finch: ...I think I speak for most of the bird community when I say... I
resent that! *mutters* Stupid humans... think they're so great...
Farfello: Because sparrows hurt god.
Crowly: No, Windshields hurt sparrows.
Jenko: You two are sick.
> >> If anyone acknowledges me publicly here on earth,
Carnivore: They will be smoten! Mwahahaha!!!
> >> I will openly acknowledge that person before my Father in Heaven.
Finch: Well... la dee da!
> >> But if anyone denies me here on earth,
Jenko: They will suffer a brutal death!! *evil laugh*
> >> I will deny that person before my Father in Heaven.
Carnivore: Do I look like I care?
> >> Matthew 10: 28-33
> >> _________________________________________________________________
Finch: Hey... *blinks* I... I think it's over.
Jenko: ...HUZZAH! ^_^ *jumps out of his seat and cheers*
Carnivore: ....-_- I need a drink. And maybe some deadly sins... yeah,
sounds good. ^_^
Crowly: Always sounds good...*waves car keys* To the bar my friend??
Farfello: Addictions hurt God...
Crowly: Most certainly...but especially when I'm involved...You coming?
Farf: Hurrah. ^_#
Carnivore: ...Anywhere far from crazy Christians sounds good to me.
MSTing by Erienna and Jessa MaC
Erienna's Note: Well... ^_^;; That was full of some of the oddest claims
I've heard in quite some time! O_o; But it was fun to MST! Ja ne!
Stinger: "Dear! Your unicorn friend was just molested by a bunch of people screaming ‘Jesus!!"