The MST of Final Fantasy Tactics: Part 1

by Fenrir

Slowly Karade, Yosho, Gohan, and Kiyone entered the theater and took their seats. Fenrir had told them that he would have something big for them and they were all curious as to what it would be.

Fenrir: *Walks up onto the stage.* I promised you all that I had a large project for you to begin work on today. Well I’m here to announce that the next thing you are going to MST is none other than Final Fantasy Tactics!

All: The entire game?!

Fenrir: Yes, It’s going to take a while to do all of it of course. In total it’s more than 90 pages long. Hey it’s something for us to do this summer.

Karade: I’ve heard of this game though, didn’t it get a really horrible translation?

Fenrir: Yes, it wouldn’t be fun otherwise now would it?

Yosho: Plot More Complex Than Xenogears + Bad Translation = Major Confusion!

Fenrir: I would also like to give big credit to “Jennifer DeHart” for writing out the script of the game. I could have played through it again and got the script, but her doing it saves me a lot of time. I found it on her website, which I seem to have lost the address to. Well let’s begin.

>> =======================================================

Gohan: It’s a line!

Karade: Two lines even!

>>NOTE: This is the full script from Square's masterpiece, Final Fantasy Tactics. The only section missing is that from the Deep Dungeon quest, which, I admit, is a bit too complicated for me to complete. <G>

Yosho: Ahh, so we don’t get to hear about the thirteenth Zodiac sign? What a shame.

=======================================================

Kiyone: *Suspiciously* An AOL person who isn’t a complete idiot? This really is amazing.

>>T h e Z o d i a c B r a v e S t o r y

Karade: Well you see there were these Zodiacs and they were real brave and they had a story and . . .

>>A warrior takes sword in hand, clasping a gem to his heart.

Gohan: Then shouldn’t he be dead? I mean if he’s clasping the gem to his heart.

Kiyone: I’m guessing they mean that metaphorically. You know he’s clutching it to his chest.

>>Engraving vanishing memories into the sword

Yosho: If your writing down memories, wouldn’t paper be easier than a sword?

>>He places finely honed skills into the stone

Karade: So it’s like materia?

>>Spoken from the sword, handed down from the stone.

Yosho: A talking sword? Like the Black Sword form the Silmarillion?

>>Now the story can be told.

>>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: *As Croc Hunter* Blimey! Aren’t we lucky? First we get to see the elusive double line, and now we get to see the dashed line! Cricky! It’s just unbelievable our luck!

>>I am Alazlam, a scholar of ancient Ivalice history...

Kiyone: Listen, you don’t have to make it dramatic by adding ellipses.

>>Have you ever heard of the "Lion War"?

Yosho: No . . . I have heard of the War of the Roses which this is heavily influence by though.

>>It divided Ivalice in two over who would be the successor to the throne.

Karade: Damn! I mean I know people can get a little upset when they have to wait to use the bathroom, but a war over it?

Kiyone: Somehow I think they mean who get’s to be King or Queen.

>>It ended with the appearance of a young hero named Delita.

Everybody living here knows this hero's tale...

Yosho: Really? Every last person knows this Delita’s story?

>>But we also know that what we see with our eyes alone...

isn't necessarily the truth.

Karade: *Snicker* Yup, but if you get a good feel you can usually tell it their fake.

>>Here's a young man.

Gohan: There’s a young man, everywhere a young man!

>>He is the youngest son of the noble Beoulve...pillars of knighthood.

Yosho: And just how the hell is “Beoulve” pronounced?

Karade: Maybe it’s French?

Kiyone: Well from now on it’s going to be “un-pronounceable last name”

>>There's no record of his playing an active part in history, but...

Yosho: He did, so there, the end.

Kiyone: Not even remotely close.

>>According to the "Duray Report" released

Yosho: Wow, “Duray” sounds like a really fun guy. . .

>>last year (concealed for many years by the church),

Karade: Yeah, they had the report then someone went and dropped a church on top of it.

>>this unknown man is the true hero...

The church claims he was a blasphemer and anarchist -- the root of all evil...

Kiyone: Wait, didn’t it say there was no record of his playing a role in history? If there was a report isn’t that a record?

>>But is this the "truth"?

Gohan: The truth is out there. Somewhere. Somewhere over the rainbow. . . *Gohan is attacked by the others.*

Won't you join me on a journey for the "truth"?

All: We most certainly would not!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: Here once again we see the magnificent dashed line. Ain’t she a lovely little critter?

>>Orbonne Monastery

[Priest, Knight, Princess]

Karade: Fireman, Chef, Postal Employee

>>"God, please help us sinful children of Ivalice."

[Princess prays silently]

Kiyone: But didn’t she just speak out loud?

>>FEMALE KNIGHT: Princess Ovelia, let's go.

Karade: *As Agrias* PARTY!

Gohan: How do you know her name’s Agrias?

Kiyone: He read down a few lines.

>>PRINCESS OVELIA: Just a moment, Agrias...

AGRIAS: The guards have already arrived.

Kiyone: *As Ovelia* Damn it Agrias! Can’t you see I’m trying to pray over here?!

>>PRIEST: Princess, don't give Agrias trouble. Please hurry...

Kiyone: *As Ovelia again* Off with his head!

>>[enter three knights]

Yosho: And lo, the darkness covered the Earth for three days and three nights.

Kiyone: That’s “knights” not “nights.”

BLACK KNIGHT: What's going on? It's been nearly an hour!

AGRIAS: Don't be rude to the Princess, Gafgarion.

Karade: So it’s okay for her to boss the princess around, but when Gafgarion tries that’s not okay?

Yosho: And what kind of name is “Gafgarion” anyway?

>>[men kneel]

Karade: Good thing this isn’t a lemon.

>>GAFGARION: Is this going to be alright, Agrias? This is an urgent issue for us.

All: Huh? Story no make sense.

>>AGRIAS: So there are rude knaves even among the Hokuten?

Karade: *Mock Offended* Hokuten you too lady!

>>GAFGARION: I'm being more than kind to the guard captains here. Besides, we're mercenaries hired by the Hokuten. I'm not obliged to show respect for you.

Yosho: Well that might be true, but I’m guessing you are obliged to show respect to the princess.

>>AGRIAS: What? How dare you!

Kiyone: *As person from Ren and Stimpy* How! Daaaaare! You!

>>OVELIA: Enough. Let's go.

[Ovelia turns to the priest]

Yosho: *As Ovelia* Yo G, peace out bro!

>>PRIEST: Go with God.

OVELIA: You too, Simon.

Gohan: I’m surprised we’ve been able to get this far with out a Catholic priest joke.

Kiyone: Well Simon is like 95% of the Catholic priests in that he hasn’t done anything like the other five percent have.

Yosho: Don’t worry, when we get to the evil priests we’ll do enough of those jokes to keep you happy for a year.

>>[A noise resounds at the door.

Yosho: *As noise* Echo . . . Echo . . .

>>A knight barges in, wounded. Simon rushes to her side.]

FEMALE KNIGHT: Lady Agrias!... The enemy!

SIMON: Prince Goltana's men!?

Kiyone: No, Elmo.

>>[Agrias rushes outside]

GAFGARION: What one must do to make money. What, Ramza? You have a problem, too?

Yosho: Did I miss something? I don’t remember Ramza saying anything.

>>RAMZA: ...I'm no longer a Knight. Just a mercenary like you.

GAFGARION: ...That's right. Well then. Let's go!

Karade: *As Gafgarion* I talk. In two. Word sentences!

>>[The three knights exit.]

OVELIA: Oh God...

[fade out]

Yosho: Is that it? Can we go now?

>>Outside of the Monastery

Yosho: Damn it!

>>-- battle

[Agrias, Goltana Knights, etc.]

Karade: *As Goltana Knights* We are here for the princess!

Yosho: *As Obi-Wan* This is not the princess that you are looking for.

>>AGRIAS: The crest of the Black Lion!? What's wrong with Prince Goltana!? He's such an idiot! Does he want to start a war!?

Kiyone: You tell them Agrias!?!?!

>>GOLTANA KNIGHT: Knave! There's no point in resisting! Just give us the Princess, or that beautiful face of yours will be scarred forever!

Kiyone: Ahh, isn’t that sweet. Now cut him up Agrias!

>>[enter Gafgarion, Ramza, knight]

Yosho: The knights name is Rad.

Karade: Because he’s hardcore to the bone?

Yosho: Er. . . Something like that.

Kiyone: Except that Rad is a Squire not a Knight.

>>GAFGARION: Fool! Only idiots attack head on!

Gohan: What?! But if you attack from the side or behind it’s not fair!

>>AGRIAS: Leave this to us!

GAFGARION: We can't make money that way! Rad, Ramza! Follow me!!

Karade: Everyone’s so excited in this story.

>>[battle ensues]

GAFGARION: Kill them all! Don't leave any survivors!

AGRIAS: Nonsense! There's no need to kill them!

Kiyone: You know as leader of the princess’s guards, Agrias sure doesn’t seem all that eager to fight people that are threatening Ovelia.

>>That's just what Goltana wants us to do! Just let them go!

GAFGARION: That's impossible!

Yosho: He’s right, there is no retreat option in this game. All battles are to the death.

>>[sparring]

Karade: Oh I think it’s a lot more than that.

>>[Once the enemies are defeated...]

Karade: See.

>>PRINCESS OVELIA: [from behind the monastery] Let go of me!

Gohan: So is this where we get to do those jokes?

Kiyone: No, not yet.

>>AGRIAS: Damn!!

[Behind the monastery...]

KNIGHT: Come here! Be quiet!!!

Karade: *As Knight* Can’t you see I’m trying to kidnap you?

>>OVELIA: Why should I listen to you!?

KNIGHT: What an annoying Princess.

Karade: Yeah, don’t you just hate it when the people you are trying to kidnap don’t want to go along?

>>[The knight slaps Ovelia, throws her over his shoulder, and onto the back of a Chocobo, which he mounts.

Karade: Well we all see the mounting joke, so I won’t bother.

>>Agrias rushes to the scene.]

AGRIAS: Wait!!!

Yosho: *As Kefka* Wait she says? Do I look like a waiter?

>>KNIGHT: Tough... Don't blame us. Blame yourself or God.

[The knight rides off.]

AGRIAS: Oh, God...

Kiyone: So I guess she is going with the second choice?

>>RAMZA: [nearby] ...Delita?? You're alive, Delita? But, why are you in Goltana's troops? Why...?

[fade out]

Kiyone: To many questions!

>>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: And here we have yet another dashed line.

>>Delita's name appears for the first time a year before the Lion War broke out.

Gohan: It just dropped from the sky or something?

>>Many soldiers who returned from the war, had no jobs, little money, and even less loyalty to the crown.

Yosho: And you guys know what that means.

All: Rebellion!

>>Many became thieves and rebels plotting rebellion against the royal family.

At that time robbery and murder were comonplace in Ivalice.

Kiyone: I’m guessing they were “commonplace” even.

>>Many heroes and wizards came out of there. And Gariland was no exception either.

Karade: Hi! I’m Gari! And this is my land!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: Look! It’s a-

Others: Stop doing that!

>>CHAPTER ONE: THE MEAGER

Gohan: So how many chapters are there?

Kiyone: Four.

Gohan: Oh well that’s not so bad.

Kiyone: One of the chapters is fifty six pages long.

Gohan: 0_0

>>Military Academy's Auditorium

[miltary cadets]

Karade: You left out an “i” in military.

Kiyone: Quiet, were no supposed to insult this author. If you copied down ninety pages of text chances are you would make a few typos as well.

>>[Chatter ensues.]

Yosho: Less chatter, more splatter!

>>CADET: I heard another wagon bound for Igros was attacked

CADET II: Must have been the Death Corps...

Kiyone: Gee, I wonder if a group called the “Death Corps” are evil?

>>RAMZA: Something's starting... Know anything, Delita?

DELITA: No...but I can guess.

Karade: *As Delita* My guess is giant Muppets are going to run rampant. What? It could happen.

>>RAMZA: What do you mean?

DELITA: Prince Larg's coming to town.

RAMZA: Prince Larg? Why?

DELITA: Not only Larg, but Marquis Elmdor of Limberry, too.

Yosho: Elmdor has silver hair so you all know what that means right?

Others: He’s evil yet cool?

Yosho: Right!

>>RAMZA: That's news! It's not an official visit, is it?

DELITA: There are danger zones everywhere in Ivalice. The Hokuten Knights are in full operation, but suffering from a shortage of men.

Kiyone: So I guess it’s not *starts singing* “raining men”?

Yosho: Hmm, well that’s really out of character for you Kiyone.

>>RAMZA: So, they need us cadets.

[A voice calls from behind.]

Karade: *As Delita* Damn Ramza, lay off the beans would you?

>>VOICE: Everyone, fall in!

Yosho: *As Milon* Fall flat into ravine!

[The knight makes his way to the Stage.]

HOKUTEN KNIGHT: You have a mission! As you know, barbarians are rapidly increasing here in Gallionne.

All: Huh?

Yosho: Barbarians are increasing what? In numbers?

>>The traitorous Death Corps detest the royal family. We cannot overlook them.

Karade: *As Hokuten Knight* Because let’s face it, their some ugly bastards.

>>We will begin exterminating these traitors. By order of our Master.

Kiyone: Thankfully this is a video game script and not a lemon. I really don’t want to read another one of “those” fics.

>>Larg's Knights stationed at Igros Castle and many other groups will participate. Your duty is to support the flank.

Karade: *Snicker* Flank . . .

>>Specifically, you'll go to Igros and help guard it.

[A female knight approaches from the back, exchanges words with the Hokuten Knight, and departs.]

Yosho: *As Hokuten Knight* Okay well I have to go now. The guys are holding a party. But uh, good luck with those barbarians cadets.

>>HOKUTEN KNIGHT: Cadets, ready your swords! A gang of tortured thieves is trying to sneak into this town. We'll begin preparations now to keep them out of town! Come with me! This is the frontline of operations! That's all! Prepare immediately!

Kiyone: *Adding on a calculator.* Yup, that’s six out of the last seven sentences ending with an exclamation point.

>>[fade out]

Magic City Gariland -- battle

Karade: So is that something like San Francisco

[thieves, Ramza, Delita, company]

Yosho: Cause Three’s Company too!

Gohan: I hated that show.

Kiyone: Yeah so did I.

>>THIEF: What's this? Just a bunch of kids! What luck! OK, all we have to do is kill these kids! Then, we can escape! Don't you worry! We'll kill everyone of you!

Yosho: Wow, killing kids. That sure makes you such a big man doesn’t it?

>>[battle ensues]

DELITA: Ramza, watch out! Don't rush them!

RAMZA: Don't patronize me, Delita! I'm also a Beoulve!!

Yosho: Uh, I think he was just offering some sound tactical advice.

>>THIEF: Beoulve!? THE Beoulve family!? So, you must be cadets from the military academy! Snot-nosed little nobles!!

All: *As Cadets* That’s us!

Karade: This guy had better watch out. He wouldn’t want to piss off “Ramza Un-pronounceable Last Name” now would he?

>>RAMZA: Silence! Surrender or die in obscurity!!

THIEF: What can a bunch of kids like you do? Buncha spoiled punks like you'll never beat us!!

Yosho: Well considering this is the first real fight in the game, I’m kinda guessing they will.

>>[sparring]

[Once the enemies are defeated...]

RAMZA: Why do you continue committing acts like robbery? You wouldn't have died this way if you'd led an honest life.

Kiyone: Maybe it’s because they are poor?

Karade: Or because robbery is fun?

>>[The group consisting of Ramza, Vincent, Zack, Charmaine, Aurora, Dietrich, and Delita moved onward, buying supplies and whatever they needed.]

>>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yosho: *Is about to say something before the others glare at him.*

>>Having attained the highest rank of Heavenly Knight, brave Balbanes was facing his last days...

Karade: Balbanes? *Bursts out laughing.*

>>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

>>The End of the Fifty Year War

Yosho: So something like the Hundred Years War? Square really has no problem ripping off stuff do they?

>>The Beoulve Residence

[Balbanes, Zalbag, Dycedarg, Alma]

Karade: What the hell kind of names are those?

Kiyone: Alma means soul.

Yosho: Shhh, that’s almost a plot spoiler.

Gohan: Oh you mean like if I said three of those four would be dead by the end of the game?

Kiyone: *Sigh* Yes something like that.

>>[Balbanes lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his children.]

BALBANES: How goes... the battle?

ZALBAG: Through swift action we were able to recover Limberry. It's only a matter of time before the Ordalia army leaves Zeltennia. Don't worry.

Gohan: Ahh, Zalbag, the good brother.

Kiyone: Would you quit giving away the plot!

>>LORD DYCEDARG: The secret messenger sent to Count Lenario has returned. Count Lenario has agreed to your plan.

Karade: LENARIO! secrets. . .

Gohan: Huh?

Karade: Watch Conan more to get that one.

>>BALBANES: Good... then, at last... this long war... will finally come to an end...

ALMA: Father...

Yosho: *As Balbanes* That’s right Alma, I am your father.

Kiyone: *As Alma* Nooooo! It can’t be true! Oh, wait a minute. You are my father.

>>[Alma turns to tears.]

Yosho: Somebody get us a mop over here!

>>BALBANES: Don't cry... my daughter...

ZALBAG: Where is Ramza? Just when we need him most!

Karade: And now I dream about it.

Yosho: No one’s going to get that one Karade.

>>BALBANES: Dycedarg, Zalbag... my beloved sons... Take care of Ramza. He may be your half brother, but he is my own flesh.

[Footsteps are heard echoing through the corridor. Ramza bursts through the door.]

Gohan: Turning the knob would have worked better. You know, I’m just saying.

>>RAMZA: Father!!

[Ramza approaches Balbanes' bedside.]

DYCEDARG: Lower your voice.

BALBANES: I'm glad you came... Let me... look at you....

Karade: *As Balbanes* You always were cute son.

Others: Ewww.

>>[Dycedarg steps aside. Ramza moves closer.]

RAMZA: Father...

BALBANES: It has been a long time. You've become a fine man. You start at the Academy... in spring, don't you?

Kiyone: Yeah, but what I really want to do is be a dancer!

>>[Balbanes reaches for Ramza's hand. Ramza grabs hold.]

RAMZA: ...

Yosho: Ahh, behold RPG character’s ability to pronounce punctuation.

>>BALBANES: Listen, Ramza... A Beoulve has served the royal family for generations.

Kiyone: And boy is he an old guy now.

>>The warrior spirit is in us. Never shame your name...

Gohan: Oh don’t worry about that, Dycedarg will take care of that for us.

Kiyone: For the last time quit giving plot spoilers!

>>Never tolerate injustice... Living true to your heart is the warrior's way... The Beoulve way.

Karade: *As Balbanes* And remember one thing Ramza. It’s my way, my way or the highway!

>>RAMZA: I understand, Father.

Yosho: *As Ramza* I understand, I don’t care, but I understand.

BALBANES: Delita's a good boy. He should serve you well... I've asked the dean to accept him into the Academy. It shocked the dean a bit. He will serve you well... Treat him well...

Kiyone: Ahh, if only Balbanes hadn’t done that. So much blood shed could have been avoided.

Gohan: Now whose giving plot spoilers?

>>RAMZA: [sobbing] Y, yes... father...

[Ramza leans in closer.]

BALBANES: Take good care of Alma... [Balbanes pulls his hand away, and rests it beside himself.] Become a fine knight... Ramza.

[Balbanes dies.]

Karade: Well that’s one down, two to go.

Fenrir: And that’s the end of part 1.

All: Yay!