Int. Jedi Temple Discipline Chamber
Adi Gallia, Bultar Swan, and Shaak Ti drag a struggling Aayla Secura into the room with them and force her into one of the seats before a huge white movie screen. Yoda hobbles toward the doorway and watches the proceedings.
YODA: Watch over her you must, ladies, for this penalty she must endure for her indiscretions.
ADI: Yeah, yeah, we know, Master. We have to baby-sit her so she doesn’t try to escape. You don’t have to remind us.
AAYLA: How can you guys be so mean? I didn’t do anything to deserve this!
BULTAR: What about sticking the videocamera in Obi-Wan’s shower stall?
AAYLA: What, like you’ve never wanted to see a guy you’ve got the hots for in his birthday suit?
SHAAK: And the constant scrawlings on all the bathroom walls in the galaxy claiming you scored with him?
AAYLA: Well, I am gonna get him! I’m just trying to speed up the process!
ADI: And what about the cheesecake photos and raunchy love letters you keep leaving under his pillow every night?
AAYLA: You’re just jealous ‘cause you don’t look as good as me.
BULTAR: And let’s not forget those Obi-Wan-related Mary Sues you keep writing and passing off as Jedi mission reports—
YODA: Enough already! (pause) Enough time you have wasted arguing. Very upset Master Obi-Wan is over young Secura’s unchecked lust. Be carried out her punishment must, and quickly, for miss the special charity Karaoke Cabaret at the McCallum Arts and Entertainment Center tonight I will not.
SHAAK: Well, neither will we! The whole Jedi Order’s gonna be performing tonight!
BULTAR: Yeah, we wanna be in on it, too!
AAYLA: Oh, I hope Obi will sing “I’m Too Sexy”! That’d be truth in advertising!
(everyone gives Aayla a withering look)
YODA: All of you, hand over your lightsabers. Take a chance on young Secura trying to escape her punishment, we must not.
(all four women hand over their lightsabers, bitching all the while)
YODA: Very good. Now see to Secura’s penalty. Locked the door will be until finished the fic is. (walks off, sealing the doors behind him)
AAYLA (snorting): This is SO not fair….
ADI: Hey, you brought it on yourself. Now let’s get this over with. I don’t wanna miss the karaoke for anything.
(the other three Jedi ladies sit down, and the fic begins)
The Origin of Ninjor
SHAAK: Oh, Lord, this had better not be about who I think it is….
AAYLA: Uh, if the title is “The Origin of Ninjor,” that kinda tells you who it’s about, doesn’t it?
BULTAR: I see someone doesn’t know squat about Masters of the Universe.
AAYLA: Who are the masters of the universe?
BULTAR (shaking her head): Never mind.
By: Sonny Iverson (Ninjor)
ADI: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!
SHAAK: Well, this fic’s as good as garbage….
BULTAR (burying her face in her hands): Why, God? Why do you do this to us?
AAYLA: Guys, what are you getting so uptight about? All the author did was give his name! It’s nothing to spaz out over!
ADI (glaring): If you suffer a tenth as much as we will, kid, it’ll make up for the indignity of having to read this crap.
Chapter 1
It was a hot day in Franklin, La where a young boy was practicing out
in his back yard with a Saimiri sword.
BULTAR: “Saimiri”?
AAYLA: Doesn’t he mean “ysalamiri”?
SHAAK: An ysalamiri sword? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of!
"Don't you think you had better stop?"
said a voice from behind him.
ADI: Yes, please stop writing these fics! You’re inflicting cruel and unusual punishment upon us!
"You kidding, I got to be ready for anything
bro." said the young boy.
BULTAR (gangsta rap voice): Yeah, dawg! I gots ta be big pimpin’, yo! Step off ‘fore I stomp yo’ azz, ya smell me, G?
"I swear to God Sonny, you're working yourself too
hard."
SHAAK: At making us sick to our stomachs? Nope, comes very easily to him.
"I don't think so Shelby, you aint seen nothing yet."
AAYLA (as Sonny): You should see me commit seppuku! Of course, I can only do it once….
said Sonny
sheilding his sword in it's holder.
ADI: “It’s Holder”? Who’s Holder?
AAYLA: “Holder”? Why, that’s what Obi-Wan should to do me, of course!
SHAAK (rolling her eyes): This punishment is SO not working….
"Well, you ready to go ride?" asked
Shelby, "Yea, just let me go pick this up and I'll be right there." said
Sonny going in the house.
BULTAR: Well, I see someone failed high school composition class….
SHAAK: Moral of the story, folks—never let Sonny write a conversation between two people. You’ll only wind up with something that’ll give you a headache.
Meanwhile in a castle that was made of stone with a face of a skull
on it, a beautiful woman sat on a throne. She was dressed in white, blue,
and orange cloak made of feathers wearing a cowl of a Falcons head. She was
the Sorceress of Castle Grayskull.
ADI: Yes, Sonny, thank you for spelling out who this woman is. We never would have guessed from the way she’s dressed.
BULTAR: Yes, there are just so many busty young redheads running around wearing blue feathered leotards. How could we have ever told who this girl was without you?
AAYLA: How are her feathers wearing a falcon cowl?
ADI: Shh! You’re not supposed to notice that kind of stuff!
Down before her was a man with blonde hair
dress in a white shirt with purple tights, fuzzy underwear, and boots, and a
pink vest.
SHAAK: You gotta love a man secure enough in his masculinity to run around dressed in pink and lavender spandex.
AAYLA: Feh. Black spandex is so much better. Just ask yours truly, Olivia Newton-John, Natasha Romanov, Donna Troy, Helena Bertinelli, Selina Kyle—
SHAAK (annoyed): We get the point, Aayla.
"You wanted to see me Sorceress?" said the man. "Prince Adam,
gaze into the mirror of time and you will see a sight unbelievable even to
me." said the Sorceress as she waved her hand in front of the mirror.
BULTAR (as Zoar): It’s a really crappy Mary Sue that displaces you as the hero of MotU.
He saw a
man clad in black clothing and a black hood and mask standing next to a man
with blue skin, purple armor, boots, and a hood that covered a yellow skull
which was the man head and face.
ADI: “The man head”?
AAYLA (as Brak): And I’ll bet he has a beautiful man voice, too! (pause) But not as beautiful as my Obi’s voice, of course.
BULTAR: Geez, I don’t know what’s worse, this fic or her obsession.
"Skeletor, all goes well, we have nothing
to fear." said the man in black. "Good, for once you didn't mess up Ninjor."
said Skeletor.
SHAAK: Oh, yes, he did. He wrote this fic, for one thing.
"All we have to do now is lure He-Man to this site and he
will be trapped forever." laughed the evil lord of destruction.
AAYLA: Who’s the evil lord of destruction?
BULTAR: Skeletor, you little blue ditz!
AAYLA: But it can’t be Skeletor. He already spoke.
ADI: Leave it Sonny to create reader confusion….
"How will
we stop them?" asked Adam.
ADI: Burn this fic before anyone else reads it?
"Look now." said the Sorceress showing a picture
of Sonny Iverson practicing again with the sword. "Who is he?"
BULTAR: A talentless dweeb who couldn’t master the art of story and paragraph structure in a millennium of Sundays.
SHAAK: A Mary Sue even more annoying than John Tyler.
"He is Sonny
Iverson from Franklin, Louisiana, but you must not tell him that you know who
he is." said the Sorceress. "He looks like the man who was standing next to
Skeletor only different."
AAYLA: No $#!+, Sherlock! He’s not wearing a mask in this image! Of course he’s gonna look different!
"Yes, and we must convince him to come and help
us." "How?" asked Adam. "You will go to earth as He-Man and bring no one."
ADI (as Zoar): But you can bring a two. Or a three. Oh, hell, you can bring any number you like as long as it’s not a one.
said the Sorceress as she showed him the portal that would take him to where
the young ninja was.
BULTAR: In that special little corner of Hell reserved for writers of crappy Mary Sues.
"Very well." he said and he pulled out his sword and
held it up shouting, "By the power of Grayskull!" A bolt of lighting struck
the tip of the sword covering Adam in a white glow. As the glow faded Adam
was no longer there, in his place was He-Man. He gripped the sword with both
hands and yelled, "I have the power!"
SHAAK: Not enough power to escape this fic, I’m afraid.
AAYLA: That outfit of his is so wrong. (sniffs) There should be a law against men wearing tights or running around scantily-clad. Those things are a woman’s domain.
ADI: You don’t like seeing a tall, well-built hunk running around half-naked? My God, your taste is all in your mouth, girl!
AAYLA: I’m sorry, but a blond Aragorn wannabe prancing around in furry Speedos is not sexy. Now, a tall, bearded stud with a Scottish accent dressed in brown and tan Jedi robes…oooh, baby. (sighs) Oh, Obi….
BULTAR: That’s it. Once this fic’s over, I’m gonna kill her.
"Pass through the portal He-Man and
hurry."
ADI: You’ll escape this fic faster thru this route.
said the Sorceress as He-Man ran through the portal to earth.
"Wow, this is almost like Eternia." said He-Man in amazement.
AAYLA: Care to explain how Earth is like Eternia?
BULTAR: Forget it, kid. Description is not Sonny’s strong suit.
"Who's
there?" said Sonny holding his sword ready to defend himself. "Hi, I'm
He-Man, defender of Eternia and I need your help young ninja." said He-Man
calmly. "You got proof?" asked Sonny. "Is this enough proof?" said He-Man
pulling out his sword. "I am familiar with that sword, did the Sorceress
send you?" asked Sonny. "Yes, how did you know?" said He-Man in amazement.
"She contacted me before you came, I had to make sure it was you." said Sonny
shielding his sword. "Where's the gate?" asked Sonny ready to go. "Over
there." said He-Man pointing in the direction of the portal. "Good, my
parents knew this day would come, I have my bags ready." "Well, let's
go get on with your training." said He-Man walking before him.
AAYLA: Uhhh…um…WTF just went on?
SHAAK: I think my head just exploded trying to keep track of all that.
ADI: How the #*&^ did Sonny know about Grayskull and plan ahead?
BULTAR: Plot Hole #750, 893.
Chapter 2
"So, this is Castle Grayskull huh?" said Sonny walking through the
gate. "Yes, it's not much, but it's home." said the Sorceress.
SHAAK: Yes, huge imposing castles with skulls for faces are so unimpressive.
BULTAR: Yeah, they’re just a dime a dozen. Now dirty, trash-strewn trailer parks…THOSE are impressive.
ADI: Careful, Bultar. Your head might collapse in on itself from all the sarcasm.
"Sorceress."
said Sonny kneeling and kissing her hand. "A real gentleman." said the
Sorceress blushing for that was the first time a person had done that to her.
ADI: Let me get this straight. A gorgeous redhead with a body most women would kill for dressed in feathery lingerie hasn’t been able to get a guy to flirt with her until this dweeb comes along?
SHAAK: Yeah, right! What planet is this on, Bizarro World?
AAYLA: Hmph. She’s not that good-looking.
ADI (dumbfounded): WHAT?
BULTAR: Aayla, are you blind? That woman is a knockout!
AAYLA: Oh, please. If this Sorceress Zoar chick qualifies as “hot,” then I’m an ILM production staffer.
SHAAK (rolling her eyes): I’m not even going to touch the irony in that comment….
"So, to business, why do you need my help?" said Sonny. "Well, we need you
to help us takeout Skeletor and his henchman Ninjor."
AAYLA: Hey, wait a minute! I thought Sonny Iverson was Ninjor!
BULTAR: Never mind the inconsistencies. They’re just par for the course.
"Hmm, this will be
hard." said the ninja preparing for training.
SHAAK: Who’s the ninja preparing for training?
ADI: Worst case scenario, it’s this Sonny guy. Best case scenario, it’s Zen the Intergalactic Ninja making a desperate bid for career resuscitation.
As he put on his battle gear,
AAYLA: But he only just got to Eternia. Where did this battle gear of his come from?
ADI: Mary Sues ‘R’ Us?
the Sorceress took He-Man aside and said, "We may need to train him on Etheria
with Adora in case he is needed there someday."
BULTAR: Yes, you never know when She-Ra might need to be displaced as the hero by a guy with a predilection for sloppy paragraph structure, incoherent dialogue, and enough spelling errors to blow up your spell check.
"Your right, we'll train him
on both worlds so he will know the territory." said He-Man taking his new
friend out of Castle Grayskull.
AAYLA: Throwing him headfirst into the adjacent abyss, where he met a disgusting and messy death on the rocks below. The end.
ADI: Wishful thinking, I’m afraid.
In the throne room of King Randor and Queen Marlania,
BULTAR: Who’s Queen Marlania?
SHAAK: Must be Marlena’s slutty twin sister.
ADI: Nothing like a conniving sister to shag her brother-in-law.
He-Man stood
with the ninja and introduced him to the King and Queen. "Your Majesties,
this is a friend from earth who has come to help us get rid of Skeletor and
his henchman Ninjor." said He-Man.
AAYLA (getting frustrated): But I thought Sonny Iverson was Ninjor!
SHAAK: Don’t think about it. It’ll only burn out that pea-brain of yours.
AAYLA: Hey, that’s not a bit nice! You have made me angry, very angry indeed!
BULTAR: Ya know, that line just doesn’t carry the same impact without Mel Blanc saying it.
The queen's eyes grew wide when she heard
he was from earth. "You are from earth?" she said surprised. "Yes your
Majestie, Louisiana to be excact."
ADI: “Excact”?
SHAAK: Maybe he means “ipecac.”
AAYLA: I don’t think we need that. This fic’s enough to make me wanna hurl.
said the ninja who humbled himself in
their presence sence this was the first time he was in front of royalty.
BULTAR: And there’s our unnamed ninja again.
AAYLA: Would it really kill them to let us know what his name is?
ADI: I think we’re supposed to assume it’s Sonny.
AAYLA: But we’re not supposed to assume anything. It makes an @$$ of you and me.
ADI: Well, Aayla, as long as you can admit that you’re an @$$—
AAYLA: Hey!
"My
word, I have a cousin who lives in Louisiana named Kerry Henson." said the
queen. "Then my dear queen, you are in deep trouble if he finds out I'm here
and get hurt cause he is my brother-in-law, I'm Shelly's younger brother."
said the ninja astonished to hear the Kerry was related to roallity.
ADI: Oh, goody, Sonny’s He-Man’s cousin.
SHAAK: Like Supergirl to Superman, only Sonny’s not even remotely cool.
BULTAR: What’s “roallity,” anyway?
"I
thought I recognized that voice, how is he?" "Good, Shelly and him have a
little girl named Amber and they are housing Shelby, his first cousin, cause
his parents kicked him out his house." "I figured that, how is your mom and
dad?" "Good. Dad is working in Sorrel Sugars and Mom is still at Wal-Mart."
said the ninja as they carried on their conversation.
AAYLA: Uhhh…who’s talking?
ADI: Who cares? This dialogue is so bad it ain’t even worth bothering to follow.
"Yes, well, we are
honored to have you as our guess, Captain Teela, show our young friend to his
room." said King Randor as the beautiful Teela, captain of the royal gaud,
walked over to him.
SHAAK; What’s the “royal gaud”?
BULTAR: Maybe it’s King Randor saying “Oh, gaud, how did I ever get myself into such a $#!++y fan-fic?”
"Please follow me." she said walking to the door. "Yes Mam." said
the ninja walking directly behind her. 'Damn, that girl is ****ing fine!'
thought the ninja to himself.
AAYLA: Oh, give me a break. There isn’t a human chick in the universe who can compare to a Twi’lek babe! (strikes some supermodel poses) Come on, just try to tell me I’m not hotter than this Teela broad!
ADI (giving her the evil eye): Having a little ego for lunch, Aayla?
"Here you are, diner is at 7:00pm sharp." said
Teela.
BULTAR: That’s all well and good, but when’s dinner?
"Thank you um...what do I call you Mam?" ask the ninja shamed.
ADI: Yeah, you should be ashamed, Mister. Writing a crappy fic like this….
"Teela." "Then thank you Teela." said the ninja. "You're welcome." said Teela
politely. "Well, I must be going, I will see you early tomorrow morning, ok?"
said He-Man walking out the door. "I'll be ready." said the ninja shaking
his hand.
SHAAK: Oh, my aching head….
BULTAR: Man, we could really use some Advil right about now.
Taking off his mask, Sonny looked at the mirror, 'Well old boy, you
got your wish, now you can sing for the King and Queen of Eternia.' thought
Sonny
ADI (as Sonny, deliberately singing off-key with a scratchy voice): My dog has FLEEEEEEEEEAS!
SHAAK (ditto): I’m sittin’ on my spurs, mama!
BULTAR (ditto): Oh, strangle me a chicken, stick me a pig!
AAYLA (singing with her normal voice): Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m only falling apart! There’s nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart! Once upon a time there was light in my life, but now there’s only love in the dark! Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart!
(the others glare at her)
AAYLA (having no idea why they’re so mad): What?
ADI (furious): Don’t make us bitch-slap you, Secura.
AAYLA: What? What did I do?
as he heard a noise and raised his mask. Suddenly, something floated
into the room, it was wearing a red hat, a purple scarf, and a red rope with
the letter "O" on it. Blue ears wear poking out of the hat
SHAAK: “Blue ears wear poking”?
ADI: Ya know, when I read a story, I expect the authors to have gotten As in grammar, not Zs.
AAYLA: Nazis? (starts looking around in a panic) Where? Where are they?
ADI: *Sigh* Never mind.
and all you could
see was blue hands and yellow eyes.
SHAAK: He’s too embarrassed to show his face in this fic.
BULTAR: Do you blame him?
"Hi" it said, "I'm Orko, the palace
magician, who are you?"
AAYLA: A total dork?
BULTAR: Gee, Aayla, that’s exactly what we were thinking about you.
(everyone except Aayla snickers)
AAYLA (PO’d): I hope you three suffer the goriest, most agonizing deaths imaginable in Episode III.
"I'm...hmm, I haven't thought of name for myself
yet." said the ninja. "Well, you look like one of Skeletor's minions named
Ninjor." said Orko. "Hey, that's a good name, thank you, I'm Ninjor,
Queen Marlania's cousin's brother-in-law from Franklin, LA." said Ninjor.
SHAAK: Didn’t he just say he was Ninjor?
ADI: Major Redundancy rears his head once again!
AAYLA: So now we’ve got two Ninjors? (shakes her head) This is sooooooooo confusing….
"Whoa, which cousin?" said Orko surprised. "Why Kerry Henson of corse." said
Ninjor. "Oh no, I didn't know this till now, but he's here with his wife
and daughter." said Orko shocked. "OH $#!+!!!!!!!!" said Ninjor as his eyes
popped out his head.
AAYLA (as Sonny/Ninjor): I knew they were gonna find out about me knockin’ up their daughter!
"Where are they?" "In the throne room." said Orko as
Ninjor hauled ass passed him. 'Oh $#!+, if they tell mom I'm here without
telling her bye, I'm dead.' thought Sonny running.
AAYLA (as Sonny/Ninjor): And if they tell her I knocked up their daughter, I’m gonna get a churchin’! The Good Book frowns down upon kissin’ cousins!
BULTAR: You’re assuming Sonny can even read in the first place.
"So, how have you been
Shelley?" ask the King. "Good, can't find my brother though." said Sonny's
sister Shelley, a short woman with short Brown hair and look exactly like
her younger brother.
SHAAK: Translation—she’s so ugly that no guy in the cosmos would ever want anything to do with her.
ADI: And yet Sonny seems to be a hit with the ladies….
SHAAK: Hey, if you wore chloroform as a fragrance, you’d have guys in the palm of your hand, too.
ADI: I see your point.
"Shelley, Kerry, What's up?" said Ninjor out of breath.
"Do I know you sir?" ask Kerry.
AAYLA (as Kerry): You git my daughter preggers, you ain’t part o’ my family no more! Now git lost, stranger, ‘fore I blow yer head off!
"Come with me please, and please bring
Amber." said Ninjor escorting them to his room. "You promise you won't tell
mom?" ask Ninjor. "What are you talking about?" ask Kerry.
SHAAK: Oh, so Kerry’s OK with Sonny knocking up his daughter?
BULTAR: There’s a Jeff Foxworthy redneck joke in here somewhere….
"This." said
Sonny taking off his mask.
ALL: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!
AAYLA: My eyes! My eyes!
SHAAK: I’m blind! I can’t see!
BULTAR: I never thought I’d see the day when anyone would make Two-Face and Spawn look like matinee idols by comparison!
ADI: Put the mask back on, please!
"You little son-of-a-b**ch, this is where you have
been?" said Shelley pissed off. "Unfortunately, yes."
SHAAK (as Sonny/Ninjor): I’ve been spending all my time taking a steaming-hot whiz all over the Masters of the Universe canon in an attempt to supplant John T’lustachowski as the biggest ego-stroker in all of He-Fandom.
ADI: Are you sure it’s his ego that’s being stroked?
BULTAR (shudders): Thanks a lot, Adi. Now I’m gonna be spending the entire night trying to rid myself of that mental image.
AAYLA: I think I need to wash my eyes out with Drano now….
"God, no wonder Shelby
freaked when he saw you talking to that weird man." said Kerry lighting a
cigarette. "Yo, I know you going spot me one." said Sonny aching for a
cigarette. "Hell no, not with that additude." said Kerry teasing him.
"Come on dude, I'm dying for one." said Sonny. "I'm only kidding." said
Kerry handing him a cigarette. "You got a light?" asked Sonny, "Yea, here."
said Kerry holding out the lighter for Sonny to light up.
AAYLA: Holy Screwed-Up Dialogue Transitions, Batman!
ADI: Batman? Where? Where is he?
BULTAR: Oh, I hope he’s wearing those hot rubber @$$-tights of his!
SHAAK: Yes, and that tunic with those chestplate nipples! That is SO sexy!
ADI: And that tasty codpiece! Don’t forget the codpiece!
AAYLA (grumbling to herself): Hypocrites.
"Sir, there is no
smoking in the palace." said a young man with blonde hair, wearing a pink
vest, purple tights and furry underwear, and a white shirt.
ADI: Didn’t we already get this exact description of Adam earlier?
SHAAK: All hail the Lord of Pointless Repetition!
"Sorry." said
Sonny hiding his face before the young man saw it.
BULTAR: So He-Man won’t be scarred for life by being forced to look upon the visage of one so hideous.
"Hey, you're that ninja
He-Man brought back from earth aren't you?" "Yes, my name is Ninjor." "I'm
Adam, Prince of Eternia, I didn't know you were Kerry's brother-in-law."
"Well, you do now." said Ninjor.
AAYLA (as Adam): Yes, now I know where to track you down and whup your @$$!
"Well, nice to meet you, see you at supper."
said Adam walking off.
ADI (as Adam): I’ll be sure to shove my steak knife between your ribs.
SHAAK (ditto): And scoop your eyes out with my soup spoon.
BULTAR (ditto): And give you an impromptu acupuncture with my salad fork.
"Well, we got to go, see you later brother-in-law."
said Kerry picking up Amber. "Later." said Sonny kissing his niece good-bye.
BULTAR: Such a moving good-bye sequence.
ADI: Yeah, it moves my stomach….
Chapter 3
At supper that night, "I would like to know more about your skills
Ninjor." said Teela.
SHAAK (as Sonny/Ninjor): Well, I write incoherent, crappy Mary Sues and I can p!$$ off He-Man fans without too much effort….
"Well, how about we discuss it tomorrow my dear Teela."
said Ninjor
AAYLA: He is soooooooooo angling for a phone number.
BULTAR: First he woos Sorceress Zoar, then he makes a play for her daughter. Man, this guy has no shame, does he?
sitting back in his chair not eating cause he did not people to
see his face. "Ninjor, why haven't you ate yet?" asked King Randor
concerned about his guess. "Oh, I don't like to show off my face." said
Ninjor.
ADI: Yes, Sonny, I think you’ve made it clear that you don’t want your face exposed.
SHAAK: Nothing like repeating himself over and over again, eh?
"Oh" said the King relieved.
BULTAR: Because the sight of Ninjor’s face would have put everyone off their dinner.
"Well, if you will excuse me, I have
some business to tend to, your Majesties." said Ninjor getting up from the
table.
ADI (as Sonny/Ninjor): I have more sucky fics to write and more fantasy properties to wipe my @$$ with, and I can’t put them off any longer.
As he entered his room, he locked the door and took off his mask.
He sat on the bed thinking of Franklin and how much he missed it now.
AAYLA: So go back there and get the hell out of our sight!
BULTAR: Yes, leave! Leave now and never return!
He
pulled out his lab-top and connected to the internet and found his friend Amber
online. "Hey you." he sent her.
ADI: Man, that must be some Internet connection if it can span the entire Milky Way galaxy.
SHAAK: Must’ve bought it from the same store Jeff Goldblum got his laptop in Independence Day.
"Hey Sexy." she replied.
SHAAK: OK, this woman’s clearly blind.
ADI: Or delusional.
BULTAR: Or really, really desperate.
AAYLA: Or maybe she’s confusing him with my Obi-Wan… (gets terse) …in which case, she’d better keep her damn hands off him.
BULTAR: Will you #*&^ing stop already?!?!
"Guess where I'm
at?" "Where?" "Eternia." "Bull $#!+."
BULTAR: Yup, that’s exactly what this story is.
Their conversation carried on till
10:00pm Eternian time. "Well, look, I got to go, laterz." said Sonny closing
off the net before she could tell him "I love you."
ADI: Don’t you just love the way he writes these meaningful character interactions?
SHAAK: What meaningful character interactions?
ADI: Precisely my point.
As he went to go take a
shower, he heard voices outside his door. "Can he be trusted?" "I don't
know." "Well, we'll have to find out." "Ninjor, we must speak with you."
"Who's there?" "It's King Randor and Man-At-Arms" "Can it wait? I'm about to
take a shower." "No."
(all four Jedi chicks stare at the screen vacantly, numbly drooling)
Sonny threw on his clothes and mask and walked out.
AAYLA: And was promptly disemboweled with a lightsaber. FIN!
ADI: We can dream.
"What is it your Majesty?" ask Sonny politely. "Ninjor, we don't know how
good a person you are being that you carry the evil Ninjor's name." said the
King.
SHAAK (as Randor): Or being that you’re using our saga as a forum for your own self-aggrandizement.
"Trust me, I am good and honest, you can believe me." said Ninjor
surprised.
BULTAR: No thanks. I’d much rather be kicked in the groin by someone wearing steel-toed work boots than trust you.
"Well, just in case I brought something that will let us see if
you are telling the truth." said Man-At-Arms pulling out a collar. "The
collar of Abribar." said Ninjor not surprised. "Yes, this won't hurt a bit." said Man-At-Arms placing the collar around his neck then activating it.
SHAAK (as Man-at-Arms): Except for the brief moment where 100,000 volts of electricity run thru your body, instantly frying your @$$. But other than that, it’s completely painless.
"Can we trust you?" asked King Randor. "Yes." said Ninjor calmly. "Will you
help us fight Skeletor?" ask Man-At-Arms. "Yes." said Ninjor. "Ok." said
Man-At-Arms removing in the collar. "Thank you." said Man-At-Arms. "No prob."
said Ninjor shutting the door.
ADI: Boy, that sure was a tense and harrowing scene.
SHAAK: Yeah, but only if you’re afraid of the Easter Bunny.
It was a good night's sleep for Sonny that night. The thing he
dreaded was someone walking in and waking him up, so he slept with his mask
on. When he looked at the clock it said 7:00am. He heard a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" he said growling. "Teela." said Teela yawning.
BULTAR: Why did he repeat Teela’s name twice?
AAYLA: All he ever talks about is Teela! (stamps her feet petulantly) Teela, Teela, Teela!
ADI: Oh, good. She’s gone from being Obi-Wan’s stalker to channeling Jan Brady.
"Hold on, let me
put on some clothes. Sonny got up and grabbed a pair of JNCO's and his black
ADIDAS mesh shirt.
SHAAK: Is this supposed to be dialogue or narrative?
BULTAR: Considering the writer? Could be both.
"Was up?" he said yawning.
AAYLA: No, she was asleep. Thanks for asking.
"Time to get up." she said. He
Notice she was wearing a white t-shirt with tight blue jeans on. "Alright."
he said closing the door.
BULTAR: Oh, yeah, he’s definitely making a play for He-Man’s girl.
ADI: Like the flagpole in his pants wasn’t enough of a tip-off?
AAYLA: Whoa. How did they get T-shirts and Levi’s on Eternia?
SHAAK: That must be some UPS delivery.
He went and took a bath and got dressed and walked
out to the dining room and saw everyone up and ready for a new day. "Morning
Ninjor, how did you sleep." asked King Randor. "Good, and you, your
highness?" asked Ninjor. "Quite well, except for the sounds of a young man
SLEEP TALKING." he stressed 'SLEEP TALKING' cause he could here Sonny all the
way down the hall. "Sorry, it happens. I had a dream that Kerry died out in
the lake."
SHAAK: He drowned himself because he couldn’t stand being around you any longer.
"Ah, I see." said the King. "Now I see why I heard you scream
'NO!' last night." "Yes." said Ninjor.
AAYLA (imitating Lina Lamont from Singin’ In The Rain): No, no, no!
BULTAR (imitating the male swashbuckler-movie heavy from Singin’ In The Rain): Yes, yes, yes!
AAYLA: No, no, no!
BULTAR: Yes, yes, yes!
Something caught his eye, it was a
piano from earth. "Who is this for?" said Ninjor to the King. "Oh, the queen
use to play before our daughter Adora was kidnaped by the Horde, it's still
in tune." said the King. "May I?" asked Sonny with a gleam in his eye.
"Go ahead." said the King, not hearing a good song off that old piano in a
while. He sat down and started playing "I Do (Cherish You)" by 98 degrees and
started to sing it.
ADI: Oh, $#!+! He’s actually gonna sing!
BULTAR: And he’s ripping off the musical sequence from the Greyskull Tales pilot, to boot!
SHAAK: You know you’re in trouble when one crappy Mary Sue takes to ripping off another one.
AAYLA (bursting into tears): I don’t wanna hear this! (starts stamping on the floor) I don’t wanna hear this!
"All
I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me 'cause I
I do cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do"
(all four Jedi chicks cover their ears, squeezing their eyes shut and gritting their teeth)
ADI: Auuuuuuuuugh!
SHAAK: My ears ! My ears are bleeding!
BULTAR: Make it stop! Make it stop!
AAYLA (imitating Spock): PAAAAAAAAAAAIN! Oh, pain, PAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!
"That was my favorite song" said Queen Marlania
AAYLA: It was mine, too, until this [obscenity deleted] ruined it.
almost crying cause
he song it the way she had always loved to hear it.
ADI: Apparently she likes it when people who can’t carry a tune to save their lives butcher classic rock songs.
BULTAR: In that case, she’d love the Golden Throats albums.
"Yes, I have always loved
it." said Sonny. "Could you please finish it?" asked the queen. "Sure." said
Sonny.
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
BULTAR: Agony! AG-O-NY!!!!!!!
AAYLA (weeping openly): I’m never gonna be able to listen to another boy band album as long as I live! Damn you, Ninjor! Damn you to hell!
ADI: I can’t take much more of this!
SHAAK: This is all your fault, Aayla! If you hadn’t been trying to turn Obi-Wan into your sex slave, we wouldn’t be suffering thru this crap!
AAYLA: (gives Shaak the finger with both hands)
SHAAK: Just for that, I hope Ninjor sings you to sleep every night for the rest of your life!
"In
my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
'Til that day I found you
How you opened my life
To a new paradise
In a would torn by change
Still with all my heart
'Til my dying day
I do cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do
If your asking do I love you this much
I do"
(all four Jedi chicks cover their ears, squeezing their eyes shut and gritting their teeth)
ALL: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE…IT…STOP!!!!!!
As he finished he heard some sniffling in the back ground. He turned
around to see a beautiful women with long blonde hair, blue eyes, a red jump
suit on, and red high heel boots.
ADI: After hearing Ninjor sing, I’d be crying, too.
BULTAR: Aayla already is. She’s wailing like a Ringwraith with a stubbed toe.
AAYLA: Shove it, Bultar!
"That was beautiful." said the lady
SHAAK: I take it the women on Eternia haven’t ever been exposed to decent singers.
BULTAR: If they like this slop, Yoko Ono must a be a permanent fixture on their Top 10 charts.
"Thank
you." said Ninjor. "Who are you?" asked the lady. "I'm Ninjor. And you?" said
Ninjor. "I'm Princess Adora, Adam's twin sister." said Adora wiping the tears
from her eyes. "Ahh, I've heard much about you from Kerry, my
brother-in-law." said Ninjor calmly. "No way, your Shelley's brother?" said
Adora shocked.
AAYLA (as Sonny/Ninjor): Yes, but only on days when it helps me get laid.
"Yes, the youngest and the TALLEST." said Ninjor stressing
the word tall, being that he was.
ADI: …a midget.
SHAAK: …a moron.
BULTAR: …a really bad writer.
AAYLA: …the worst #*&^ing singer in the universe!
"God, I never knew. What other songs do you
know?" asked Adora. "Too many, I tell you what, you name it, and I'll play it
and sing it, deal?" said Ninjor sitting back down at the piano. "Do you know
any of Britney Spears songs?" said Adora.
BULTAR: Britney Spears? Britney #*&^ing Spears?!?
SHAAK: She-Ra likes Britney Spears…. (starts slamming her head against the wall)
AAYLA: NO! Please, no! You’ve already put me off boy bands forever! Don’t ruin Britney for me, too!
(everyone else gives Aayla the evil eye)
ADI: You’re insane, girl. Totally and completely insane.
"Yes, but I am afraid
that I must be off to Grayskull for my training with the Sorceress,
good day." said Ninjor rising from the piano. "He's so talented, he is just
perfect." said a young servant.
SHAAK: “Perfect”? “Talented”? In what parallel universe?
AAYLA: She is sooooooooo confusing him with my Obi-Wan.
BULTAR (freaking out): Stop talking about Obi-Wan, dammit!
"He reminds you of someone Natalie?" asked
the queen "Yes, a boy I went to school with from Kindergarten to third grade
named Sonny Iverson." "If you can keep a secret I'll tell you something about
Ninjor that nobody has figured out." "I can keep it." said Natalie Flores,
Sonny's first love.
AAYLA: Wait a minute. How are all these Earth people getting to and from Eternia so easily?
ADI: Shhh! Don’t call such insignificant things like plot holes and inconsistencies to Ninjor’s attention! He has more important concerns, like making He-Man his stooge!
Come with me." said Queen Marlania. They went off into
the queen's private room and sat down. "You remember my cousin Kerry and his
wife Shelley?" asked the queen. "How could I, they're so nice." said Natalie
looking at the queens old records from earth.
BULTAR: Old records? She got anything good in there?
ADI: Nope, just all 23 volumes of The Worst of Sonny Iverson: Song Covers To Scream By.
BULTAR: Gack!
"Well, do you remember that
picture they gave me of Shelley's brother?" "Yes, he's so ****ing FINE!!!"
said Natalie forgetting herself. "Forgive me, I lost myself." said Natalie
shamed.
SHAAK: We got it the first time, bimbo!
ADI: Yeah, we figured you lost yourself when you said Sonny was fine.
AAYLA: Ninjor “fine”? Not a chance in Hell, lady! Now Obi-Wan Kenobi… (sighs) …Lord have mercy!
BULTAR (lunging at Aayla): Oooh…KILL!!!!!
ADI (restraining Bultar): Calm down, Bultar! Calm down! She’s not worth it!
"It's ok. Now as for that boy, do you want to know his name?" "No."
"Sonny Iverson." said the queen smiling.
SHAAK: Uh…who’s talking here?
ADI: At this point, who cares?
"NO WAY!!!!" said Natalie looking at
the picture.
BULTAR: Way!
AAYLA (waving her fingers up and down): Diddly-oot! Diddly-oot! Diddly-oot! Diddly-oot! Diddly-oot! Diddly-oot!
ADI: Extreme Close-Up! Whooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa!
SHAAK: Jedi’s World! Jedi’s World! Party time! Excellent!
"Now, let's put a mask on him and give him a sword and who do
you get." said Marlania holding out a picture of Ninjor recently taken when
he got here. "No way, he can't be." said Natalie shocked. "He is, I figured
it out when he told me he was Shelley's brother, my husband had yet to find
out being that he never saw the picture of him." said the queen seriously.
BULTAR: But on the inside, the queen’s speaking humorously.
ADI: Are you sure?
BULTAR: Well…no.
"Oh my God." said Natalie taking a deep breath. "Is there a problem?" asked
the queen.
AAYLA (as Natalie): Yes, I’m stuck a really crappy fan-fic where I’m being set up as a Mary Sue’s love interest.
"It's just that I thought I was the only one from earth here, and
now he shows up." said Natalie shocked. "There's something else you don't
know and I prefer you not to know." said the queen trying her hardest not to
give away Sonny's BIG secret.
SHAAK: He’s really a flat-chested woman.
AAYLA: He’s really a Slytherin.
ADI: He’s really a kilt-wearing polka musician with an irrational hatred of Garfield.
BULTAR: He shaves his legs, puts on makeup, and moonlights as a Vegas showgirl.
"I can take it." said Natalie thinking about
the last time she saw him a her cousin's funeral, he had change sense then.
SHAAK: Yes, he changed from having good sense to having no sense.
ADI: Why are you assuming he ever had good sense to start with?
"He...I can't tell you, he has to." said the queen trying to stop herself.
"Is it something about me?" asked Natalie curiously.
AAYLA: Yes, he has to tell you he’s gay.
BULTAR: He has to tell you he’s pregnant and that you’re the mother of his child.
"I'm not allowed to
say." said the queen calmly.
SHAAK (as Marlania): Otherwise the shadow government officials will come and take me away, never to be seen alive again.
"Ok your highness." said Natalie standing up to
leave. "Goodbye." said Natalie. "Goodbye." said the queen grabbing a record
to play.
ADI: Oh, great, she’s gonna listen to more of Sonny’s caterwauling.
BULTAR: My ears can’t take this!
Chapter 4
At Castle Grayskull, Ninjor and He-Man were training. "Are you
ready Ninjor?" asked He-Man.
AAYLA (as He-Man): I really want to kick your @$$ and I’m getting impatient to start doing it.
"Not quite." said Ninjor stretching. "Just let
me know when you are ready. I'm going talk to the Sorceress about training you
on Ethiera." said He-Man.
BULTAR: Holy Lack of Properly-Placed Quotation Marks, Batman!
ADI: How the hell is anyone supposed to know who’s talking?
"Oh, you mean the place where your sister She-Ra
fights against Hordak?" asked Ninjor sitting down with his legs spread evenly
doing another stretch.
SHAAK: Leaving himself wide open to a well-deserved kick to the nads.
ADI: Oooh, let me give it to him! Let me give it to him!
"Yes, how did you know that?" "Adora told me about
it." said Ninjor getting up from his stretches. "Oh." said He-Man. "Let's
get started" said Ninjor pulling out a CD player from his bag and putting
in Britney Spears, "Sometimes" single CD and put it on #3 and let that play
all the way through then put it on repeat for that one song.
BULTAR: I…I… (shrugs) …Oh, screw it. I give up. I got lost halfway thru that run-on sentence.
AAYLA: And why would you only repeat one Britney song? There’s a whole disc of good songs to listen to! Ninjor’s shooting himself in the foot by doing this!
BULTAR: Let me kill her. Please let me kill her.
ADI: Sorry, no can do.
BULTAR: Damn!
"I always train
with music. I use it as an asset to do a dance, like this." said Ninjor as
the song started over.
ADI: Listening to Britney Spears’ “Sometimes” on loop…the sonic equivalent of Chinese water torture.
He was the best He-Man had ever seen. He use that
sword better than Teela.
SHAAK (gangsta rap voice): He pimp dat bee-yatch better dan Snoop Dogg! He get dat work better dan Cash Money! He mack them hos better dan Jay-Z! He floss and bling-bling better dan P. Diddy!
He stayed on beat and everything. "I need to learn
that." said He-Man amazed, now he understood why the Sorceress chose him to
help. As the song finished he grabbed a towel and turned around and wipe his
face. "Can you teach me that?" asked He-Man.
ADI: What the hell is this?
BULTAR: Just a #*&^ing minute! Whenever Prince Adam transforms into He-Man, he’s instantly implanted with the battle skills of centuries! He’s already a swordsman on par with the best of the Jedi Order! Why the hell does he need this jack@$$ to teach him how to fight?
AAYLA: A little high-strung today, aren’t we, Bultar?
BULTAR: Yeah, well it’s your fault! If you hadn’t been such a tramp, we wouldn’t be stuck reading this fic!
"I thought you were supposed to
be the teacher, that's just a Kata I do to warm up." "Kata?" "You never
heard of Karate?" asked Ninjor shocked. "Oh, yea, now I know what you're
talking about, they do a class here." said He-Man embarrassed. "They have a
class here?" asked Ninjor shocked? "Yes, Queen Marlania gives it." said
He-Man. "How long had she been giving it?" asked Ninjor. "Since her daughter
Adora was kidnaped by the horde." said He-Man calmly.
AAYLA: Let me get this straight. The queen of Eternia teaches a karate class. He-Man is the prince of Eternia. And he doesn’t know the first thing about karate?
SHAAK: Uh-huh.
ADI: Sure.
BULTAR: Yeah, right.
"Well, shall we
begin." said a voice from behind them. "She-Ra, how are you sis?" said He-Man
surprised to see her. "How have you been brother?" asked She-Ra hugging him
tightly. "Good, just getting a couple of pointers from our new recruit,
Ninjor." said watching him practice. "Aren't you supposed to be training
him? Or is he training you in swordsmanship and music?" she said teasing him
about the way he sung and played the piano. "Shut up, you're always teasing
me about that." said He-Man angrily.
ADI: If He-Man’s taking musical lessons from Ninjor, Eternia is screwed.
"Hey, I hate people that tease other
people, so if you don't want to get hurt, I suggest you leave." said Ninjor
looking at her pissed off. "Whoa, easy bro, she's my sister, she always
teases me about the way I sing and play the piano, being that I can't carry
a tune in a bucket." said He-Man calming him down.
BULTAR: Translation—He-Man has a singing voice like Rex Smith and the piano ability of Elton John.
ADI: And by Eternian standards, that’s being tone-deaf while Sonny’s shrieking and plinking is the height of musical talent.
SHAAK: Maybe this isn’t Eternia after all. Maybe this is the Bizarro Eternia.
"Wait a minute? You play
the piano?" he asked getting curious about him now, and especially being that
She-Ra was his sister. "Um, yea." said He-Man. "I don't think yall are
telling me the whole truth." said Ninjor getting real suspicious about them
now.
AAYLA (as He-Man, with a hillbilly voice): Well, it ain’t none o’ yore business what my sis ‘n’ I do on this here planet! So shut yer trap, boy, ‘fore I sic a lynch mob on ya!
"Ninjor, may I talk with you for a moment." asked the Sorceress. He went
inside Grayskull and listen to what the Sorceress had to say, He-Man and
She-Ra followed him inside.
ADI (as Zoar): Sonny, I’d just like to say your @$$ is fired. Now get the #*&^ out of Grayskull before I throw you out!
"Ninjor, I want to make sure we can trust you
with what you think they are hiding from you." said the Sorceress. "Not again,
I've had it with that stupid collar, I've had it done by the king already."
said Ninjor aggravated. "I know, I'm not going to use that, I'm going to run
a trust spell over you." said the Sorceress. "Oh, ok." said Ninjor relieved.
"Come this way." said the Sorceress leading him to a pool of glowing water.
AAYLA: This is the part where he gets drowned, right?
BULTAR: God, I hope so.
SHAAK: Don’t hold your breath, girls.
"Step into the pool of light, if you can be trusted to hide the secrets of
Grayskull then the water will not change color, but if you can't, the water
will turn black." said the Sorceress.
AAYLA (as Zoar): And if the water turns yellow, that means you have no bladder control and we’ll be forced to put you to the rack.
ADI: I’d like to see him put to the rack regardless of his bladder control.
"Please remove your uniform." said the
Sorceress.
SHAAK: Oh, God, he’s gonna do a nude scene….
BULTAR: Eeeewwww….
ADI: Excuse me, I’m gonna go put my eyes out now.
AAYLA: Aw, man! Why couldn’t it be a nude scene for my Obi?
BULTAR (about to whack her one): Aayla…!!!!!!!
"I will take off everything but my mask." said Ninjor removing his
Dogi.
BULTAR: Git along, little dogis! Run as far away from this Mary Sue as you can!
As he stepped into the pool, he notice that the water as warm as a
summer's breaze, he could stay in their forever.
ADI: “He notice that the water as warm as a summer’s breaze”? “Their forever”?
SHAAK: Either he’s trying to do ebonics, or he has no concept of grammar at all.
BULTAR: And what’s a “breaze,” anyway?
The Sorceress waited the
amount of time needed to for the pool to see if it would change. No change.
AAYLA: But we do accept cash, credit cards, checks, and money orders.
SHAAK: We are partial to Visa, just so you know.
"You may step out now." she said handing him a towel.
ADI: …as she rigged the electrified floor panel underneath his feet to fry him to a crisp.
As he dried off he
asked "Now, what is it that you two are hiding from me?"
SHAAK: A very clever deathtrap we reserve for Mary Sues.
He-Man and She-Ra
unsheathed their swords and both said "Let the power return." and in a flash
of light they were changed into Adam and Adora. "WHAT THE..." said Ninjor
shocked.
ADI: …by the electrified floor panel, of course.
BULTAR: But it didn’t work. He’s still alive.
ADI: Damn.
"Now I see why you were clowning him about playing the piano." said
Ninjor to Adora. "Yes, he could never play or sing good no matter how much
mom would try and teach him." said Adora.
BULTAR: Yes, having the singing ability of Rex Smith and being able to tickle the ivories like Elton John means Adam’s no good at either.
SHAAK: And yet Ninjor’s one-note screeching and total lack of rhythm makes him a real talent.
BULTAR: Yeah.
SHAAK: Sure.
"I thought she quit playing after
you were kidnaped by Hordak?" said Ninjor shocked. "She did until I was
found by Adam and now she plays and I learned as did Adam, only I'm better at
both than him." said Adora snobbishly. "Well, most of us just have the talent
and most don't." said Ninjor truthfully.
ADI: In other words, Adora’s singing and playing ability is on par with Ninjor’s.
SHAAK: And yet Adam has no musical talent.
ADI: Can you say, “delusional”?
"If Adam can't sing or play then
don't tease him about it. I'm sure he's got other talents." "Yeah, you're
right Ninjor." said Adam feeling a lot better now.
AAYLA: One of those other talents being the ability to mop the floor with you, Sonny.
"I used to get teased all
the time about my singing, but you can ask Shelley, I was practally the best
singer in my class." said Ninjor depressed. "Yeah, she told us." said Adora
walking up to him putting her arm around him.
SHAAK: Obviously Shelley’s hearing aids weren’t working properly on those days.
"Well, we best get started."
said Adam reaching for his sword. "Are you sure you want to duel with me
Adam?" said Ninjor reaching for his. "Absolutely." said Adam holding his
sword ready for the duel. "Ok, if you say so." said Ninjor shaking hands with
him before the duel.
ADI: “Sure you want to duel.” “Ready for the duel.” “Before the duel.” (groans)
AAYLA: Someone change the record! It’s broken!
Adam swung fast, but was blocked by Ninjor who countered
with a swift kick to the mid section. Adam came back at him aim for his neck
but was blocked again by Ninjor as he came back and punch Adam in the jaw.
This made Adam so mad that he decided to run his sword straight through him.
But as usual, Ninjor blocked it and countered with a swift kick to the face
and then a punch in the n**s which ended the duel.
ALL (pretending to cough): Bull$#!+! Bull$#!+! Bull$#!+!
BULTAR: WTF is this?! This little hick from Nowheresville comes along and makes mincemeat of a master swordsman?
ADI: Yeah, since when could this jack@$$ take He-Man?
SHAAK: Ah, the Mary Sue. The only forum in which great warriors can be made to look like total incompetents.
AAYLA: Head…still…spinning…need…vomit…bag….
"That was a cheap shot."
said Adam on his knees grabbing his b***s in extreme pain. "Sometime you got
to play ruff, like you did when you decided to try and run your sword through
me." said Ninjor calmly. "But I warned you."
BULTAR: Yeah, well, I’ve got a warning for you, pal. If you value your life, don’t ever show up in a fan-fic written by King Krypton, Granamyr, Slinky Avenger, or any of their boys.
SHAAK: Yeah, show up in any of their fics, and He-Man’ll go Aragorn on yo’ azz!
ADI: And don’t ever show up at the Jedi Temple, either! You wouldn’t like us when we’re angry!
AAYLA: Jedi smash puny Mary Sue!
"Yea. I hope you plan to do much
worse to Ninjor and Skeletor than what you did with me." said Adam still in
pain. "You aint seen nothing yet." said Ninjor shielding his sword. "Let me
see your jaw." said Ninjor looking at his jaw.
ADI: Yes, I think you’ve established that you are indeed looking at He-Man’s jaw.
"Tell if this hurts." said
Ninjor as he moved Adams jaw back a forth. "No." said Adam spitting out
blood.
SHAAK: He spits up blood when he moves his jaw, yet it doesn’t hurt.
ADI: Yup, sure, Sonny, whatever you say. (flips the bird at the screen)
"Ok, I didn't break it then." said Ninjor helping him up.
AAYLA: No, but somebody should break your face.
ADI: And his hands, so he can’t ever write another one of these godawful things.
"Are you
alright?" asked Adora shocked at Ninjor for what power he had. "I'm fine."
said Adam looking at Ninjor strangely.
BULTAR: See? Even He-Man thinks this scene is a load of crap!
"Well, we better be heading back to
the palace, it's getting dark." said Adam grabbing his sword from the ground
and shielding it.
Later on that night, "Adora, who is that girl right there." said
Ninjor sitting with Adora at the bar in the recreational room.
AAYLA: Lovely scene transition here. Provided you have ADD, of course….
"Which one?"
asked Adora looking at all the girls. "Her." said Ninjor pointing her out.
"Oh her, she's a servant for Mom and Dad. Why?" said Adora curiously. "She
looks familiar." said Ninjor thinking of his first love Natalie Flores.
SHAAK: Golly, I just can’t imagine who this girl might be.
ADI: Me neither. This scene is so mysterious and ambiguous.
BULTAR (imitating the robot from Lost In Space): Predictability, Will Robinson! Predictability!
"Do
you want me to find out who she is?" asked Adora taking a sip of her drink.
"Yea, and get me another Tequila please." said Ninjor finishing off his last
bit of Tequila.
AAYLA: Dude! This fic’s so bad that it’s even driving Ninjor to drink!
SHAAK: Hey, he wrote this thing. He ain’t got anyone but himself to blame.
"Ok." said Adora standing up and walking over to a young
servant. As Ninjor sat their watching the young girl sit alone and drink her
coke. 'She looks so much like Natalie.' thought Ninjor to himself.
BULTAR: Such subtle and obscure hinting.
ADI: Yes, I just can’t figure out if this girl is who he thinks she is.
"Hey,
I forgot your name. What is it again." said Adora to the young girl. "Adora?
How could you forget my name?" said the young girl shocked. "Well, it
happens." said Adora. "It's Natalie Flores, remember now."
SHAAK: Well, that was a shocker.
AAYLA: I know, I never saw that coming. Did you?
BULTAR: Of course not. The thought never crossed my mind.
ADI: Me neither. That little plot revelation just came out of nowhere.
"Oh yea, I'll see
you later, my cousin's brother-in-law wants me to get him another Tequila."
said Adora walking back over to the bar.
SHAAK: Yes, if he gets drunk enough, he’ll forget he ever wrote this fic.
AAYLA: I wish we could forget it….
"Ok, take it easy." said Natalie as
she watched Adora walk back over to where Ninjor was sitting. "Well, who is
that?" asked Ninjor taking his drink from her and started drinking it through
the drinking tube in his mask. "Her name is Natalie Flores." said Adora as
Ninjor spitted tequila all over the place. "WHAT?!?!?!?!?" said Ninjor as he
wiped off his mask. "Her name is Natalie Flores. What's the matter?" said
Adora helping him clean up.
BULTAR: He’s a horrible writer who has to repeat everything endlessly because he’s got too short of an attention span to remember any story details.
"Can you keep a secret?" asked Ninjor. "Who's
the one buying you Tequila?" asked Adora cocky. "Look, just promise me you
won't let this out." said Ninjor seriously. "Ok, I promise. What is it?"
asked Adora calmly.
AAYLA (as Sonny/Ninjor): I just moved in with a stud named Frank, and we got matching sets of nipple rings and Cupid tattoos as a sign of our commitment to each other.
BULTAR (ditto): I’m pregnant and Natalie’s the mother of my child.
SHAAK (ditto): I had a sex change operation recently, and I’m working evenings at the local strip club.
ADI (ditto): I’m really Michael Jackson after another face-lift…er, I mean, “natural face change.”
"That's my first love from Kindergarten on." said Ninjor
as he watch Adora sit down and take a breath. "Oh my God." she said.
BULTAR: Yeah, I can’t believe this guy can get girls, either.
"I'm
going talk to her." said Ninjor getting up and walking over to where she was
sitting. "Is this seat taken?" asked Ninjor looking at her. As she looked up
she started to blush. "No, sit down." said Natalie studdering.
SHAAK (as Natalie): Oh, $#!+, not Sonny again! Now I’m gonna have to get a restraining order!
"What do you
want to drink?" asked Ninjor grabbing some money. "A martini." said Natalie
calming down now.
AAYLA: …realizing she could poison his drink and put him out of her misery.
ADI: Marvelous stuff, strychnine.
BULTAR: Personally, I’m partial to cyanide, but whatever’s available will do.
"Ok hold on, I'll be back." said Ninjor walking over to
Adora. "Adora, I need a martini and some Jack Daniels." said Ninjor walking
up to her. "Who's wants the martini?" said Adora knowing that he liked Jack
Daniels.
SHAAK: Really, really liked Jack Daniels, if you know what I mean.
ADI: Mary Sue slash. Boy, just when you thought you’ve seen it all….
"Natalie does." said Sonny taking the drinks from her. "Oh." said
Adora. He walked back over to the table and gave her the martini. "So, you
like it here on Eternia?" he asked. "Yes, the King and Queen are nice, so is
the Queens cousin." she said taking a sip of her drink. "Yea, Kerry is a
character, hell, I should know, I grew up with him." said Ninjor taking a sip
of his Jack Daniels. "That's true you're his cousin Ninjor, aren't you." said
Natalie sipping her martini.
BULTAR: Sip, sip, sipping, sip…. (moans) Who does this guy think he is, L. Ron Hubbard?
SHAAK: At least you could laugh at Hubbard’s ineptitude. This guy doesn’t even have that level of finesse.
BULTAR: True, that.
"The one a only." said Ninjor pulling out a
pack of Marablo Lights.
ADI: I don’t see where that’s possible when there’s another, much cooler Ninjor running around Eternia.
BULTAR: “The one a only”? “Marablo”?
AAYLA: Man, I’d hate to have seen this guy in his school spelling bees….
"You smoke?" she asked. "Not often." said Ninjor.
SHAAK (as Sonny/Ninjor): Only when the weed gives me ideas for crappy Mary Sues.
"Ah." said Natalie taking another sip of her drink. "I'm going to have to
ask you not to look at my face while I smoke." said Ninjor pulling his mask
up just enough to smoke his cigarette.
BULTAR (as Sonny/Ninjor): I wouldn’t want you to do a massive spit-take when you see my hideous face.
"Ok, so, you're from Franklin, La,
huh?" asked Natalie. "Yea, born and raised there." said Ninjor taking a drag.
"Well, I lived there for a while, then we moved." said Natalie. "Oh really,
that's cool." said Ninjor remembering when she had left. "So, you know a lot
of people from there huh?" said Ninjor about to question her. "Yes, I know
tons from the class of '02 from St. John and Hanson." "Come on, I used to go
there." "You did?" "Yea, from Kinndergarten to 8th. grade. In fact, I
remember this one girl who moved in the 3rd. grade in my class." "Hey, I
moved in the 3rd. grade." "Come on, what's your name again?" said Ninjor
acting like he didn't know it was her. "Natalie." "Well I'll be God Damned,
I thought that was you when I saw you. How have you been?" "Good, the only
thing is that Blake died." "Yea, I heard about that." "You did." "Well, you
got to remember who just got here." "Oh yea, that's true."
ALL (imitating the robot from Lost In Space): Confusion, Will Robinson! Confusion!
AAYLA (as the Crocodile Hunter): Oh, crikey! I don’t have a bloody idea who the #*&^ is talkin’ here, mates!
ADI (as the Mask): Somebody stop him!
BULTAR (as the Frankenstein monster from The Monster Squad): Bo-gus!
SHAAK (as McCoy’s dying father from Star Trek V): Please…stop the pain….
"Say, could we go
somewhere else and talk?" asked Ninjor starting to buzz. "Yea, sure." They
started to walk to Ninjor's room. "This is my room, come on in." said Ninjor
turning on the light. "Ah, this is nice." "Yea, it's ok." said Ninjor
sitting down on the bed.
SHAAK: You already said it was your room, stupid!
AAYLA: If this room is so nice, why doesn’t he describe it?
ADI: That would require a decent grasp of narrative skill Sonny here doesn’t have.
"I got a question for you, when was the last time
you seen Sonny Iverson?"
BULTAR: Not since I beheaded him with my lightsaber and threw his body into the Marquand River.
ADI: When did you do that?
BULTAR: I’m doing it later tonight after the Karaoke Cabaret.
SHAAK: Oooh, can I help?
said Ninjor about to tell her who he was. "At
Blake's funeral, why?" she asked. "Oh just wondering." said Ninjor reaching
for a cd to listen to. He grab "Chicago Greatest Hits 1982-1989" and put it
on #9, "Hard Habit to Break."
BULTAR: Yes, I’d say your penchant for sloppy paragraphs, incoherent dialogue, making established heroes look like morons, and blatant self-promotion is indeed a hard habit to break.
"You ever talk to him?" asked Natalie
listening to the CD. "Yea, he's not doing so good. He's life has gotten worse
and $#!++ier than ever." said Ninjor depressed.
AAYLA: That’s because every respectable fictional property in all creation has put a contract out on you for crimes against fantasy and sci-fi heroes.
"Ninjor, I know who you are."
said Natalie. "I'm sorry, what did you say?" said Ninjor not expecting that
to come out. "I know who you are Sonny Iverson." said Natalie not even trying
to
stop herself. "I don't know what you're talking about." said Ninjor
trying
to cover up his secret. "Sonny, I'm not dumb." said Natalie mad.
SHAAK: That’s highly debatable, lady, considering you think he’s fine and a good singer.
AAYLA: Yeah, this clown’s got nothing on my Obi! Now there’s a guy with a face and voice to die for!
BULTAR (Joan Crawford voice): NO…MORE…OBI-WAN!!!!
ADI: You’re not gonna start whaling on her with a wire hanger, are you, Bultar?
BULTAR: Don’t tempt me.
"I don't
know what you are talking about Natalie, Sonny is still in Franklin." said
Ninjor, hoping she wouldn't find out he was lying. "Sonny, how hard can it be
to figure out who you were when you had said you were Shelley's brother, I
had remembered that Shelley's last name was Iverson and I put 2 and 2
together because she also gave me a picture of you." said Natalie seriously.
ADI: Really? I thought you were talking facetiously!
"I'll be God damned, you are smart." said Sonny taking off his mask.
AAYLA: Not if she’s attracted to you, she ain’t.
'I just
hope you haven't found out my BIG secret.' thought Sonny to himself. "Sonny,
word goes around that there's something you're not telling anybody."
AAYLA: This must be where he tells her he just moved in with a stud named Frank, and they got matching sets of nipple rings and Cupid tattoos as a sign of their commitment to each other.
BULTAR: Or that he’s pregnant and Natalie’s the mother of his child.
SHAAK: Or that he had a sex change operation recently, and is working evenings at the local strip club.
ADI: Or that he’s really Michael Jackson after another face-lift…er, I mean, “natural face change.”
'Oh
$#!+.'
BULTAR: Right on. Couldn’t have described this story better myself.
"Uh, what do you mean?" asked Sonny starting to blush. "Well, I've
heard you're telling people something about me." said Natalie with an
aggravated tone in her voice.
SHAAK: Well, if he’s telling people you’re dumb, easy, and have horrible taste in men, he’s right on target.
"Um, who would think of something like that?"
said Sonny trying to cover up his secret about loving her. "Oh, I don't know,
somebody like the Queen." said Natalie. 'I'm going to kill her.' "Why would
the Queen say that?" said Sonny pissed. "I don't know." said Natalie. "What
is it that I am supposed to be saying about you then?" asked Sonny. "Well,
that's the thing, I don't know what it is, nobody will tell me. They said
that you would tell me when you were ready to." said Natalie. "Well, now
isn't really a good time to tell you." said Sonny relieved. "Well, I'm going
to bed, good night." said Natalie. "Good night Natalie and..." said Sonny
studdering.
ALL (imitating the robot from Lost In Space): Incoherence, Will Robinson! Incoherence!
"And what?" said Natalie getting suspicious. "I..." Sonny
couldn't bring himself to say it cause he was scared to get slapped.
ADI: Please slap him anyway for this fic.
BULTAR: Hit him as much and as hard as you like.
SHAAK: Preferably with an armored glove weighted down with a brick.
"You
what Sonny?" said Natalie. "I...I can't bring myself to say it." said Sonny
embarrass, this wasn't the first time he couldn't say it. "Say what Sonny"
said Natalie getting worried. "To say that I... that I love you." said Sonny
finally getting it out. Natalie was shocked, she almost fainted. "You what?"
she said shocked.
ADI: All right, all right already! Natalie’s shocked! We get it! Now get on with it!
SHAAK (as Natalie): You mean, I actually have to make love to this thing? Eeeeeewwwww!
"I love you, I always have since kindergarten on." said
Sonny kinda depressed. "Why didn't you tell me then?" said Natalie pissed.
"I was scared, I guess I shouldn't have told you." said Sonny feeling real
stupid.
BULTAR: Hey, if I wrote this fic, I’d feel really stupid, too.
"No Sonny, you did it at the right moment, cause I love you too."
said Natalie. "You do?" said Sonny shocked. "Yes." said Natalie. "For how
long?" asked Sonny. "Ever since you got here." said Natalie. "You know that
I might die tomorrow when we go to battle." said Sonny. "I know."said
Natalie depressed.
ADI: She’s depressed because she has to sleep with him at this point in the story.
SHAAK: Yeah, that would bring anyone down.
AAYLA: Uh-huhuhuhuhuhuhuh. You said, “down.”
(everyone else glares at Aayla)
As he looked into her beautiful eyes, he leaned over and
kissed her on the cheek. "What was that for?" she asked. "I just felt like it
I guess." said Sonny as he looked at the floor. She picked up his head and
look into his blue-green eyes and kissed him on the lips. "What was that
for?" he asked. "Just in case I never get to do that again." As they started
kiss, Sonny started thinking 'Yes, My dreams are actually coming true.'
ALL: And our lunch is actually coming up!
Chapter 5
As the morning came, Sonny and Natalie were both sound asleep in
Sonny's bed, they had feel asleep making out.
SHAAK: Well, at least we were spared the gruesome details.
BULTAR: But like a horror movie, just the suggestion alone is enough to give you the creeps. (shivers) Brrrrr….
There was a knock at the door
that woke up both of them. Sonny reached for his mask and slipped it back over
his head, he still had his uniform on.
ADI: Now that’s planning ahead….
"Who is it?" he growled. "It's He-Man,
it's time to go." said He-Man ready with Battle-Cat waiting with him. "Give me
a second bro, I got to finish something." "Alright, hurry up." said He-Man.
Sonny leaned over and said, "I got to go kick some @$$."
AAYLA (as Sonny/Ninjor): Specifically, my own. I need to do penance for writing this fic.
Natalie looked at
him and started to tear up. "Don't go Sonny, please." she said as she started
to cry.
BULTAR (as Natalie): I didn’t get my chance to poison you yet!
"I won't get hurt, I promise." and he kissed her good bye. "I love
you Natalie, I always will." "I love you too." she said as she hugged him
tight.
SHAAK: …looking for a good place to stick the knife.
As Ninjor put his sword on his back, he looked back and winked at
Natalie. "Let's go He-Man." he said as he lit up a cigarette. As he walked
down the hall, he heard a faint cry in the background, as if someone was
screaming in pain for him to return soon.
ADI: Or rather, as if someone was screaming in pain from his fics. Oh, wait, that would be us.
BULTAR: And Skeletor, Evil-Lyn, and Beast Man.
SHAAK: And Aragorn, Legolas, Arwen, and Gimli.
ADI: And Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Neville Longbottom.
BULTAR: And Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot.
AAYLA: And the entire He-Man fanbase.
When they reached Grayskull, the Sorceress was standing next to a
open portal, She-Ra was already there waiting for them. "This is the gateway
to the place Skeletor is waiting for you.
SHAAK: Obviously Sonny doesn’t remember what the name of the big snake-shaped volcano is.
ADI: Nor does he seem to remember said volcano in the first place.
BULTAR: Nor does he seem to have any idea where the hell he’s even going.
AAYLA: Would it really have killed him to do research before writing this…thing?
Are you ready Ninjor?" said the
Sorceress. "Ready as ever." said Ninjor putting out his cigarette. "Then go,
and be careful, we don't want to loose you." said the Sorceress.
AAYLA: If they don’t want to “loose” him, then why are they letting him run wild all over Skeletor?
BULTAR: Grammar Gaff #345, 985, 621, 847.
As they
walked through the gate, Sonny felt his heart beat faster than usual and
thought he heard Natalie's voice praying that he would be safe.
BULTAR: She wants the privilege of killing him personally. Why should Skeletor spoil her fun?
As they
finally reached the spot, they spotted Hordak and Skeletor talking.
ADI: Wait a minute! I thought these two hated each other!
SHAAK: Haven’t you learned by now? Petty matters such as accuracy to detail and plot coherence are beneath Ninjor’s notice.
"What's
he doing here?" said She-Ra dumb founded. "I don't know, but I'm going find
out." said Ninjor as he started off towards their enemies. he got close enough
to place a small microphone on the spot where they were standing.
AAYLA: He got close enough to plant a microphone by them…
BULTAR: …and neither of them even bothered to check and see if they were being spied on.
SHAAK: Ah, the Mary Sue. The only forum where great villains can be portrayed as ignorant, clueless clods.
He turned
on a boxed that ran to some head phones.
ADI: Uh…where the hell did he get all this sound equipment?
SHAAK: And WTF is a “boxed”?
He listen closely to what they were
saying. "So Hordak, you say that He-Man has brought another warrior as well
as She-Ra." "Yes, he is a ninja from earth." 'Oh $#!+, I'm busted' thought
Ninjor as he grabbed the Mic. and hauled ass back to where He-Man and She-Ra
were watching.
ADI: Can anyone else keep track of that conversation?
(everyone else shakes their head)
ADI: Me neither.
"What did you find out." said He-Man. "Hordak found out I was
here." "Oh no, this isn't good." said She-Ra.
BULTAR: No, that’s very good!
AAYLA: Yeah, that means Sonny will get his @$$ kicked!
SHAAK: Hey, maybe Hordak will use those chest buzz-saws of his on this dork!
ADI: Oooh, better yet, he could tear him apart with his hurricane powers!
AAYLA: The thought of Sonny getting his comeuppance give me the tingles! (pause) Not as much as when I see my Obi strutting by, mind you—
BULTAR: Aayla, shut up!!!!
"Well, I think it's about time
they met Ninjor." said Ninjor as he grabbed his sword.
ADI: A clever euphemism for stroking more than just his ego.
EVERYONE ELSE: Eeeewwww….
"Let's go." he said as
he went over to where they were station. "Master, it's He-Man and She-Ra!"
cried Two Bad, a two-headed menion of Skeletor's. "Dammit, how did they find
me!" yelled Skeletor in rage.
SHAAK: What’s a “menion”?
AAYLA: And just where exactly are these guys stationed in the first place?
ADI: How dumb does Sonny think we are?
BULTAR: He probably thinks we’re just as smart as he is.
ADI: Well, that explains a lot.
"Ninjor, gather your troops, it's time to let
He-Man see what we have been working on." said Skeletor with a horrid laugh.
AAYLA: Which Ninjor is this? The bad guy or the Mary Sue?
SHAAK: Damned if I know.
ADI: I’d say the Mary Sue IS the bad guy, personally.
As they walked closer, Ninjor felt a slight tremble. "Hold it." he said.
"What is it bro?" asked He-Man.
BULTAR (groaning): And now he’s turned He-Man into one of the Generic Gangsta Rappers.
AAYLA (gangsta rap voice): Hey, Ninjor, you know why you be makin’ He-Man look so stupid? ‘Cause you’re baller blockin’! You know why you be writin’ deez Mary Sues? ‘Cause you’re baller blockin’!
SHAAK: This from somebody who writes Mary Sues about herself and Obi-Wan Kenobi day in and day out….
AAYLA (gangsta rap voice): Hey, don’t be dissin’ my rep, G! I be stuntin’ all ova tha block and makin’ the Star Wars fans super-horny! You be hatin’ on me, and Im’a pop a Jedi cap in yo’ bee-hind!
SHAAK: (rolls her eyes in exasperation)
"We're not alone." said Ninjor as he saw a
shadow move across the rocks.
ADI: No $#!+, pal. She-Ra’s with you guys.
BULTAR (as Terence Stamp): Kneel before General Obvious!
He pulled out his sword turned around fast.
Ninjor looked dead at the guy who Orko named him after.
AAYLA: I wish this guy WAS dead.
SHAAK: So does the whole He-Man fanbase.
"OH $#!+!!!!!"
yelled Ninjor as he saw all these warriors start to jump in for a gang up on
him and his friends. "This is not good." said She-Ra as she drew out her
sword. "You said it sis." said He-Man doing the same as his sister.
ADI: My, such tension and excitement! I’m positively on the edge of my seat!
SHAAK: Yes, I can’t imagine how our heroes are going to get out of this!
BULTAR: At this point, if He-Man and She-Ra both died, it’d be a mercy killing. This fic’s already made total fools out of them.
"So
He-Man, you and your sister have come to try and spoil my plans to take over
Eternia? Well, it's not going to happen since my friend Ninjor is about to
teach you a lesson." said Skeletor. "Ah, I'm sorry, were you talking about
me, I don't think so Bone-Brain." said Ninjor holding his sword ready. "What?
Two Ninjor's?" said Skeletor shocked.
AAYLA: See? Even Skeletor’s confused by this fic!
ADI: When the characters don’t even know what the hell’s going on, you know you’re in trouble.
"Yep, now, get back or else you become
nothing but a guy who had a bad haircut if you get my drift." said Ninjor
ready to get to work.
SHAAK (as Skeletor): Dude, I have no hair. I have a bare skull, remember? That’s why I’m called Skeletor, you dumb@$$!
"Ninjor, get him, I'll take He-Man." said Skeletor
firing a bolt from his staff. "I'll get She-Ra." said Hordak switching to his
canon arm mode. As the battle began, Ninjor notice a small black box on
Skeletor's belt. 'That must be the remote for whatever the **** he's got
planned for Eternia.' he thought as he charged at Ninjor.
ADI: Brilliant way to introduce a lethal doomsday device.
BULTAR: And the total lack of excitement and tension continues.
AAYLA: Which Ninjor’s charging at who?
SHAAK: Does anyone really care at this point? I just want this #*&^ing thing over and done with.
'I got to get it.'
AAYLA (singing at the top of her lungs): You won’t forget it! Kiss you under your—
BULTAR: You are NOT gonna sing Sisqo songs around me, you MTV-obsessed bimbo! Now SHUT UP!
AAYLA (sulking): Stiff.
he thought as he ran past Ninjor with ease. "Hey, come back a fight you
coward!" yelled Ninjor in anger. "Catch me first dip-$#!+!" said Sonny
BULTAR: Go #*&^ yourself, ya rooty-poo candy-@$$!
as he
ran up to Skeletor and grabbed the remote. "oh Skeletor." said Sonny as he
held the remote in his hand. "Did you loose something?" he said tauntingly.
ADI (as Skeletor): Yes, you black-clad buffoon! I loosed my warriors upon you! Now shut up and die like a good Mary Sue!
"What? You bastard, give me back the remote." said Skeletor in anger.
AAYLA (as Skeletor): I need it in order to tape the Red Shoe Diaries marathon running on Showtime tonight!
"I
don't think so." said Sonny as he threw the remote in the air and sliced it
in half with his sword. "NO!!!!!!" yelled Skeletor as he fired a bolt of
energy at Ninjor from his Havoc Staff.
AAYLA (as Skeletor): Now I can’t tape my late-night Showtime fantasy porn!
"NINJOR, DUCK!!!!" yelled He-Man.
With enough time to react, Ninjor ducked and the shot hit the other Ninjor
right behind him.
BULTAR: That’s it. I can’t keep track of who’s fighting who anymore.
ADI: Hey, I didn’t even bother to try following this. I’m just letting it wash over me.
"You missed dickhead."
SHAAK (as Skeletor): Yes, I know. I’ll have to make sure to hit Dickhead next time.
AAYLA: Oooh, rough.
"Yes, but I won't." said a voice in
pain as Ninjor spun around to see the other Ninjor through off his mask to
reveal the hinister face of a demond.
ADI: Uh…um…uhm…WTF is he talking about?
"HOLY $#!+!!!!" said Ninjor shocked.
AAYLA: Whoa, even Ninjor can’t understand what he just wrote!
"Attack Ninjor, hit him with everything you got!" cheered Skeletor in
triumph. "Look appond the face of your brother-in-law, or should I say DEAD
brother-in-law." said Ninjor as his face changed to that of Kerry's but
decaying.
BULTAR: Ah, yes, the unforeseen twist ending.
ADI: Like The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable, only this one makes no sense at all.
AAYLA: Actually, I think it’s more like the Jon Peters/JJ Abrams “re-imagining” of Superman, where everything makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.
SHAAK: And how the hell does one “look appond the face”?
"NO!!!" said Sonny as he started to fight back with an array of
blows. "Give in Ninjor, it's over, you can not defeat the forces of
darkness." said the deformed face of Ninjor.
AAYLA: This is SO annoying! All they ever call each other is Ninjor! Ninjor, Ninjor, Ninjor!
ADI: Don’t even bother trying to keep track of what’s going on. You’ll only blow a head-gasket.
"Oh really, then try this on
for size." said Sonny as he pulled out his sword and cut off the hand of his
apponit.
BULTAR: Unfortunately, since we have no idea what the hell an “apponit” is, this entire gesture is totally #*&^ing meaningless!
"And now, just to quote the Highlander, There can be only one." said
Sonny as he cut off Ninjor's head. "Who's next?" he said.
AAYLA: You, I hope.
SHAAK: Too bad he didn’t chop his own head off.
ADI: Yeah, I think the wrong Ninjor got decapitated.
"I'm outa here."
said Skeletor in a hurry. "Wait for me Skeletor!" yelled Hordak transforming
into his rocket mode.
SHAAK: Wait a minute! They had He-Man and the gang on the ropes! Why are they retreating?
ADI: Hey, this fic’s almost over. Don’t prolong it by pointing out plot holes.
"Ninjor, are you alright?" asked He-Man.
AAYLA: No, he’s all right. Not that that’s a good thing, mind you….
"Yea, let's
get back to the Palace, I got to go see someone."
As they reached the Palace, Sonny walked in his room and found
Natalie sleeping on his bed.
ADI: I see he made good use of the chloroform.
BULTAR: Yeah, otherwise no woman in her right mind would want to be on his bed.
He bent over a kissed her lightly on the lips.
"What the, Sonny?" she said as she opened up her eyes.
AAYLA (as Natalie): EEEEEEK! Get away from me, you pervert! I’ll call 911!
"Time to wake up
baby." said Sonny standing their safe and sound.
SHAAK: Much to our eternal chagrin….
"SONNY!!!!!!" she yelled.
"Oh thank God you're safe." "Yes, I heard your prayer." he said as he kissed
her. "You did?" she said, he just nodded. "Oh baby, I love you" "I love you
too Natalie." said Sonny as they started what they hadn't finished last
night.
ALL: (violent sounds of barfing)
All four women slowly stagger out of the discipline chamber, trying to fight off dry heaves.
ADI: Oh, God, that was just…just…eeeurrrgh!
SHAAK: The pain…the horrible, horrible pain….
BULTAR: I’ll kill him…I swear to God if I ever meet him, I’ll kill him….
AAYLA: That…that really…really sucked like a singularity….
BULTAR: Oh, so you’ve finally learned your lesson, eh?
AAYLA: Yes, I have—
SHAAK: Good. I guess being made to sit thru a bad Mary Sue was enough to get you on the straight and narrow—
AAYLA: I learned I was being far too obvious with the way I was wooing Obi-Wan! I’m just gonna have to be more subtle and discreet from now on! Mark my words, I won’t rest until Obi-Wan Kenobi is in my arms for all eternity! And there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me! Nothing, you hear?! (starts jumping up and down on Adi, Bultar, and Shaak, trying to mash them into the floor) He’s mine, you understand? Mine! All mine! Get back in there! Down, down, down! Go, go, go! Mine, mine, mine! (lets loose with a deranged cackle and runs off)
SHAAK (in pain): Well, THAT worked out just fine….
BULTAR: That’s it. She’s dead. I get my hands on her, she’s toast—
ADI: Ah, to hell with her. She’s not even worth beating up. (struggles to her feet) Come on, girls. We’re gonna be late for the Karaoke Cabaret! Let’s get moving already!
(Bultar and Shaak clamber to their feet, and the three walk off)