Well, folks, there’s only one Ninjor fic that has yet to be MSTied…and to be honest, it’s the absolute worst one yet. It’s so bad that not even He-Man and company could bring themselves to attempt taking it on. Harry Potter and his crew called in sick, claiming they’d come down with some exotic wizard’s disease and were too ill to MST the piece. Buck Rogers and his pals were all doing time for beating the hell out of Elias Huer. The Jedi Order was unwilling to lend of their ranks for a second go-round with Sonny’s scrawlings. King Aragorn and his entourage threatened yours truly with decapitation if they were made to do this again. And Skeletor and his Horde ran away screaming like a bunch of little girls when they were offered the task.
So who would be brave enough to face this final horror from the worst Mary Sue since Captain John Tyler? Well, such a beast could only be tamed by the World’s Finest team, the most celebrated and beloved superheroes in American fiction. And so, let us join Superman and Batman as they wrestle with…
Invasion on Grayskull
By: Sonny Iverson (Ninjor)
BATMAN (grumbling): I can’t believe we’re doing this, Clark. Of all the fics we could have skewered, why did it have to be this one?
SUPERMAN: Relax, Bruce, this is the last of the Ninjor Chronicles. After this, we can go after bigger and better game.
BATMAN: If we survive this, that is….
"Man, it's been almost 9 months now since we defeated bone-head and
them and still no complaints." said Ninjor to He-Man while there were on
their way to Grayskull.
SUPERMAN: Actually, there’ve been plenty of complaints. Particularly from the He-Man fanbase.
BATMAN: Yes, it seems they think your writing sucks….
"Yes, I know what you mean, I wonder what he's up
too. He's never been this quiet before." said He-Man riding Battle-Cat.
BATMAN: Who’s “He-Man Riding Battle-Cat”?
SUPERMAN: Must be another ill-conceived variant figure.
BATMAN: Oh, kind of like the ones Hasbro made for us. I get it now.
are things going with you and Natalie." he asked.
BATMAN: Excuse me, but if he “asked,” shouldn’t there have been a question mark?
"Better than ever." said
Sonny taking a sip of his drink.
SUPERMAN: Which is hopefully laced with strychnine or cyanide.
"She's been talking about marriage after we
SUPERMAN: But since Skeletor’s defeat would mark the end of MotU, that’ll never happen.
BATMAN: And hopefully you’ll have been killed off in a disgusting and messy manner by that time.
"That's good, too bad Teela doesn't love me like that as
Adam." said He-Man sadly.
BATMAN: She doesn’t even love you like that as He-Man, either. She was damn near ready to start shagging Ninjor, remember?
SUPERMAN: Which doesn’t say much for her tastes….
"Yea, I just hope the Sorceress has the portal
ready for me,
BATMAN (as Ninjor): So I can leave now and never return, sparing the He-Man fans the torture of putting up with my crappily written Mary Sue fantasies.
SUPERMAN: There’s about as much chance of that happening as there is of those Byrne/Jurgens Sycophants™ growing up and realizing that my mythos didn’t begin in 1986 and end in 1999.
BATMAN: And there’s even less chance of my fans waking up and realizing that Frank Miller is NOT the end-all be-all of my chronicles and that you and I are supposed to be best friends.
I can't wait to see what my mom and them got in stored for me,
after all, my birthday is tomorrow." said Ninjor Happily.
SUPERMAN: And with any luck, it’ll be your last birthday.
BATMAN: I hope his parents give him a foolproof deathtrap as his gift.
Mean while, in Snake Mountain. "Well, that stupid Ninjor is leaving
for earth, ay?
SUPERMAN: No stupid, this is how you say it… (does the thumbs-up gesture with both hands) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
BATMAN: Leather jacket and greaser hairdo optional.
Beast-Man, Evil-Lyn, Trap-Jaw, prepare to leave, it's time for
us to unleash my new weapon, HAHAHA!!!" said Skeletor with an evil laugh.
BATMAN (as Skeletor): Of course, this weapon is simplistically conceived and will no doubt be easily destroyed by He-Man, but we need something to pad out the 30-minute running time….
"Alright, finally we get to bring that Ninjor to his knees." laughed
SUPERMAN (as Evil-Lyn): We’ll show him the reviews of his fics from He-Man.org and Fan Fiction.net. Oooh, and the MSTies of his fics, too.
BATMAN (as Trap-Jaw): Yes, between Slinky Avenger and King Krypton, we’ve got enough ammo to shatter his resolve for good.
"Yes, even the power of Grayskull that he and He-Man carry won't
be able to stop it."
BATMAN: Because hell hath no fury than a vocal fanbase scorned.
said Skeletor watching his enemies as they made there
way toward Grayskull. "It's is time, let us go to Grayskull to take it over
once and for all."
SUPERMAN (as Skeletor): Or at least make another lame attempt that will surely be foiled by He-Man. God knows we don’t have the brains to actually pull this off.
"Master, what if Ninjor is not defeated after this
attack?" asked Two-Bad.
SUPERMAN: You could always pants him and give him a wedgie.
BATMAN: Or embed a batarang in his face. It might improve his looks.
SUPERMAN: Say, didn’t you do that to Spawn once?
BATMAN (irate): Why did you have to bring up that crossover? I told you never to bring up that crossover again!
SUPERMAN: Well, you still keep ragging on me about the whole “ElectroSupes” thing.
BATMAN (groans): OK, OK, we’ll call it even, then.
"Then it is quite simple, we go after his one love
and hold her ransom." said Skeletor.
BATMAN: Uh, excuse me, but you’re going to have to be more specific. Ninjor keeps giving himself a new love interest in every story. In the last one, he had at least four.
SUPERMAN: One of whom he stole away from He-Man, but let’s not get into that.
"Remember what happen last time we did
that though Skeletor?" said Beast-Man reminding him.
BATMAN: Yes, I think we’ve established that Beast Man is indeed reminding Skeletor of his past blunders.
"That all Megatron's
fault, if he hadn't brought that fool from earth, we would have won." said
SUPERMAN: No, you wouldn’t. Mary Sues have a nasty habit of making themselves invincible.
"Well, hopefully this plan will work, I'm getting tired of
just sitting around here doing nothing." said Trap-Jaw yawning.
BATMAN: Because Sonny’s fics bore him to death.
work." said Skeletor with a wicked laugh.
"Well Sonny, are you ready for your trip back to earth?" asked the
Sorceress preparing the portal.
BOTH: All hail the abrupt and pointless scene change!
"Yes, I can't wait to see all my old friends
again." said Sonny as he returned to his normal clothes.
BATMAN: Including the lovely Gucci straitjacket the folks at Arkham Asylum bought for him.
SUPERMAN: And they’ve done a masterful job fixing up the padded cell in honor of his return.
"Take this to
Shelley for me, tell her that Adam sent it for her and Amber." said He-Man as
he handed him a small package.
BATMAN: OK, I know who Shelley is, but who the hell’s Amber?
SUPERMAN: You’re better off not knowing.
"What is it?" asked Sonny curiously.
SUPERMAN: With any luck, an incendiary device designed to make you burst into flame the instant it’s activated.
rings Kerry gave me to hold for him until he died to give to Shelley and
Amber, I just forgot about it at the funeral." said He-Man as he looked at
the Sorceress preparing the portal.
BATMAN: Holy Tangled And Incomprehensible Sentences, Batm—no, wait. I am Batman. (shakes his head in embarrassment) I feel so stupid….
"Will do bro." said Sonny sticking them
in his pocket. "If yall need me while I'm gone, then feel free to contact me
the usual way."
SUPERMAN: With insults, obscenities, hate mail, letter bombs, and/or four-letter F-words. None of which are mutually exclusive.
said Sonny as he pointed to the wrist-communicator on his
BATMAN: Yes, Sonny, we all can see that you’re wearing a wrist communicator. Now get lost. You bother us.
SUPERMAN: And don’t come back, either, lest you face the wrath of every fictional character known to mankind.
"Will do." said the Sorceress as she opened the portal. "Well, I'll be
back after my birthday." said Sonny as he entered the portal.
SUPERMAN: And all over the galaxy, He-Man fans wept in grief over hearing that comment.
"See ya soon
bro." said He-Man as he waved good-bye.
BATMAN: “Bro”? Since when was He-Man ever a homeboy?
SUPERMAN: Cue the obligatory rap jokes….
"Ahh, good old Franklin,
SUPERMAN: He was always willing to beat Sonny’s @$$ down and steal his lunch money. How I wish he’d show up and do the same now….
better call He-Man and tell him I got here
alright." said Sonny as he came out in his back yard.
BATMAN: Which will certainly ruin He-Man’s day.
that, I got to see who's in trouble." said Sonny
SUPERMAN: Uh…who spoke just now?
BATMAN: I don’t think I want to know.
as he followed the sound of
the voice and found his cousin Mica stuck in a tree.
SUPERMAN: Who was more than likely thrown up there by He-Man.
BATMAN: Hey, he’s been tossing Skeletor and Hordak into trees lately. Why stop there?
"HAHA, how did I know
it was you stuck in a tree, you brat!" yelled Sonny to his cousin.
SUPERMAN: Uh…excuse me, but you didn’t know it was your cousin in the tree. @$$.
BATMAN: Sound advice. You really ought to follow it, Sonny. It’ll make life so much easier for all of us.
"Later Mica." said Sonny as he went in his house using the house
BOTH: Well, DUH!!!!!
"I'm Home!!!" he yelled as he saw nobody was there.
SUPERMAN: They all ran screaming for the hills as soon as they found out he was coming home.
"Hmm, maybe she's
at Miss Sis's."
BATMAN: “Miss Sis’s”?!? WTF?!?!
SUPERMAN (sighing): Words fail me at this moment….
he said to himself as he walked outside and headed for his
Mom's. "Oh mother, your baby boy is home!" he yelled
BATMAN (as Sonny’s mom): Where the hell have been, you nasty little Mary Sue? You’re in big trouble when your father comes home!
SUPERMAN (as Sonny’s dad): Assume the position and bend over, young man! It’s well past time you got a darn good spanking! Just let me get my board with several long nails in it!
as he saw Amber standing
there with a smile on her face.
BATMAN: Because she just farted.
"Hey my baby, what you been doing sense I've
been gone?" said Sonny as he picked her up and kissed her on the forehead.
SUPERMAN: “My baby”? But…this guy’s only 15 years old, according to his last fic!
BATMAN: Good God, this means somebody actually slept with him… (groans) There’s no hope for the human race….
"I got something for you Shelley, Adam told me to give them to you, he said
that he forgot about it at the funeral and there for you and Amber." said
Sonny as he handed her the box.
BATMAN: Let me introduce you to a new concept, Sonny…separate and distinct sentences!
"Thanks boy." said Shelley as she took them
SUPERMAN (as Shelley): Now go swive yourself, boy.
"Yall know where Nanny's at?" he asked.
BATMAN: She’s in New York with Mr. Sheffield, Niles, and CC Babcock.
SUPERMAN: Not to mention a young blonde who sounds uncannily like my cousin from Argo.
"Yea, she's at Miss Sis's."
said his Mom kissing him.
SUPERMAN: And gagging all the while.
"Thanks." he said as he walked over there. "BOO!!!"
he yelled behind her.
BATMAN: Uh…yelled behind who?
"Don't do that." said his aunt as she jumped 3 feet
in the air. "Sorry, just had to do that."
SUPERMAN: In order to pad this story out because he couldn’t write a quality narrative to save his life.
he said as he notice his friend
Coy driving down the road. "Hey boy, where the hell have you been?" he asked
as he pulled up to him.
BATMAN (as Coy): Staying the hell away from you, what’s it look like?
SUPERMAN: And how can Sonny pull up to this guy when he’s traveling on foot?
"Out of town, remember?" he said in reply.
BATMAN (as Coy): Like I said, staying the hell away from you.
saving Eternia from Skeletor." said Coy with a dumb look on his face.
BATMAN: Where the hell did this come from?!
SUPERMAN: Maybe we misread that last dialogue exchange….
BATMAN: Maybe Sonny did a $#!++y job of writing it in the first place!!!
talk about trouble, first he tries some stupid s**t with a ninja, then he
brings Megatron into the picture with that bald dude I helped Ralph and them
defeat. Talk about some s**t huh?" said Sonny leaning on the truck.
SUPERMAN: Yes, Sonny, your fics are total and complete $#!+. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
that sounds like a work out, met any good looking girls up there?" he asked
thinking that he would say no.
BATMAN: …simply because Sonny wanted hoard all the ladies to himself.
SUPERMAN: After all, he’s a Mary Sue. He can give himself all the girls he wants and not have to share them with anyone.
"HAHA, let's just say that after this s**t is
done with that I'm getting married to Natalie Flores." said Sonny smiling.
BATMAN: Ignoring, of course, that he’s been cheating on her with Amelia, Christin, Teela, and even tried to have a slash scene with Toutsu in the last fic.
SUPERMAN: But being a Mary Sue’s bimbo, she’ll overlook at that and forgive him.
"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?" said Coy as his eyes almost popped out his head.
SUPERMAN: In total disbelief that any woman could possibly be that desperate.
supposed to be getting married." said Sonny again.
BATMAN: No, you’re supposed to be getting killed off in the most degrading way possible. You’re only getting married to spite us.
"Hey, what's that beeping
noise?" asked Coy as Sonny's wrist communicater started to go off. "Oh,
that's my communicater, it's how I keep in touch with the guys over there.
SUPERMAN: So their satellite targeting systems can pinpoint your exact location and blast you off the face of the earth.
BATMAN: Not that anyone would miss you, natch.
This is Ninjor, what's going on?"
BATMAN: Well, since you asked, we’re witnessing a prime example of what happens when a Mary Sue unleashes his ego all over a well-established franchise.
SUPERMAN: And does so in an illegible, incoherent, stupid, and profanity-riddled manner as to make his rantings and ravings totally unreadable.
said Sonny as he pressed the talk button
"Hey babe, did you get there alright." said a female voice.
BATMAN: Unfortunately, yes.
she wants to f**k me bad." said Sonny to Coy.
SUPERMAN (as Sonny): Because I am the Lord Mary Sue, and I can make anyone fall in love with me whenever I want, however I want, even if it means stealing other guys’ girlfriends.
"Teela, what have I told you
about calling me babe?" "Sorry, I was just joking."
BATMAN: She’d better be joking, or else I’ll have to give her an impromptu lobotomy with a batarang.
"Alright, yea, I'm here
ok. What's going on now? Old bone-brained tried anything yet?"
SUPERMAN: Yes, he wrote the fan-fics “The Origin of Ninjor,” “Trouble On Cybertron,” “Invasion On Grayskull,” “The New Heroes,” and “Back To Eternia”…oh, wait. You are Old Bone-Brained! My bad!
still quiet as a mouse.
BATMAN: Too bad we can’t say the same for Sonny.
Natalie was getting worried about you and wanted me
to contact you and see if you were alright."
SUPERMAN: She was worried you might still be alive and she’d be stuck having to marry you like you’ve been threatening.
"Oh, well let me talk to her."
"Ok, hold on, let me get her."
BATMAN: Would it be too much to ask that we please know who the hell’s talking here?
"Ok" said Sonny as he looked at Coy with a
look that said 'That girl loves me too much'
SUPERMAN: Hey, you wrote her this way. It’s your own damn fault if she’s too much to handle.
"Hey baby." came Natalie's voice
over the communicater. "Hey baby, how you doing?" "I miss you" "I miss you
too" "I got a surprise for you" "What?" "I'll take you up on that offer to
get married." "Great, I love you." "I love you too. You going to be back for
my birthday?" "Yeah, I'll be back in time." said Sonny as he looked at Coy
who had a dumb-founded look on his face.
SUPERMAN: We have dumbfounded looks on our faces, too.
BATMAN: From being totally unable to comprehend just what the hell happened.
"Let me let you go bro, I got to go
find me some food." said Sonny to Coy as he walked away from the truck.
"Alright, later man." said Coy as he drove away.
BATMAN: …tremendously relieved to finally get the hell away from Sonny at last.
"Hey, let me talk to Adam."
"Ok hold on, I love you" "I love you too." said Sonny as Natalie went get
Adam. "This is Adam, what's up Sonny?"
SUPERMAN (as Sonny): Nothing much, just trying to see how incomprehensible and convoluted I can possibly make this dialogue sequence.
"Not much, go tell the Sorrcess that I
might be back with a hang over cause I'm going get f**ked up tommorrow
SUPERMAN: Judging from your fics and the way you write them, I’d say you’re &*^%ed up already.
BATMAN: And who’s the “Sorrcess,” anyway?
"No prob." said Adam as the alarm went off.
BATMAN: And he awoke to discover this whole crappy fic was nothing but a bad dream.
SUPERMAN: We should be so lucky.
"Oh Lord, what's going on
Adam?" asked Sonny as he heard the alarm "Oh, Orko accidently activated it."
BATMAN: No, he was actually trying to alert everyone that they’re trapped in a heinous Mary Sue. But keep telling yourself that, if it ensures your piece of mind.
"Oh, thank God, tell that little blue bitch to stay the hell out of my room."
AAYLA SECURA (showing up out of nowhere, irate): I resent that comment, Sonny Iverson! You’ve got a lot of brass balls, insulting me, the sexpot of the Jedi Order, like that! I swear to God, if I ever get my hands on you, you’ll find yourself on the wrong end of my lightsaber!
SUPERMAN: Uh…Aayla…you’re not supposed to be here. This is me and Bruce’s MSTie. Shouldn’t you be off hitting on Obi-Wan Kenobi or something?
BATMAN: Besides, Aayla, there’s a run in your tights.
AAYLA (frantically checking herself over): A run? I have a run in my tights?! (loses her marbles completely) Oh, no! I can’t seduce my Obi looking like this! (runs off crying)
SUPERMAN (glaring): That was cruel, Bruce. She didn’t have any runs or snags in her tights.
BATMAN (laughing): I know. But hey, it got rid of her, right?
SUPERMAN: If she realizes you tricked her, whatever she does to you is your fault and your fault only.
"ORKO!!!! SONNY SAID STAY OUT HIS ROOM!!!!!!!" yelled Adam. "ALRIGHT!!!!"
yelled Orko back. "I don't trust him."
BATMAN: We don’t trust Ninjor, either. You never know when he might set his sights on OUR universes and wreak havoc on us.
"You got the door locked huh?" "Yeah,
but you know how he always get's in." "Yeah, through the window." "That's why
I hooked up a hidden camera so I can see if that little bitch goes in there."
"That's a smart idea. Did you give Shelley that stuff?" "Yeah, well, gotta
run." "Ok, take it easy man, I'll call you if Skeletor starts any trouble."
"Good, I'm going to call Adora to tell her to be waiting for me when I'm
ready to come back." "Alright, Good Bye."
BOTH: (staring numbly at the screen, their eyes glazed over)
"Laterz" said Sonny switching
frequencies to call Adora on Etheria. "Adora, come in, this is Ninjor." said
Sonny opening a can of Root Beer.
SUPERMAN: Well, there’s product placement A&W didn’t need.
BATMAN: Or want.
"This is Adora, what do you need?"
BATMAN: How about a brain operation?
SUPERMAN: Yes, I think Sonny needs to have one installed.
with the aditude?"
SUPERMAN: Good question. What is an “aditude,” may I ask?
"I'm kinda busy with Sea Hawk if you know what I mean."
BATMAN (as Adora): I’m trying to get him to start writing his WWFFs again. King Krypton’s been taking over his game, and I don’t want Hawk to be left eating his dust.
SUPERMAN: Yes, whatever happened to his WWFF webpage? Funny stuff, that. He really should revive it.
"Oh s**t, sorry. I wanted to tell you that I'm going to contact you to be
waiting for me at Grayskull for my arrival back to Eternia."
BATMAN: And I wanted to tell you that you could have split that up into two or three sentences.
"Why do you want
me to go meet you?"
SUPERMAN (as Adora): I don’t find you attractive, and I think you’re a usurping idiot. There is no way I am ever going to make a booty call with you.
"Cause I want some help with making wedding plans." "Oh
my God, you and Natalie are finally getting married?"
BATMAN (as Adora): Good God, I didn’t realize Natalie was that hard up for a husband.
SUPERMAN: Then again, I never knew Teela was so hard up for a boyfriend until she started macking on Sonny. I guess this is just par for the course.
"Yeah, it's about time
BATMAN: For you to meet a disgusting and grisly end? I’ll say.
BATMAN: See? Even She-Ra agrees with me!
"Well, I'll meet you at Grayskull, laterz." "Bye."
said Adora as Sonny turn off the communicater. "Hey boy." came a voice from
BOTH: (snoring loudly)
"Hey boy, where's your truck?" said Sonny to Shelby.
SUPERMAN (as Shelby): Hiding in the shadows, waiting for the first available moment to run you over.
Plaquiman, it's busted up bad."
BATMAN: Too bad we can’t say the same for every bone in Sonny’s body.
SUPERMAN: And who’s Plaquiman, anyway? Some kind of superhero who can transform himself into wood and lucite?
"How bad is bad?" "Let's just say that it's
in the junk yard." "Damn, that sucks."
SUPERMAN: And with this dialogue exchange, Sonny aptly describes the quality of his fics and where they ultimately belong.
"Tell me about it." said Shelby as
their convocation continued.
BATMAN: I tell you, Sonny’s grasp of narrative technique is great…for me to poop on.
Mean while at Grayskull, the Sorceress was reading one of her books
SUPERMAN: How To Properly Care For Your Feathers, by Hawkman.
BATMAN: With a foreword by Fawkes the Phoenix.
when all of a sudden she heard a big bang.
BATMAN: No doubt she was listening in on one of those He-Porn slash fics.
SUPERMAN (reaching for a sick bag): Don’t remind me of those…yuck….
"What is going on?" she said aloud
SUPERMAN: Well, you’re still stuck in a crappy fic, for one thing.
and walked to the window to see Skeletor with a new machine.
SUPERMAN: …that makes fresh espresso in ten seconds or less.
BATMAN: Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.
"Oh no, I must
contact He-Man." said the Sorceress as she sent out a telepathic message to
Adam in the Royal Palace.
SUPERMAN (as Zoar): Oh, Adam…I’m naked and I’m thinking of you. Why don’t you come to Grayskull and give Mama some sugar? I’ll even wear my prettiest feathery thong.
BATMAN: Clark, don’t say that, not even joking. John Tyler might get ideas.
"I'm tired Adam. Can't we just go home and eat?"
complained Adam's pet tiger Cringer. "Shh, the Sorceress is contacting me."
said Adam as he heard her voice in his head.
SUPERMAN (as Adam): Whoa, dude. I thought hot older chicks only made come-ons to younger guys in the movies.
BATMAN: Obviously he hasn’t been keeping up with Demi Moore’s love life lately.
SUPERMAN: But you have to admit Adam/He-Man is an improvement over Ashton Kutcher.
BATMAN: So’s a crumbly old brick. What’s your point?
"Adam, He-Man is needed at
Grayskull, Skeletor has unleased a new weapon upon us."
BATMAN: How does one “unlease” something?
"Well, what about
Ninjor, he said to call him if we needed him." "Let's not, let's see if
Skeletor can just put up with He-Man for right now."
SUPERMAN: But of course, you’ll just have to call in Ninjor. God forbid that He-Man ever be able to handle his biggest enemy all by his lonesome. Everyone knows the hero of the story can’t be allowed to win on his own.
BATMAN: You’re still bitter about DC rigging things so you can’t take down Luthor without me, aren’t you?
SUPERMAN: Gee, Bruce, whatever tipped you off?
BATMAN: Well, don’t get grumpy with me. I had nothing to do with it. If it was up to me, you’d have beaten Luthor to a pulp by now. I’ve got enough problems to deal with.
SUPERMAN: What, like living down The Dark Knight Strikes Back?
BATMAN (terse): Never say the unholy words ever again.
"Very well Sorceress."
said Adam as he took out his sword and yelled. "By The Power of Grayskull!"
A flash of white light came from the blade of the sword and surrounded Adam.
SUPERMAN: Blinding him to the horror of Sonny’s prose…or whatever passes for it, anyway.
After the light died down, Adam was gone and in his place stood He-Man.
He grabbed the sword with both hands and yelled, "I Have the Power!"
BATMAN: To be upstaged and humiliated by a pansy-@$$ Mary Sue.
He then pointed the sword at Cringer who was cowering and in a
flash of light, Cringer was gone and in his place stood the mighty
Battle-Cat roaring for action.
SUPERMAN: Actually, I think he’s just roaring to be released from this fic.
BATMAN: Do you blame him?
"To Castle Grayskull Cat, and hurry."
BATMAN: “Castle Grayskull Cat”? Is that another variant figure?
SUPERMAN: Knowing Mattel? Probably.
said He-Man mounting Battle-Cat as he took off for Grayskull.
"Hopefully they will call upon Ninjor to help." said Skeletor with glee.
SUPERMAN: Uh…wait a minute, just how the hell did we get to this?
BATMAN: GREAT segue, Sonny….
"Guess again Bone-Brain." said He-Man behind Skeletor.
BATMAN: WTF? How did he get there so fast? He just left for Grayskull a sentence ago!
"Get him!" yelled
Skeletor seeing He-Man. "Not so fast Bone-head." said Teela sneaking him from
the side. "Thanks Teela." said He-Man as he threw Beast-man is the mud.
"Anytime He-Man." said Teela as she sent Evil-Lyn to join her companion.
BATMAN: HOLY &*^%ING $#!+! Where the hell did she come from?
SUPERMAN: I think Sonny’s just pulling plot resolutions out of his @$$ at this point.
BATMAN: Maybe he’s just pulling these sucky fics out of his @$$!
SUPERMAN: Let’s go with that.
"Not so fast He-Man." said Trap-Jaw holding Natalie with his laser gun
pointed at her.
SUPERMAN: And now we jump to yet another plot point without any warning or foreshadowing, with another character popping in from out of nowhere.
BATMAN: Hey, Sonny, three words for you…logical plot structure!
"One move and the girl get's it."
SUPERMAN (game show host voice): And it’s a lovely new Honda Accord fresh off the assembly line!
BATMAN (game show host voice): And that’s not all! She also gets a brand-new king-sized designer bed complete with silk sheets!
SUPERMAN (game show host voice): And a brand-new Sony widescreen TV as a lovely parting gift!
BATMAN: We’re really reaching for the punchlines now, aren’t we?
SUPERMAN: ‘Fraid so.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Natalie.
BATMAN (as Natalie): I don’t wanna marry Ninjor at the end of this fic! Get me as far away from this Mary Sue as you can! Please!
"If you want to save the girl, call that
brat Ninjor to get her."
SUPERMAN: Yep, just as I thought. Sonny couldn’t go a whole story without forcing He-Man to call him for help.
BATMAN: But it’s not like He-Man could have handled this situation on his own, is it?
SUPERMAN: Not in Sonny’s hands, I fear.
said Skeletor with an evil laugh.
BATMAN: But nowhere near as evil as Sonny’s writing.
"Ahh, this feels good." exclaim Sonny with great relief
SUPERMAN: Not for us, it doesn’t!
BATMAN: Yeah, we’re the ones who have to read this crap!
as he laid
in a hot tub soaking his aching body.
SUPERMAN: And suddenly an irate He-Man fan tossed a frayed electrical cord into the hot tub, flame-broiling Sonny and bringing this heinous fic to an end.
BATMAN: No, wait. That’s the version with the happy ending.
"NINJOR, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!" said a voice
in Sonny's head.
BATMAN (as the voice): Your fics are driving people to mass suicide! You must cease writing them immediately!
"Sorceress? What's wrong?" said Sonny back.
BATMAN: See previous answer.
and He-Man are Skeletor's prisoners outside of Grayskull, you must come help."
SUPERMAN: Because you’ve made He-Man too stupid to even tie his own shoelaces.
BATMAN: But he doesn’t have shoelaces.
SUPERMAN: Thank you for ruining my point….
"I'll be there right away." said Sonny hopping out of the tub and drying off
as fast as he could. He ran into his room, grab his sword and left.
SUPERMAN: So basically, Sonny’s running around buck-naked.
BATMAN: That should put the whole world off its lunch…. (gags)
get out of sight.' Thought Sonny as he ran down to a trail he knew 'This is
good enough.' He thought as he ducked into the woods.
BATMAN: No, it’s not. You still haven’t gotten far enough out of our sight.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, get closer to the Bermuda Triangle. Then we’ll be happy.
"By the magic of
Grayskull!" yelled Sonny holding aloft his sword. A bolt of lighting hit the
sword and transformed Sonny's clothes and strength,
BATMAN: Uh…what clothes? He never said he was wearing any.
SUPERMAN: Don’t ask questions. Just be glad he’s not streaking anymore.
his was now Ninjor.
SUPERMAN: But he’s still a pathetic excuse for a writer.
BATMAN: “His was now Ninjor”? How did this yutz ever pass grammar class?
have the power!" yelled Sonny holding the sword ready for battle.
Eternia." said Sonny as he was teleported there instantly.
BATMAN: And by what?
'This is going to work brilliantly' thought Skeletor as he looked at
the power discharge ray.
SUPERMAN (as Skeletor): It is the greatest cooking utensil in the galaxy! It slices! It dices! And it makes French fries in several different varieties!
BATMAN: And it juliennes and grates every vegetable and grade of cheese known to man! Only $17.95, plus $4.63 for shipping and handling! Order while supplies last!
"Gaze upon my new weapon He-Man, it will be the last
thing you see when I'm done with you and your friend Ninjor." "Oh really
Skull-Face!" said a voice as Skeletor turned around fast. "So, you're here,
ay Ninjor." said Skeletor ready for battle.
"Yeah, now how about you release
my friends a**hole."
BATMAN: You really ought to stop talking to yourself like that, Sonny. People might think you’re even loonier than you already are.
"Hand over your sword and I'll let them go." "How about
you let them go and I won't leave a mark on you, otherwise..." "Otherwise
what? You'll kill me?" "Let's just say that your life is not that important
enough to take." "Oh really, well what about her's." said Skeletor
SUPERMAN: If this was a Chuck Jones cartoon, there’d be a scientific name for this dialogue sequence—Argumentus who- the-hell-knows-who’s talkingus.
pointed his staff towards Natalie and fired a bolt of energy at her.
"AHHH!!!" she screamed as the bolt of energy just missed her.
BATMAN (as Natalie): You b@stard! You could have killed me and spared me the horror of having to marry Ninjor! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
son-of-a-bitch! That's the last straw." Said Ninjor
SUPERMAN: Talking to himself again, as usual.
BATMAN: But he is right, though. This fic is the last straw.
as he leaped off the
ledge and dropped kicked Skeletor in his jaw. Skeletor then countered with a
blast from his Havoc Staff which Ninjor ducked. Skeletor then decided to fire
another bolt at Natalie and this time he hit her in the leg.
SUPERMAN: Shoot her in the head! Shoot her in the head!
BATMAN: Yeah, then Ninjor will be so distraught that he’ll have to kill himself!
BASTARD!!!!!!" yelled Ninjor
SUPERMAN: Oh, my God, he killed Kenny!
as he swung at him, but Skeletor disappeared.
"Next time Ninjor, until then, your love will feel the pain of my virus."
said Skeletor with an evil laugh.
SUPERMAN (as Skeletor): …for the VD clinic did not give me a clean bill of health, and Natalie wanted to sleep with a real man instead of a loser like you. But she did enjoy my company far better than yours, if it makes you feel better.
BATMAN: Just how can he talk after he disappeared, anyway?
"No, baby." said Ninjor as he knelt down
next to Natalie as she lay there in pain.
BATMAN: Because Ninjor was still making her ill with his presence.
"We've got to get her in the castle
to let the Sorceress take a look at her." said He-Man.
BATMAN (as He-Man): She also wants to take a look at me, too. Says something about wanting to make sure my sword is in perfect working order.
SUPERMAN: I think a certain oracle hasn’t been getting any lately.
"Right you get her
inside, I'm going get an old friend for help." said Ninjor
BATMAN: No doubt he’s going to see John T’lustachowski for pointers on how to make his Mary Sues even more annoying.
SUPERMAN: Yeah, that’s the only friend I can imagine this dweeb having.
as he kissed
Natalie on the forehead.
SUPERMAN: Branding her with the mark of evil, which will only fade away once he’s been destroyed at the hands of Abraham Van Helsing and Jonathan Harker.
BATMAN: Wrong bloodsucking fiend.
SUPERMAN: You’re right. Dracula’s much cooler.
"Be careful." she said. "You rest. I love you." "I
love you too."
BATMAN: And even if I understood just who the &*^% was talking here, I still wouldn’t love either of you!
Ninjor raised his sword and teleport back to earth.
BATMAN: Uh…how? With what?
SUPERMAN: Maybe it’s best if we just keep on going….
"Hey Heero, ready to go." said a young man with long, braided hair.
SUPERMAN: Two words for you, Sonny…spell check!
"Heero?" said the man again.
BATMAN: See? Even this guy can’t make heads or tails of this spelling gaff!
SUPERMAN: “Heero Yuy”? Wasn’t that what we had for dinner last night?
BATMAN: You’re thinking of chop suey.
SUPERMAN: Oh. (shrugs) Still, it doesn’t make sense to name a character after something you’d see on the menu at an Asian restaurant.
was hovering over a computer. "As soon
as I get this information on OZ." said Heero.
BATMAN (as Heero): See, I never bothered to read all of L. Frank Baum’s books, so I figured I could just crib some stuff off this website and use it to write my book report. Why put in actual work when you can just snitch it off AOL?
SUPERMAN: You gotta love the Internet.
"Ok then." "Hey Duo, look at
this?" said Heero as he point at the screen. "What on earth?" "Dr. J." said
Heero. "A young man would like to speak with you Gundam Pilots in an hour."
said Dr. J. "Mission excepted." said Heero as usual.
BATMAN (announcer voice): Ladies and gentlemen, the following fan-fic is presented tonight in Confuse-O-Vision!
"Who do you think this
guy is?" said Duo. "I have a feeling of who he is." "Who is it then?" asked
SUPERMAN: He’s a raging egomaniac, a piss-poor writer, a grammar school dropout, a pitiful excuse for a ninja, and an insufferable Mary Sue. But I’m sure you already knew that.
"His name is Ninjor, he helped me out one time out in space.
BATMAN: Just like he miraculously defeated Toutsu and his ninja clan.
He comes from the year 2000 A.D." said Heero as he headed for his mobil suit.
"2000 A.D.? Who is he Heero?" said Duo following him.
SUPERMAN: Like I said, he’s a raging egomaniac, a piss-poor writer, a grammar school dropout, a pitiful excuse for a ninja, and an insufferable Mary Sue. But I’m sure you already knew that.
BATMAN: Apparently he didn’t.
"He will tell you when
we meet him in his Ninja-Zord." said Heero jumping in his mobile suit.
BATMAN: A Ninja-Zord? Geez, what the hell is this, Power Rangers of Grayskull?
SUPERMAN: Don’t give Saban Entertainment any bright ideas.
Ninja-Zord?" said Duo following him.
BATMAN: See? Even Duo thinks this is stupid as $#!+!
"Anybody have an idea to who this guy is?" said Wufei.
BATMAN (losing it): HOW MANY &*^%ING TIMES ARE THEY GOING TO ASK THIS QUESTION?!? WE GOT IT THE FIRST TIME, DAMMIT!!!
SUPERMAN: Uh, Bruce, you might want to start taking some deep breaths….
BATMAN: And what kind of name is “Wufei”? Sounds like a supporting character from Lassie, for God’s sake!
"A man from the
year 2000 A.D." said Quatre. "I haven't heard of him before." said Trowa. "I
have." said Heero as he saw the figure that was huge in size come near them.
"There he is." "Heero, good to see you again." said a voice from inside the
mobile suit that look like a ninja. "The feeling is the same. What help do
you need?" said Heero inside his mobil suit.
BOTH: (numbly staring, their eyes glazed over)
"Skeletor has brung a power
discharge ray up against Castle Grayskull, it looks like it could be OZ's
technology." said Ninjor.
SUPERMAN (as Ninjor): He got it at a discount at Emerald City Electronica. The Wizard gave him a great deal on it.
BATMAN: And the Wicked Witch of the West sold him on a really cool laptop, too.
"Hmm, how do you get there?" asked Trowa. "I have
a portal ready to take us there." "Then let's go, I want to kick some ass."
BATMAN: Good. Start with Ninjor’s.
SUPERMAN: And don’t stop until he’s dead.
They followed Ninjor to through the portal. They arrived in a
workshop for mobile suits outside the royal palace. "Come on, the king will
want to meet my friends." said Ninjor exiting his Ninja-Zord.
BATMAN: Stupid question time…when the hell did he get this “Ninja-Zord”?
"Your Majesty, these are the Gundam pilots from earth." said Ninjor
introducing them. "Welcome to Eternia young warriors, we are honored to have
you here to help." "The pleasure is ours your Majesty." said Quatre. "We are
honored to be defending your world." said Trowa. "I am Heero Yuy." said one
of the young men stepping forward. "I am Trowa Barton." said another. "My
name's Duo Maxwell." "I am Wufei Chang." "And I am Quatre Raberba Winner."
said the final young man.
SUPERMAN: And we don’t give a rat’s @$$ what your names are, because they’re all really stupid.
BATMAN: And we are so annoyed with this fic that we’d like to kill the whole lot of you and end this literary agony.
SUPERMAN: “Literary”? Isn’t that giving Sonny too much credit, Bruce?
"Well, I see Ninjor has picked good people to
help." said King Randor. "Ninjor, will you please take them to their rooms
and see that they are comfortable."
BATMAN: He wants them locked up in torture chambers where they’re all forced to read Sonny’s fics over and over again.
"Yes your Majesty, follow me my friends."
SUPERMAN: Into the bowels of Fan Fiction Purgatory.
Mean while at Snake Mountain. "HAHA!! At last He-Man and that brat
Ninjor will finally be defeated." laughed Skeletor. "Thanks to you Mr. Zechs
"It was no problem." replied Zechs from the corner of the room.
BATMAN: Where Sonny left him after pulling him out of his @$$.
"Yes, will the Gundam's follow?" ask Skeletor. "I hope so. We of the White
Fang want to destroy them and the earth." replied Zechs. "And we will help
you and your organization defeat these so called Gundam's." replied Skeletor.
"I'll go get Eypon warmed up for the battle." said Zechs. "No, rest, you will
need it." said Skeletor. "Very well."
That night, as Sonny laid in his bed, he could not get the thought of
Natalie being hurt.
BATMAN: Well, stupid, you see, if someone hits you, stabs, you, or shoots you, it’s not going feel good. Now can you not get that?
SUPERMAN: And I’d argue you’ve already hurt Natalie by making her your girlfriend. That’s more pain than anyone should suffer.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Sonny hurried up
and put his mask back on. "Who is it?" he said.
SUPERMAN: This is the Mary Sue Police. We have a warrant for your arrest. You will accompany us to headquarters and be placed in a disintegrator for your crimes.
"It's Adora.." replied the
voice. He let her in and then took off his mask.
BATMAN: …causing her dinner to come back up.
"What is it?" he asked
calmly. "You're needed at Grayskull." "Is it Natalie?" "Just go to
Grayskull." said Adora as she walked out the room.
BATMAN: Please tell me this is all part of some conspiracy to kill him off.
SUPERMAN: I wish it was….
Sonny hurried and threw on
his uniform. He then head out to the royal stabiles to fetch a horse.
SUPERMAN: …which will hopefully throw him off and trample him.
BATMAN: Or send him flying into a fence and ending up like Christopher Reeve.
SUPERMAN (eyes glowing violet with heat-vision): Do not besmirch the Great One by associating him with Ninjor.
BATMAN (realizing he went too far): Yessir.
Naturally he choose Stridor, but this time he chose Spirit.
"Spirit, I need
you to take me to Grayskull, something's come up." said Ninjor. "Then get on
my friend." said Spirit
SUPERMAN: OK, if Ninjor’s got Spirit, then how is She-Ra going to get anywhere?
BATMAN: I don’t think Sonny wants us to pay attention to that little plot hole.
At Grayskull, "Sorceress, I am afraid that Sonny won't make in time."
said the weak voice of Natalie, nearing death.
BATMAN (as Natalie): I really want to see the look on his face when I die before his eyes, so I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing he’ll never foul my being in marriage.
"He will, I promise, just hold
on." said the Sorceress holding her pale hand.
SUPERMAN (as Zoar): My God, girl, you look like a white cheese! Don’t you ever tan? Get a sun lamp, for God’s sake!
"Come on Sprit, can't you go
any faster?" said Sonny on Spirit. "We're here." said Spirit. "Sorceress,
open the Jaw-bridge, and hurry." said Sonny as the Jaw-bridge was lowered.
BATMAN: He got from Eternos to the Evergreen Forest in a matter of a few seconds….
SUPERMAN: And they say I’m faster than a speeding bullet…..
Sonny rushed in there to find Natalie near her last berth.
SUPERMAN (as Natalie): Woo! That’s it! I’ve spit out 7 kids in the last five years!
BATMAN: All from artificial insemination, too! So don’t count on getting any nookie, Ninjor!
"Oh no." said
Sonny as he hit his knees. "Isn't there anything you could do Sorceress?"
said Sonny as tears came to his eyes. "I've tried everything, but this spell
is the worse."
BATMAN: No, this fic is the worst. She cured Courtney Cox in the MotU movie, why can’t she do it here?
SUPERMAN: I think we’re about to witness a moment of shameless self-aggrandizement.
"Sonny, hold me, just one last time." said Natalie reaching
out her pale hand.
BATMAN: We already know her hand is pale, stupid! Get on with it!
As Sonny picked her up in his arms, he felt a strange
power flow from body into her's. He looked at his hands, and they were
SUPERMAN (as Sonny): Damn, Mom and Dad were right! I really shouldn’t have stood so close to the microwave all the time!
BATMAN: Hey, now he looks like you from that “Superman In Exile” episode!
SUPERMAN (angry): Do you really want me to beat you to a pulp, Bruce?
BATMAN: Heh…sorry. Don’t know what came over me.
"What in the name of all goodness?" he said as he looked at the
BOTH: Behold the inevitable pretentious and self-righteous line of dialogue!
Then his sword appeared in front of him. He grasped it and put
against Natalie's viral wound that Skeletor left. As he did that, the sword
gave off a white light. When the light faded, the wound was gone.
BATMAN: Too bad Ninjor isn’t….
at Natalie and started to kiss her.
SUPERMAN: …giving her all of his infectious diseases.
"How did you do that." she asked.
SUPERMAN (as Ninjor): Didn’t you know? I’m a Mary Sue! I can do anything and anyone I please!
BATMAN: Uh, excuse me…but if she “asked” something, then where the &*^% is the question mark?
no idea, but let's go home." said Sonny as he carried her out to where Spirit
was standing. He mounted her on and they left to go back to the palace.
BATMAN: And they faded off into the mists of Fan Fiction Hell, never to be seen again. The end.
SUPERMAN: Nice try, but no. There’s still one last chapter to go.
"Are you ready for the fight today Ninjor?" asked Heero getting
SUPERMAN: Uh…what fight?
BATMAN: And with whom?
"Yeah, especially after last night." said Ninjor as he
through away his root beer can.
SUPERMAN: And just how does one “through away” a root beer can?
BATMAN: And how do they get root beer on Eternia?
"Why? Did you and Natalie do something last
night, if you get my drift."
BOTH (nauseated): Eeeuuurrrgh….
BATMAN: Thanks for the mental image, dude. Ick….
said Duo acting like a smart ass.
SUPERMAN: Actually, if you’re palling around with Ninjor, I’d say that makes you more of a dumb@$$, personally.
Maxwell." said Wufei about to punch him in the jaw.
BATMAN: Be sure to punch Ninjor while you’re at it, just for sport.
"Chill you two." said
Ninjor trying to help Heero load the Zero-System into his Ninja-Zord. "Hey Ninjor,
where did you get this 'Ninja-Zord' from?" asked Trowa interested. "From a
group of teenagers I helped out on earth." said Ninjor.
SUPERMAN: That’s it. I’ve had it. I can’t stand all this “I saved every franchise hero’s butt” self-promotion anymore.
BATMAN: I hope the Power Rangers sue his @$$ for defamation of character.
"My goodness, you
sure have helped a lot of people out." said Quatre.
SUPERMAN: Only in his sick, twisted, self-aggrandizing imagination.
"Yes, I have."
BATMAN (as Ninjor) …stroked more than just my ego.
Ninjor finishing off the repairs. "Well, I've helped out a lot in my own way
too. Right Heero?" said Duo gloating. "Hm? Hey Heero, wake up." said the god
of death again.
BATMAN: Uh…who’s the god of death again?
SUPERMAN: Who the hell cares at this point? I just want this horror to end!
"HEERO!!!!" he yelled in his ear. That did it, Heero punch
right in the mouth.
"Shut up Maxwell." said Heero lowering his hand. "Gee,
chill out bro." said Duo as Ninjor busted up laughing. "What the hell is so
funny Ninja-Boy?" said Duo pissed. "Oh, nothing, just the fact that you got
a Unicorn tattoo on your chest." said Ninjor laughing even harder. Then they
all saw it and busted up laughing. "No wonder he never takes off that shirt
in front of us." said Wufei.
SUPERMAN: Do you think there was a point to this whole business?
SUPERMAN: Me neither. It’s just padding for padding’s sake.
They all stopped later on and apologized to Duo.
SUPERMAN: For ever dragging him into this fic.
"Are the repairs done?" asked Skeletor. "Yes, they are all ready, here
are your suits." said Zechs. "They are the Skull-Crusher and the Terrier
Strike." said Zechs pointing at them. They looked just like Skeltor and
Hordak. "Thank you Zechs, now, off to Grayskull with these wepons and the
power discharge ray." said Skeletor.
BATMAN (sputtering): Wha…whe…why…WHAT THE &*^%?!? How the hell did we get to THIS? And what the &*^% was the whole point of that?
SUPERMAN: I think I’d rather not know.
"He-Man, She-Ra, you guys ready to try out your Mobile Suits." said
Ninjor as he and Heero finished the repairs. "Why not." said He-Man going up
to his suit, which looked just like him, including the sword. Same for
BATMAN (sputtering): Wha…whe…why…WHAT THE &*^%?!? This is just like the last passage! What the hell’s going on?
SUPERMAN: Just zone out. It’s the only way you’ll keep your sanity.
"Now they aren't like mine, they are like Heero and them's suits."
SUPERMAN: “Them’s suits”? (groans) Oh, Lord, this is awful….
BATMAN: Just how did this guy pass elementary school English?
"Well, let's see if we can work them." said She-Ra.
SUPERMAN (pimp voice): And if they don’t be makin’ us good bread off all their johns, we’s gonna backhand their ho @$$es!
Ok, you guys
do that, I'm going see Natalie." said Ninjor leaving. As he walked in the
room, he saw Natalie sitting there folding their clothes, after all, they
were sleeping in the room.
BATMAN: Unfortunately for her, this meant having to sleep in the same bed as Ninjor.
He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms
around her and kissed her on the cheek.
SUPERMAN: …his poisonous lips branding her skin, reducing her to toxic waste.
"Hey." she said. "Hey" he replied.
"You off to fight again?" she asked as she just held his arms tight.
BATMAN (as Natalie): Because I don’t want you to come back alive. Especially since you named me your beneficiary in your will.
this time in the Zord." he said as he started to kiss her neck.
SUPERMAN: …looking for a good place to insert his fangs and start sucking her blood.
happens if you don't come back this time?" she said as she started to cry.
BATMAN: …for fear that Ninjor would come back alive and she’s have to marry him after all.
"I don't know then, I guess I'll just watch over you where ever I go if I
die." said Sonny wiping away her tears.
BATMAN (as Ninjor): And that way I’ll still be able to write Mary Sues where you’re my love slave.
"Don't you dare die Sonny Iverson,
you better not die." she said holding him around his waste.
SUPERMAN: Uh…um…okay. Junk is waste, right?
BATMAN: Yeah. So if we follow from that, and “waste” is a technical term for junk, then Natalie is holding Sonny around his… (realizes what it means) …eeeww.
SUPERMAN (disgusted): There’s a mental image I’ll be scrubbing out of the old brain box….
"I won't die." he
said kissing her. "But look got to go kick some ass." said Sonny
SUPERMAN: So beat yourself up and be done with it.
BATMAN: Yeah, pull an Edward Norton/Brad Pitt on yourself and spare us the agony.
leave. "I love you" she said. "I love you too." he said walking out the door.
"Ok , you got it down packed." asked Duo. "Yea, I think we can
maintain them." said He-Man getting his suit ready for battle.
BATMAN: Uh…what are they talking about?
SUPERMAN: I think we’re better off not knowing.
let's go." said Ninjor in his Ninja-Zord. As they took off, Ninjor programed
in the code to start the Zero system.
SUPERMAN: Which arbitrarily numbers comic books zero for no discernible reason other than a cheap sales gimmick.
BATMAN: We at DC are all too familiar with such tactics.
As it kicked in gear, Sonny started to
trip bad. "Heero, how the hell did you master this system?" asked Ninjor.
"Just give it time, you'll get used to it." said Heero as they reached
Grayskull. "Where are they?" asked Duo. "Right behind you." said Zechs.
"S**T!!!!!" said Ninjor as he saw Duo get shot. "Duo!" yelled Quatre.
"Everyone, tag up on someone, I'll get the ray before Skeletor can fire it."
said Ninjor running towards the ray. "Not so fast Ninjor." said Skeletor
taking the control to the ray and firing it right at Ninjor's zord.
"AHHH!!!" yelled Ninjor being hit by the ray.
SUPERMAN: Yes, Sonny, I think you’ve established that Skeletor’s out to use the ray against you.
BATMAN: Repetitive much?
"I'm losing power, only one
thing to do." said Ninjor reactivating the Zero-System.
BATMAN (as Ninjor) I must kill myself and end this horrible fic now before it’s too late.
"Heero, wish me
luck." said Ninjor running that the ray.
SUPERMAN: Exactly how does one “run that the ray”?
He pulled out the massive sword
BATMAN: All you parents out there might want to take the kids out of the room right about now.
sliced the ray in half. As he looked back, Skeletor was about to fire at him.
SUPERMAN: Uh…with what?
It was at this time that the Zero-System really started to kick in, it took
all of Ninjor's fears away
BATMAN: But it didn’t give him any writing talent to compensate.
and he attacked Skeletor harder than ever. Ninjor
then cut open Skeletor suit
BATMAN: Uh…who’s wearing the Skeletor suit he just cut open?
SUPERMAN: I really don’t think we ought to know.
and it exploded right after the Lord of
SUPERMAN: Because he couldn’t take any more of this crappy fic.
At this point, everything was over, all the troops
retreated and everyone else was just fine.
BATMAN: Boy, that was an exciting battle.
SUPERMAN: Yes, too bad Ninjor didn’t bother to describe anything other than his own deeds.
As Ninjor gave Heero back the
Zero-System, the Sorceress appeared in on of Grayskull's windows.
SUPERMAN: “Appeared in on”? Dude, make up your damned mind!
my friends, the day is won." she said.
BATMAN: And the fic is terrible and boring.
"And Ninjor, I have a surprise for
you." she said.
SUPERMAN (as Zoar): Just close your eyes so you won’t see it coming when I Avada Kedavra you.
"Ok," said Ninjor, "What is it?" The Sorceress bathed him in
a white light
BATMAN: Instantly burning him to death.
and he felt his powers leave him.
BATMAN (crestfallen): Damn.
"What is the meaning of this
Sorceress?" he asked confused.
SUPERMAN: Well, you see, this Sorceress is Teela’s mom. Her purpose is to guard Grayskull until it’s Teela’s time to succeed her. Oh, and she has to train up Adam so he can properly function as He-Man.
"You can return home now, after all,
BOTH: Yes, go home! Go home and never return!
is beating for good now,
SUPERMAN: Especially since his satellite TV provider carries all the adult movie channels.
he will know better than to temp Grayskull again."
BATMAN: Uh, excuse me, but how the hell does one “temp” Grayskull?
said the Sorceress. "Thank you Sorceress, but this is my home now." said
Ninjor raising his sword.
SUPERMAN: …preparing to impale himself at long last.
"Very well." said the Sorceress and let the powers
back to him.
BATMAN: “Let the powers back to him”? WTF?
"Alright." said Duo. "Now to see this guy in action." said
SUPERMAN: Uh…for what? Didn’t you already beat the bad guys?
"By the Magic of Grayskull!" said Ninjor when the light hit the sword.
"I Have the Power!" he yelled.
BATMAN (as Ninjor): But I don’t have the writing talent, intelligence, or the common sense!
And as their friend did, He-Man and She-Ra
both took out their swords. "By the Power of Grayskull!" shouted He-Man as
the lighting hit the sword. And then Grasping it in both hands. "I Have the
Power!" he yelled. "For the Honor of Grayskull!" shouted She-Ra as a strange
light came from the jewel of the sword. "I Am She-Ra!" she yelled.
SUPERMAN: Uh…is there a purpose to this whole sequence?
BATMAN: In all likelihood…no.
to be one of the good guys." said Duo.
BATMAN: But it’s bad to be associated with Ninjor.
"Well, we must be going, I'm sure
Zechs will try something while we are here."
SUPERMAN: It’s called seppuku. See, it’s what any honorable character will do to get out of a Mary Sue fic….
"Thank you Heero, and take
care." said Ninjor shaking his hand as they left through the portal and left.
BATMAN: And immediately hit up the liquor store to wash away the pain of this atrocious fic.
Back at the Palace, "Nerves kicking in bad now huh?" asked Adam. "Yea, I
need a drink." said Sonny shaking.
SUPERMAN (as Adam): Here, drink this. It’s a martini glass filled with arsenic…er, I mean, cream soda. Gulp it down, dude, gulp it down. You’ll feel much better afterwards.
BATMAN: So will we, for that matter.
"Relax, this is your big day." said Adam
as the wedding march began to play.
BATMAN: Unfortunately, said march is actually “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”
Out came Natalie looking so beautiful.
SUPERMAN: For a fat ugly cow, that is.
BATMAN: That wedding dress should have come with a warning label—“Contents Under Extreme Pressure.”
she reached the Isle, she looked at Sonny and smiled.
SUPERMAN: But not before she popped out her false teeth.
'That had to have
calmed him down.' thought Adam.
BATMAN: I don’t know, Adam. If I was getting married and the bride turned out to be a Roseanne Barr look-alike with dentures, I think I’d be in a state of full-blown panic.
"The rings please." said the priest.
SUPERMAN (as Gandalf): This is the One Ring. Forged by the dark lord Sauron. It was taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself. He must never find it, Frodo.
BATMAN (as Gollum): It came to me. My own. My precious. They stole it, and we wants it back!
SUPERMAN (as Gandalf): The Black Speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the west! The Ring is altogether evil!
BATMAN (as Bilbo): What business is it of yours what I do with my own things? You want it for yourself!
looked at Adam who handed Sonny the rings.
BATMAN: Does this mean they’ll both fall into darkness and become Nazgul?
SUPERMAN: Mary Sue Nazgul… (shudders) …good God, man, don’t even joke about that $#!+.
"Do you, Dale Frank Iverson,
BATMAN: Wait a damn minute? How the hell do you get “Sonny” out of “Dale”?
BUFFY: Good question. I’ve have to ask Giles sometime.
SUPERMAN: If his real name’s Dale, who’s his brother? Chip?
BATMAN: Don’t bring Disney into this. Their legal department would have a field day with this crap.
this woman as your wife?" "I do."
SUPERMAN: …suck worse than any other Mary Sue in existence.
"Do you Natalie Flores, take this man as
your husband?" "I do."
BATMAN (as Natalie): …wish I could pull a Julia Roberts and leave his @$$ hanging at the altar.
"Then by the power and magic of Grayskull, I now
pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss your bride." said the priest as
Sonny gave Natalie a long, soft kiss. "Let go home." said Sonny as they left
now Mr. and Mrs. Dale F. Iverson.
Both men stagger out of the chamber of horrors, numb with repulsion.
SUPERMAN: God, that was horrible. I couldn’t even think of any good wisecracks half the time!
BATMAN: Me neither. That wasn’t funny-bad, that just plain sucked! Why the hell did we agree to this in the first place?
SUPERMAN: Because nobody else would.
BATMAN: Well, they were obviously smarter than us, weren’t they?
(without warning, Aayla Secura comes running up behind Batman)
AAYLA (furious): Trick me, will you?! (grabs Batman by his leggings and tears off huge handfuls of fabric, leaving Batman with great gaping holes in his stretch-pants) Well, you were right after all, Batman! One of us DID have runs in their tights…and it was YOU!
BATMAN (completely astonished): Holy…! WTF? This isn’t fair!
SUPERMAN (laughing himself silly): Hey, Bruce, feel a draft? (laughs some more)
BATMAN (glaring): Oh, shut up!