The MST of Final Fantasy Tactics: Part 2

Fenrir: We now bring to you our loyal reader, after a long delay, the second instalment of the MST of FFT.

>>Mandalia Plains -- battle

[monsters, a noble, thieves]

Yosho: Would that equate in modern terms to “lawyers, politicians, and both?”

>>[A young noble kneels, wounded, before a band of thieves.]

Karade: *As young noble* Oh, I’ve been so bad, I really need to be punished.

Others: That’s just wrong Karade.

>>THIEF: Still breathing. What'll we do?

Kiyone: *As Ramza* How about you go ahead and kill him. Save us the trouble.

>>THIEF II: Don't be stupid.

Yosho: *As Thief* Me stiopd? That unpossible.

We just need to get the Marquis.

THIEF: Right. Hey, don't blame us. Blame fate.

Yosho: No one ever wants to take the blame for anything in this game, do they?

>>[Ramza and company approach.]

Karade: *As Ramza* Wait! Don’t kill him! We want a piece of him as well.

>>THIEF: Wha? Damn! The Hokuten Knights!

Gohan: Actually, their just cadets. Not knights.

>>DELITA: Death Corps? They attacking someone?

Kiyone: Hooray for bad grammar!

>>RAMZA: Saving him is our priority. Don't disgrace the knights. Saving him comes first!

Yosho: If you have Ramza say “The destruction of the Death Corps is our priority” then all of your characters get plus two to their brave permeant ly. *The others stare at him.* I’m just saying.

>>[battle ensues]

>>[The noble stands]

>>ALGUS: Reinforcements? Thank God!

Karade: *As Delita* Well you see Algus, I can see the future, and you know what that means. I’m going to have to kill you.

Kiyone: That joke is quickly becoming a standby.

Gohan: And it’s really not even that funny.

>>[sparring]

>>[Once the battle ends...]

>>RAMZA: [to Algus] Are you OK?

Yosho: *As Algus* Let’s see, I just got beat up by a large gang of thieves. Do I look okay!?

Karade: Actually your sprite never changes what it looks like to reflect damage, or the fact that you might be wearing different armor, or. . .

>>ALGUS: Barely... But the Marquis...

>>RAMZA: Marquis? You mean Marquis Elmdor?

Karade: No Marquis Elmo.

Kiyone: Could we please leave him out of this?

>>ALGUS: Yeah. Who're you?

>>RAMZA: We're military cadets. I think we can help. Tell us more.

Yosho: Yeah, I’m sure a bunch of cadets are going to beat the Death Corps when all of the Hokuten couldn’t.

Kiyone: Well this group of cadets has the main character in it so I am guessing that is exactly what they are going to do.

Karade: Did you fail RPG Cliches 101 as well Yosho?

>>ALGUS: I'm Algus... of the Limberry Aegis Knights...

Karade: That’s nice. Now to you have any valuables you could give us in exchange for saving your life?

>>DELITA: A knight..?

Yosho: *As Algus* Did I stutter?

>>ALGUS: ...I mean, a cadet... like you all.

>>RAMZA: I'm Ramza Beoulve. This is Delita, a good friend.

Karade: Yes, a verrrry good friend if you get what I’m saying.

>>[Delita nods.]

Karade: *Bursts out laughing* I guess I was right.

>>ALGUS: Beoulve...? ...of the Hokuten? Excellent! How lucky I am!

>>RAMZA: ???

Kiyone: Hey Yosho, ???

Yosho: Well, !!!

Gohan: This is fun! ;;;

>>[Algus grabs Ramza's hands.]

Karade: *As Delita slaps Algus* Stay away from my man!

>>ALGUS: I beg you, please help me save the Marquis!

DELITA: What are you talking about?

Yosho: Yes! Save the Marquis! So he can become a very powerful demon later in the game!

Kiyone: Argh! Again with the plot spoilers! Even doing it as a joke isn’t funny anymore.

Yosho: Oh and like the rest of this crap is funny.

>>ALGUS: The Marquis is still alive! They've kidnapped him! He will be killed, if we don't act fast!

Gohan: If they were going to kill him then why did they kidnap him? Wouldn’t it have been simpler to just kill him on the field of battle?

Kiyone: Not much in this game makes sense. Let it go.

>>I don't know what I would do if... [Algus lets go of Ramza's hands >>momentarily, then grabs them once more.] So, please! Help me! Please!!

Karade: You know the “Algus likes men” jokes are just to easy to do here.

>>DELITA: Relax. We don't know for sure if he'll be killed.

Gohan: See?

>>There must be some reason for Death Corps to take him. They might have >>made some demands.

Karade: *As Death Corps* We want 90,000 Gil, a castle, and the letter K stricken from the language. After all you can’t spell “Hokuten” without a “k.”

>>RAMZA: Besides, there is nothing we can do. The Marquis was kidnapped, and I'm sure by now everyone at Igros Castle is up in arms.

DELITA: First, we should go to Igros and report.

Kiyone: And what a report it’s going to be.

Yosho: *As Ramza* Let’s see. . . We beat up some thieves. We then went and beat up some more thieves and saved Algus, I don’t know why. And then we came back to the castle. Oh and we beat up some thieves along the way. Did I mention that?

>>[Algus releases Ramza's hands.]

ALGUS: All right. Let's do that.

Karade: *As Algus* And some other things as well. *Winks*

>>[fade out]

>>Igros Castle

Gohan: No you gross.

Kiyone: Oh the pain of bad puns.

>>[Dycedarg, Ramza, Delita, Algus]

>>[The four men are sitting at a table, discussing the recent events.]

Yosho: *As Ramza* I’m telling you guys that Chocobo was coming onto me.

Karade: Hey! That’s my line.

>>DYCEDARG: [to Ramza] ...I hear you beat the first troops. I'm proud to be your brother. The senior statesmen spoke highly of you. You are truly descended from Beoulves.

Yosho: So was that the founder of the family I guess?

>>RAMZA: ...Thank you.

>>DYCEDARG: Aren't you happy?

Karade: *As Ramza* No. . . Me and Delita had a fight again. . . Men! *Sigh*

Kiyone: This just gets more and more disturbing.

>>RAMZA: Oh, yes, I am. Thank you for the kind words. ...You might have heard about the enemy attacking Elmdor's carriage and kidnapping him. What would you have us do?

Yosho: Why don’t we let the young children stay here at the castle while the adults go to war.

Karade: Young? Ramza’s sixteen. Lance was out wielding two broadswords at the age of fourteen.

Yosho: Of course no one is going to know who Lance is.

>>DYCEDARG: I've already had Zalbag send out a search party.

Kiyone: Dycedarg is the older brother. Why does he have to go through his younger brother to send out a search party?

>>They'll probably demand ransom... if he's still alive.

[Algus stands up, frantic.]

Karade: *As Algus* But Elmdor has to be alive! I mean who else is going to punish me when I’m a bad little boy if he doesn’t?

Kiyone: Wrong . . . Wrong. . . Wrong.

>>ALGUS: Highness. Please let me have one-hundred soldiers!

DYCEDARG: ...

Yosho: I guess that’s a “no.”

>>ALGUS: I beg you. Let me avenge my comrade's murder!

DYCEDARG: I said it's taken care of. Didn't you hear me?

Gohan: *As Algus* No. . . Because I can’t read!

Kiyone: Ahh, good and obscure enough that no one will know what we’re talking about.

>>Gallione isn't any place for you. Let us handle it.

Yosho: Of course it doesn’t really matter what he says. We all know that the main character of a game and his party always end up saving the day.

>>ALGUS: [alarmed] B..ut!

Gohan: What type of alarm? A fire alarm maybe?

>>DYCEDARG: Think of your rank, Algus!

Karade: Well I know Algus smells and all, but I really don’t see how that’s relevant.

>>Have you forgotten you're just a soldier without rank in Knighthood?

ALGUS: Urrrgh...

Yosho: I guess that’s a “yes.”

>>[Algus sits back down, angry.]

Gohan: Yeah, I mean of course a cadet is going to be allowed to lead a company of knights. That makes sense.

>>DYCEDARG: [to Ramza and Delita] I want you to guard Igros Castle. It shouldn't be so difficult. "Danger" probably won't get this far.

Kiyone: Why is “Danger” in quotation marks?

>>[fade out]

After Departing...

[Ramza, Delita, Algus]

Karade: Doctor, Physician, Ophthalmologist.

Gohan: What the heck is an Ophthalmologist?

Karade: I have no idea. It was just in the thesaurus for “doctor” and it sounds funny.

>>[The boys are

Yosho: back in town.

Kiyone: Oh come on. We all knew that was coming.

>>crossing a lovely setting of canals and waterducts.]

>>ALGUS: ...My family was once respected by the Beoulves.

Karade: But no one else right? No other family understood your fascination with goats.

Kiyone: No! No more bestiality jokes!

>>[turns away] My grandfather was captured during the Fifty Year War... He sold his

Yosho: soul for a one night stand.

Karade: He followed Alice into Wonderland.

>>friends out to the enemy to save himself.

Gohan: Coward! *Rushes forward trying to attack the fic.*

Kiyone: Gohan is just not right in the head is he?

Kiyone: You’re just figuring that out?

>>But, as he left the castle, he got stabbed in the back by a cadet just like myself.

Yosho: You sure it wasn’t you Algus?

>>One of my grandfather's friends managed to escape and spread the story

around.

Karade: And what a friend he was.

>>Of course my father didn't believe it, but everyone else did. They deserted him... [throws a pebble into the water]

Gohan: Hey! Don’t do that! Fruity Pebbles is a great breakfast cereal!

Karade: You’re fruity.

Gohan: Am not!

Karade: Am to!

Yosho: Would you both shut up!

>>Rank... Dycedarg would never meet with someone like me...

Kiyone: Well I agree with Dycedarg. You are a bit of a freak Algus.

Karade: And like he says. Algus smells really bad.

Kiyone: It doesn’t say that.

>>[From behind, a voice echoes.]

Karade: Ramza! Again with the beans!

Kiyone: Ahh, fart jokes. How low we have sunk.

Karade: Bet you I can go lower.

Kiyone: Why do I believe you.

>>VOICE OF A YOUNG GIRL: Delita!

Yosho: So where was the rest of the young girl?

>>[All three boys turn around.]

Karade: All right! Chicks!

>>DELITA: Teta!

RAMZA: Alma, Zalbag!

[Alma waves to the boys, and the three greet them.]

Yosho: *As Alma* Greetings mortals. I am here for your souls.

Kiyone: *Sighs* Well someone just had to do that one didn’t they?

Yosho: ......... yes.

>>ALMA: Brother Ramza. You came back.

Karade: Uhh, he was in Gariland. That’s not very far from Igros.

>>RAMZA: [to Zalbag] Long time no see, brother.

ZALBAG: I heard how you beat the thieves in Gariland. That's worthy of a Beoulve. I'm sure father would've been pleased with you.

Yosho: *As Ramza* Yeah! We beat up some level one and two thieves! We rock!

>>RAMZA: ...Thank you.

ZALBAG: Heh... haven't changed a bit. You don't like that much, eh?

Karade: Don’t like what much?

>>[to Delita] Delita, you look good.

All: *Snicker*

>>I heard about your role, also. Just look how happy Teta is.

Kiyone: *As Teta* That’s right big brother. I was very impressed. *Winks*

Yosho: And the twisted jokes just keep on coming.

>>TETA: Delita, I'm glad you're doing well.

DELITA: And you, also. How is your schooling?

TETA: Fine. Everyone is so nice to me...

Yosho: Maybe it has something to do with your brother coming by the school with his sword and threatening the other students.

>>ZALBAG: I'd like to talk more with you, but I must hunt down some thieves. Pardon me.

Karade: *As Miss “You Know Who”* You know I have just about had it with this constant hatred for thieves these people have. Everyone is against us! All of you people on that side of the law are just going after us because of what we do! It’s not right!

Yosho: That wasn’t even close to being a good impression of “Miss You Know Who” You going to have to curse a lot more to pull that off.

>>RAMZA: I pray for your victory.

Yosho: Let’s see. A bunch of thieves or the Hokuten Knights. Hmm, I wonder.

>>[Zalbag straightens his glove, and turns away, but stops.]

ZALBAG: ...The Death Corps have demanded a ransom.

ALGUS: What!?

Karade: Um, isn’t that the point of most kidnapping cases? Ransom?

>>ZALBAG: [turns around] ...I can't understand it.

All: Neither can we!

Karade: Money good.

>>The Death Corps claims to be anarchists, but they only rob and hurt the nobility.

Yosho: Well maybe their just a bunch of Socialists.

>>It's hard to believe they would kidnap the Marquis just for money.

Kiyone: You need money to fund a war. Where better to get it from than from your enemies.

>>ALGUS: Absurd! Why, they're nothing more than knaves, I say!

Karade: You know, if I had just got my ass kicked by them I think i might be talking like they were really powerful.

>>ZALBAG: The spy we sent still hasn't returned. He's probably in trouble,

Karade: Gee, you think?

>>but the nobles say there's no need to search for his whereabouts.

Yosho: Yeah, I mean who cares about some commoner?

>>RAMZA: Where was he when you last heard from him?

Gohan: In the depths of hell?

>>ZALBAG: A trade city called Dorter, east of Gallionne...

Karade: Hey, didn’t Puff the Magic Dragon live by the sea of Gallionne?

Yosho: Um, no.

Kiyone: Our dear little drug addled friend always loved that song for some reason. I don’t know why.

>>...Guarding a castle is boring work. Don't you think?

Yosho: Did he just not so subtlety hint that Ramza and co. should go after the thieves?

>>[exit Zalbag]

[Algus moves to the side.]

Kiyone: Huh? The side of what?

>>DELITA: Teta, I'm sorry. We must go.

Gohan: *Singing* That’s right Teta! Cause, we’re off to see the thieves, the wonderful thieves of Dorter.

>>TETA: [shakes head]

Karade: *Is also shaking his head. At Gohan’s song that is.*

>>Don't worry about me. Just take care of yourself.

[The two embrace.]

Karade: All right! Some hot brother on sister action!

Others: *Back away.*

Kiyone: You really disturb me more than the fics sometimes Karade.

>>DELITA: Don't worry. I'll come back safely... so be a good girl. [moves up the bridge] Well then. Let's go, Algus.

[exit Delita, Algus, Teta]

Yosho: Uh, what about Ramza?

Karade: He’s sticking around to have some quality time with his sister.

Kiyone: Would you stop with the incest jokes!

Karade: Can I do bestiality jokes then?

Kiyone: No.

Karade: Ahh, you’re no fun.

>>ALMA: What Teta said is not true. Actually...

Gohan: And what was the last thing Teta said.

Yosho: *Scrolls up a few pages.* That everyone was nice to her.

Gohan: Oh, thanks.

>>RAMZA: Something wrong with Teta?

Kiyone: Well she did have those leprosy scars, but other than that she looked fine.

>>ALMA: She has been picked on at school because of her rank.

Karade: Insert a “Teta smells bad” joke right here please.

>>RAMZA: ...

All: .... to you as well Ramza.

>>ALMA: Sorry... I shouldn't have worried you like that. Teta will be OK. I'll be there for her. Trust me.

Karade: *Bursts out laughing.* Yeah, Alma will be there to take good care of Teta.

>>RAMZA: I'm not worried. But don't you overdo it.

ALMA: You're the one going too far to meet their expectations. Just be yourself and don't be restricted by your name.

Kiyone: Is it just me or do these people change the subject randomly?

Karade: It’s just you. Did you see that goat? What time is it? I like shiny things.

>>RAMZA: You sound like our mother. [laughs a bit]

[exit Ramza]

ALMA: Ramza...

Gohan: *As Ramza* Huh?

Kiyone: *As Alma* Oh, uh, you were supposed to be gone. I was just saying your name for dramatic effect.

>>[fade out]

>>Sweegy Woods -- battle

Fenrir: Ahhh! It’s the Ms. Sweeny woods!

All: ????

Fenrir: Oh sorry. Miss Sweeny was a seventy some year old substitute teacher. One of the most cruel and mean persons that I have ever had the displeasure of meeting

>>[Algus, Delita, Ramza, etc., monsters]

>>[The boys come to a swampy area, with monsters ready to attack.]

Yosho: Why does the road between two major cities pass through a swamp?

Kiyone: So they can have a different battlefield than the plains. I mean really. Didn’t you realize the world was created to give a variety of different places to fight?

>>ALGUS: What rotten luck. Meeting monsters in a place like this.

DELITA: Don't gripe, Algus. It's better than guarding a castle.

>>ALGUS: This is a matter of life and death. How can you say that?

Yosho: I hate to say this, but Algus is right.

Karade: Ah, come on guys. Look at these monsters. I don’t think they have much of a chance to kill our heroes.

>>[The monsters approach.]

RAMZA: Enough! Here they come!!

Karade: Insert random perverted joke here.

Kiyone: My, someone sure is getting lazy anymore.

>>[battle ensues]

[After the enemies are defeated...]

RAMZA: Just through this forest, and we're almost to Dorter.

Yosho: Look! It’s the correct word used in that sentence.

Kiyone: I just love it when a story can spell. And while this one isn’t perfect threw and threw, it is better than a lot of the things that we have read.

Yosho: Of course I guess we are going to have to quit doing jokes like this once the peace treaty is ratified. So let’s get them all in now. What there isn’t a treaty?

>>Slums in Dorter -- battle

[two strange men]

Karade: Let’s see, two men together in a back alley. They are described as “strange.” I think we all see where this is going.

>>[The area is rugged; trashy. The two men obviously have a score to settle.]

Kiyone: *As man* I say the ball was in bounds!

>>FENCER: ....I said I don't know!

Gohan: . . . where you put the hamster.

Kiyone and Yosho: Gohan? That’s uh. . .

Karade: *Wipes a tear from his eye* They learn so fast these days.

>>[The fencer attempts to walk away, but the other man follows him.]

KNIGHT: Don't lie to me! I know what you did! Where is Gustav? Where!?

Yosho: Well you see you go on up past Dorter, hang a left at the huge volcano in the middle of the continent which must mean this land has some weird plate tectonics. I mean just one lone mountain, all by itself?

>>[The fencer backs away, and lowers his head.]

FENCER: I... don't know...

Kiyone: Why do people always do that during interrogations? I’ve never had a suspect say “I don’t know.” And then I say. “Oh, well you couldn’t be lying so you can go ahead and leave now.”

>>KNIGHT: Where is the Marquis? [advances quickly] Where are you hiding him? Speak!!

Gohan: Well you see the Marquis is really an intergalactic alien who came from space to turn all of humanity into ice cream. Oops. Guess I’m not supposed to give out plot spoilers.

Kiyone: But that’s not even true! You’re giving out fake spoilers!

Yosho: Well doesn’t that mean they aren’t spoilers? That he is just rambling on pointlessly?

>>The knight takes the fencer by the

Karade: Take him by the hand.

Yosho: Make him understand.

Kiyone: The world on you depends.

>>throat, but the fencer manages to break loose, and makes an attempt to escape. However, he trips, stumbles, and falls by a puddle of water.

Kiyone: Reminds me of a certain partner of mine.

>>The knight draws his sword and holds it to the fencer's throat.] This is your last chance... Where is he?

Karade: *As Fencer* You’re going to be pissed. But we kind of already killed him.

>>FENCER: D... desert...

Yosho: N . . . Now, was t . . .that so h . . .hard?

>>[The knight pulls back his sword, and tucks it away in his holster.]

All: *Sigh*

Yosho: I believe that the word you are looking for is “scabbard.” Guns are what go into holsters.

>>KNIGHT: I see... In "Rat Cellar"...

[Ramza's voice echoes from behind.]

Karade: *As Delita* Damn Ramza–

Kiyone: Would you shut up! That’s like the fourth time you’ve used that joke.

>>RAMZA: Wait!!

Karade: See, he want’s me to make the joke.

>>KNIGHT: Damn, the Hokuten.

[exit the knight]

Gohan: Okay hold on. If that knight wasn’t with the Hokuten, and wasn’t with the Death Corps. Then who the hell is he with?

Yosho: Some mysterious third party that is in reality the real enemy?

Kiyone: Maybe Yosho, maybe.

>>[enter

Karade: Enter night

Yosho: Take my hand

Gohan: Off to never never land

Fenrir: You all did not just sing a Metallica song. . .

Kiyone: Yeah, but we got it off Napster.

Fenrir: Oh, well then it’s okay.

>>Ramza, Algus, Delita, and company]

ALGUS: Looks like our trip here was well worth it.

DELITA: I've seen him somewhere...

Karade: Was he a customer down at the club that you strip at Delita?

>>RAMZA: Do you know him, Delita?

Yosho: *As Delita* If you mean in the Biblical sense, then yes. If you mean as to be familiar with him. Well yes on that also.

Kiyone: We really need some new material.

>>DELITA: I saw him at the end of the Fifty Year War in Igros...

Gohan: *As Delita* How could I forget? He was the one dancing on the roof at the party after the war.

>>[Noise is heard in the distance. Knights and mages approach.]

RAMZA: I guess we must fight. Eaaagggghh!!

Kiyone: Can we get some better battle cries over here?

>>[battle ensues]

DELITA: Now I remember! His name is Wiegraf. Leader of a voluteer army, a corps of Death Knights.

ALGUS: What? ...You mean he's the...?

DELITA: Yes... The leader of the Death Corps.

Karade: So who is Wiegraf?

Yosho: I think he is the leader of the Death Corps.

Gohan: The leader of the Death Corps. You say?

Kiyone: Yes Wiegraf is the leader of the Death Corps.

>>[sparring]

[The battle ends.]

Fenrir: End of part 2 as well.