*Karade, Lyn and Shibby walk into the theater.*
Karade: So what horrible thing do you have for us today Fenrir?
Fenrir: It's a Final Fantasy Seven lemon.
Lyn: *blandly* Joy.
Shibby: (disturbingly enthusiastic) YAY!
>Sephiroth, Meteor, Holy, Then ...
Karade: Some more crap.
Shibby: And stuff happened. It was bad.
Lyn: What kind of name is that?
Karade: *types for a few minutes* Viruses away.
Shibby: *thwacks Karade* No! That's what got us in trouble the last time!
Karade: This story sucks, blah, blah, blah.
>This is a lemon fanfic.
Lyn: *blandly again* Yay.
>It contains profanity,
Karade: Ah, fudge.
Shibby: Fuck you, buddy!
Lyn: Yeah, we kind of got that from the lemon part.
Shibby: Yay! Bad porn! ...Oh god, make it stop. -_-
>and other things that could offend a person of a soft
Lyn: I'm offended already.
Shibby: A Downy Soft nature?
>If you would like to read it
Karade: I would not.
>and are over the age of 18
Lyn: I'm only six months old. Can I leave?
>please continue. If you do not fulfill any of
those requirements, then get the hell out of here now.
Karade: What if we fill some of those requirements, but not others?
Lyn: Quit asking questions.
>Losers you won't read this anyway.
Karade: Why is he calling his readers losers?
Lyn: Who knows. And if only we were losers. Then we wouldn't
have to sit through this crap.
Karade: Ah, the curse of being cool.
>Have fun with it,
Karade: I think that's an invention to MST it. Don't you guys?
Shibby: Ew, I sure hope so...
>distribute with discretion, and E-mail me with comments.
Karade: Or viruses, either one. Right?
Shibby: No! *looks around, paranoid* I don't want anyone hunting me down...
>Oh yeah this is part two of "Their First Time"
Lyn: So there was more crap before this? Good thing we got out of having
to read that.
Karade: Quiet. You'll give them ideas.
Shibby: (a la Homer) Shuuut uuup....
>The sun glinted off the twisted mass of metal
Lyn: They had all died in a horrible car wreck. The end.
Karade: Or not.
>that lay on the Midgar planes.
Karade: Planes? So did ShinRa build a copy of the Tiny Bronco?
Lyn: Or did the author mean "plains"?
Shibby: Nah, they're just chillin' on some Midgar planes.
>A soft wind blew, swirling dust and filth around.
Suddenly an arm pokes through the debris.
Lyn: Such odd punctuation.
Shibby: I'd be more worried about that mystery arm if I were you....
>Cloud Strife pulled himself out of the wrekage
Karade: Out of the what?
>of what had been the Highwind and looked around.
Lyn: *sighs* If there's one thing I hate, it's rapid tense switching action.
Shibby: But it's FUN FUN FUN!
Lyn: No! It's DUMB DUMB DUMB!
>He could not see anything, but metal and broken glass
all around him. It was terrible.
Karade: Just like the story? No, wait. That's too easy.
Shibby: Oh no it's not...
>For a minute he didn't uunderstand
Karade: Well I don't uuuunderstand this story.
Lyn: Now, now. It's not right to make fun of someone just because they
Karade: Maybe not, but it's funny.
>what had hapened,
Lyn: *quickly* Left out a ‘p'.
Shibby: No, it's a new word! It's the language of lemons!
Karade: Ah, lemons. They add more words to the 'engrish' language
than anything else.
>then when he remembered about Holy and Sephiroth and
everything that had happened he wondered for a moment if he was
the last remaining person on the planet.
Karade: Damn, what a run on sentence.
Shibby: Yes, everyone else was dead. No lemon. The end.
>"TIFA!!!" he immediately thought.
Lyn: Do you scream in your mind?
Karade: Only when Fenrir won't feed us.
>Cloud bent over
>the pile of twisted and charred metal he had just
emerged from and began digging through it...
Lyn: At least he wasn't digging "threw" it.
Karade: And how many people are going to get that joke?
Lyn: That just makes it better.
>Two weeks later Cloud, Tifa, and everyone else lay
recovering in Cosmo Canyon.
Shibby: Damn! It took him two weeks to dig through that?
>It had taken Cloud the better part of two days to
find all of his companions in the wreckage of the Highwind.
Shibby: Well. Never mind then.
Karade: During that time he didn't eat or sleep.
Lyn: That's not even a joke.
Karade: Eh, what are you going to do.
>Luckily, not long after he started looking he came
>who was just recovering from the crash. With
his help, and determination to say the least, they had rescued
everyone from the rubble.
Lyn: Damn this is boring.
Shibby: Are we allowed to smoke in the theater?
>Tifa was ok,
Karade: Gee, what a surprise.
Shibby: I really don't care.
>just a few nicks and bruises, but Cloud had suffered
from a massive blow
>to the head
Shibby: O_o;;; ...it really does sound like he...*trails off*
>and had collapsed as sooon
Karade: Again with the stuttering? And what did they do theeeeen?
Shibby: Stuuuuuuuuff. Lots of boooooring stuuuuuuff.
>as the party started towards Kalm,
Shibby: Woooo! Paaaar-tay!
>which somehow magically had been spared destruction
( metal from what had been Midgar lay all around the town).
Lyn: Random plot device?
Karade: Who knows, or cares.
Shibby: I'm with thief-boy on that.
>Barret and Cid managed to drag Cloud to the inn in
Kalm, and once he had recovered
sufficiently, they all proceeded to Cosmo Canyon.
Lyn: Okay, so Cloud was the first one up and then he magically remembers
that he had a head wound?
Shibby: Well, he IS blond...
>Although they had been strengthened somewhat, they
probably wouldn't have made
the long journey
Karade: So you don't think a level 60 something party could make it, even
half wounded, to Cosmo Canyon?
>if it wasn't for some help from whjat
Karade: Whjat a strange word that is.
Lyn: Whjat you talking about Karade? Oh, yeah.
>would be new friends. At the port in Junon,
Lyn: *sigh* Please, just stick with "party."
Karade: So what about Gambit? Does he also enter?
>had stumbled across Reno, Rude, and Elena.
Karade: They had just been lying in the street.
>Expecting an attack fo
Lyn: Is that a Mr. T tribute?
Karade: I pity the foo.
Shibby: Mister T!! Yay!
>some sorts they were surprised, and one was jealous,
when Elena grabbed Cloud in a tight embrace and shouted "I'm
glad you guys are safe!!!!!".
Karade: And just to make sure we get that she was excited the author adds
a few dozen exclamation points.
Shibby: Ow, my freakin' ears!
>It turned out that the Turks had been waiting for
a week and a half at Junon for Cloud and his team to help them out
with rebuilding the world.
Lyn: I think that island went over there on the right.
Shibby: That's one huge job...
>Cloud lay in his bed, happy with the whole situation.
Karade: Yeah, most of the world gets destroyed, I'd be happy with that situation.
>In a little while Cloud and Tifa would travel across
the sea into Costa Del Sol, where
Lyn: Some more boring crap will happen?
Karade: That would be my guess.
Shibby: AHHH!! This fic SUCKS!
>they would stay at THEIR Villa for a while.
Lyn: Is that a new hotel? Or was the author just trying to make sure
we knew you could buy that house in the town?
Shibby: Whoa, a realestate agent for Costa Del Sol is advertising in a lemon!
>after that Cloud would go around, with Reno and attempt
Shibby: Gil by pimping Reno out?
>all of the towns to join in allegance
Karade: Hmm? "Allegance"? Don't these people have a spell checker?
Lyn: I think the answer to that is quite clear.
Shibby: Is that anything like elegance?
>with him in an attempt to form a nation of sorts.
Karade: So Cloud wants to be emperor of the world now huh?
>But as for right now he simply lay in his room in
Lyn: If only he could have stayed that way.
>Footsteps echoed on the stone outside in the hallway,
and a voice came through the curtain to his room;
Karade: Ahhhh! It's a ghost!
>" I hope your undressing
Lyn: Is he anti ranch? Or maybe anti thousand island.
Karade: I'm hoping for anti french myself.
>Cloud, cuz I'm cumming in."
Karade: That's about the dumbest thing I've heard in a fanfic....this month
Shibby: Let the bad porn begin!
>Tifa strolled into the room seconds later wearing
her customary tight t-shirt andlittle
Lyn: Yes, yes. We all know Tifa dresses like a hooker. No reason
to go over it again.
Shibby: It's fanservice. -_- Get used to it...
Lyn: Aye, it's not going to end anytime soon. But what the hell
is 'andlittle'? Is that the brand name of the t-shirt?
Cloud felt all of the blood rush somewhere immediately,
Lyn: *innocently* Gee, and where might that be?
Shibby: It's that head wound... he's bleeding to death.
>and it didn't go unnoticed. "Hey Cloud!" Tifa
teased, "if I didn't know you loved me I'd think you were just some
guy who was going to go into the bathroom to relieve pressure as soon
as I left."
Karade: I really didn't need to hear that.
Shibby: *sputters* What--but--the HELL?? Who SAYS that!?
>Cloud grinned up at her from his bed and retorted
Lyn: I thought he was talking to Tifa?
>think your effecting me, see the truth is I really
have to pee bad and..."
Karade: What the hell is this!? I mean....really!
Shibby: ...It's hit a new low.
>He duck quickly as Tifa threw a pillow at him.
Lyn: Too bad the pillow had a grenade in it. They all died.
Karade: In this story it wouldn't surprise me.
>She ran up to the bed and started playfully tapping
him on the head and shoulders.
Karade: The hell? That's....odd.
Shibby: She's checking for hollow spots? Maybe seeing if he's ripe?
>Cloud reached out and grabbed one of her
Lyn: No, no, no!
>pulling her down on top of him. Tifa smiled
and kissed him softly on each cheek
Lyn: *cough* I think they were talking about his face.
Shibby: I HOPE they are.
>and then on the nose. She finally wrapped him
up in a big bear hug.
Karade: Cloud passed out from the pain.
>"This is heaven honey" Cloud whispered in Tifa's ear"
Lyn: I thought they were in Costa del Sol?
Karade: I think they're in Cosmo Canyon.
Lyn: Ah, they keep teleporting around so much...
Shibby: Mmmmm.... honey....
>They cuddled for a while before falling asleep in
each others arms.
Karade: If only it could end that way.
>A few hours later something woke Cloud up. He
looked up and saw Tifa's brown hair moving up and down over his
Lyn: *blinks* But Cloud uses a sword! Not arrows! Clearly someone
who has never played the game.
Shibby: SHAFT! He's one bad mutha--ah, you know the drill.
>After a few more sucks and licks with her mouth,
Lyn: As opposed to what?
Karade: Best not to ask.
Shibby: How many licks does it take to get to the center of Cloud's--no.
I will show some self restraint. I won't lower myself to that level
of... ahhh! *sob*
Lyn: Well none really. Just bite down.
>Cloud felt his dick enlarge in her mouth.
Karade: Thus killing Tifa. Can we go now? No?
Shibby: O_o What a way to go...
Lyn: *melting* What a world! What a world!
>Tifa, eagerly wanting his load, milked him
Shibby: (Ned Flanders) I hate to be a needy Neddy, but.... miiiiilk meeeee!
>faster and harder with her mouth. As Cloud burst
Karade: Into tiny pieces. The End!
Lyn: Enough! We get the idea Karade.
>he saw stars and then felt Tifa sucking him dry.
"What was that for" he asked locking
Shibby: Her up and throwing away the key?
>his sea green eys
Karade: Must be some new kind of weapon. Tifa had better run!
Shibby: No! If she stays, he can kill her and the story will end! ...That,
or it'll enter the strange and disturbing realms of necrophelia...
Karade: Mmmm... Ain't nothing like cracking open a cold one.
>on her hazel ones. " I love you" Tifa said to
him and reached up and kissed him long and hard on the mouth. Their
Lyn: Well I don't know what ‘tonuges' are, but a least they're happy.
Shibby: They can dance, too!
>as they explored each others mouths.
Shibby: Going where no man had gone before...
>After a while Tifa broke away and told Cloud that
she woke up, he was hard, and she was horny.
Karade: *smacks head*
Lyn: That about sums it up.
Shibby: The premisis of 90% of all pornos?
>She had wanted to let him release some of the juice
he had been saving for her since that magical evening now three
Shibby: He was SAVING it?? O_o In little cups or something?
>They hadn't been alone together, and Cloud hadn't
been alone really at all,
Karade: So Cloud has been going to the bathroom in groups for three weeks?
Why does that not surprise me in this story?
>the healing, then the planning. Tifa had been
able to get some free time, and she used her fingers to let herself
down a little bit,
Lyn: Gee, thanks for sharing.
Shibby: More than I need to know!
>but poor Cloud. She asked him what was going
to happen. Cloud explained how they would go to their new home, the
Villa in Costa Del Sol,
Shibby: THEIR Villa.
>and stay their for a time
Shibby: Stay their what??
>before he had to try and unite the world so no one
would ever abuse the planed again.
Karade: How is someone going to abuse the "planed"? Planing is a act.
You can't really abuse an act really.
Lyn: Either that or the author meant ‘planet'.
Karade: True, and what's up with this whole, "unite the planet" thing anyway?
Shibby: Who cares!? I call for intermission!!