INT. CASTLE GRAYSKULL ENTERTAINMENT CENTER
He-Man escorts a quartet of off-worlders into the room. Specifically, this is a group of Middle-Earth folk: King Aragorn, his elf-wife Arwen, the elf archer Legolas, and the blustering dwarf Gimli.
HE-MAN: Have a seat, y’all. Make yourselves comfortable. The Sorceress already has some snacks on the table for you.
ARAGORN (extremely tense): I’m not real sure about this, Adam. I’ve read my share of bad fan fiction, and I don’t know if I’m up to mocking one of them. My threshold for pain in entertainment isn’t very high.
GIMLI: Stop whining, man! First you’re too chicken to take your rightful place as king, now you’re too chicken to mock a bad story? Get a backbone already!
ARWEN: Yes, my love, you cannot ignore your destiny. It is your fate to be the king of men, just as it is your fate to take cheap shots at bad fan-fics.
LEGOLAS (twitchy): Uh…He-Man…just what kind of story are we going to be subjected to?
HE-MAN: It’s a “Mary Sue.”
LEGOLAS (terrified): Ai Iluvatar! Please, no! I’ve been getting chased by Mary Sues for the last two years now! Everywhere I go, they’re stalking me and trying to seduce me! I can’t handle another one trying to win me over! (leaps into Aragorn’s arms) Save me, brother! Save me!!!
HE-MAN: Relax, Legolas, it’s not about you.
ARAGORN (in a panic, dropping Legolas like a sack of bricks): NO! I can’t take this! I’ve been getting stalked by Mary Sues, too! (leaps into Arwen’s arms) Save me!
ARWEN (very turned on by this): Oooh…you certainly know how to make me feel like a woman, my love….
HE-MAN: It’s not about you, either, Aragorn.
ARAGORN (relieved): It’s not?
ARWEN: Damn. And I was just beginning to enjoy this.
LEGOLAS (getting up and brushing himself off): Thanks a lot, Aragorn. I really needed the whole right side of my body covered in bruises.
GIMLI (rolling his eyes): I swear, between the two of you, I don’t know who’s the bigger loss. If I was the object of women’s lust fantasies, you wouldn’t see me running away screaming like a Ringwraith!
LEGOLAS: Nobody in their right mind wants to score with you, Gimli.
GIMLI (raising his axe): Why, I oughta—
ARWEN: So what are we mocking, He-Man?
HE-MAN: A Masters of the Universe Mary Sue.
ARAGORN: Not Greyskull Tales. PLEASE tell me it’s not Greyskull Tales….
HE-MAN: No, not Greyskull Tales. But it’s just as bad.
LEGOLAS (crestfallen): Well, that sucks! I was looking forward to those hot, steamy love scenes with Sorceress Zoar!
GIMLI: Well, whatever it is, we can take it, He-Man! We are warriors brave! (looks askance at Aragorn and Legolas) Except when it comes to dealing with lovestruck fangirls….
ARAGORN & LEGOLAS: Shut up, Shorty.
HE-MAN: Well, in that case, I’ll leave you to mock away. If you need anything, just scream… (realizes what he just said) …on second thought, don’t. Just ring the service bell. (leaves the room, closing the door behind him)
ARWEN (addressing the men): So, let’s get on with it, shall we?
They all sit down and grab their snacks off the table, and the story begins….
Back to Eternia
ARAGORN: Back to Eternia? Is this an MotU remake of Back to the Future?
LEGOLAS: I don’t know, but I remember Skeletor playing Van Halen and wearing a yellow radiation suit in one of King Krypton’s spoofs. Funny stuff, that.
By: Sonny Iverson (Ninjor)
ARAGORN: Oh, no….
LEGOLAS: Not this guy. PLEASE not this guy….
GIMLI (running toward the door, frantically clawing at it): Help! Help! Let us out! This is cruel and unusual torture! For the love of Aule, let us out of here!
ARWEN (snickering): So much for being “a warrior brave.”
GIMLI (sitting down and glaring at her): Shut up, elf-witch.
The light of the moon shown through the window of Sonny's room as he worked at his
lab-top. It was at least about midnight and he was getting bored reading the files that Heero had
gave him to read.
ARWEN: Somebody’s obviously never heard of the spell-check feature.
His roommate, Duo Maxwell, had agreed with him that it was boring.
GIMLI: What, was he forced to read this fic, too?
had at least eight cups of coffee to keep him awake and they were not working for him.
LEGOLAS (as the cups of coffee): You don’t pay us enough, jerk!
ARAGORN (as the cups of coffee): Yeah, you make us work long hours and we never get vacation time!
ARWEN (as the cups of coffee): And you still haven’t provided us with medical coverage and a retirement plan!
GIMLI (as the cups of coffee): Take this job and shove it! We quit!
chose to be roommates cause they shared almost the same interest.
ARAGORN: Writing bad fan-fics?
LEGOLAS: Using run-on sentences and sloppy paragraphs?
The only bad thing about Duo
was that he didn't know how to shut up.
ARWEN: Hello, pot. This is kettle. You’re black.
"So, how about them Saints?" chimed Sonny trying to
make conversation. "They stink." said Duo. "I heard that Trowa tried out for the 49er's." said
Sonny turning off the lap-top. "That boy has no talent for football and look at him, trying out for
the 49er's." said Duo in a displeasing voice.
LEGOLAS: Oh, the irony of Ninjor ripping on folks for lack of talent….
ARWEN: Hello, pot. This is kettle. You’re still black.
"Yeah, well, that's Trowa for you." said Sonny
grabbing his sword to sharpen it. "Hey, where's Quatre?" said Duo looking around for him.
ARAGORN: Somewhere between Tres and Cinco.
think he went back to his dorm." said Sonny sharpening his sword.
GIMLI: Didn’t he already say he was sharpening his sword?
ARAGORN: Redundancy, thy name is Ninjor.
He had a look on his face that
said that he missed his wife.
GIMLI: Whoa, who knew facial expressions were capable of independent speech?
LEGOLAS: I guess you have to take a lot of hallucinogens to see it.
"Hey, it's ok. You tried to save them, but you are only one person."
said Duo who read Sonny like a book.
ARWEN: And what a boring and vacuous book it is.
"I know. One day Duo, I'm going back to Eternia and I'm
going to find them." "That's the Sonny I know." said Heero ease-dropping.
ARAGORN: There’s that “Heero” again.
LEGOLAS: WTF is “ease-dropping”?
GIMLI: A very comfortable bowel movement?
LEGOLAS: The only bowel movement I see is this fic.
Sonny gave him a
slight glance and then invited him in. "You know something, I say we go back today and find
them, where ever they are." said Heero giving Sonny a reassuring look. "Alright, we'll do it."
said Sonny opening a secret compartment in the closet where he kept his uniform and wrist
communicator. He slipped on his uniform and activated his communicator.
ARWEN: Run-on sentences and more redundancy! Is there anything Ninjor can’t do?
GIMLI: Yeah, write a decent story.
"Ninjor calling the
Palace of Eternos, come in please." "Please state security pass code." came a male voice. "Pass
code, Alfa 4368 Nin." he said waiting for an answer.
ARAGORN: “State security code”? What, did Osama Bin Laden bomb Eternia, too?
ARWEN: I don’t even wanna know.
LEGOLAS: “Alfa”? Does this guy even know what a dictionary is?
"Good to hear your voice again Ninjor."
said a voice, it was Skeletor. "Any luck finding Natalie and the others?" asked Ninjor. "We
haven't found a trace." said Skeletor.
GIMLI: Since when does Skeletor hang out at the Royal Palace? Skeletor, of all people?
HE-MAN (VO, courtesy of an intercom): Ninjor had Skeletor and his gang reform and become good guys in his story “The New Heroes.”
(stunned silence from the Middle-Earthers)
LEGOLAS: Ai Iluvatar…I need a stiff drink….
GIMLI: Make it four, elf. If we all get drunk, it’ll ease the pain.
"Skeletor, I need a portal to the mobile suit hanger, I'm
coming back with the Gundam Pilots." he said walking out to his Ninja-Zord.
GIMLI: Gundam pilots? Ninja-Zord? How old is this guy? This sounds like something 1st graders would cook up in their backyards!
ARWEN: Nice to know he’s dragging three franchises into the muck with this.
ARAGORN: Four, if you count us.
“I'll have it ready
in an hour. Round up the pilots and then contact me with your coordinates. Skeletor out."
As he found all the Gundam Pilots and got them all ready for the trip back to Eternia, a
thought came to his mind, 'What if the others were killed?'. Then he figured that it couldn't
ARAGORN: No, of course that couldn’t happen.
LEGOLAS: Yes, no villain in his right mind would kill the hero’s loved ones out of spite.
ARWEN: Yes, it’s impossible that a villain would take his revenge any way he could.
GIMLI: Can you say, “naïve”?
"Skeletor, I'm transmitting the coordinates through my suits computer, here that are." he
said pressing a button that transmitted their position.
GIMLI: We got it the first time, genius!
LEGOLAS: “Here that are”? (shakes his head) Why do I get the feeling this guy only has maybe two or three teeth?
With in a second, a portal opened and they
went through, coming out in the mobile suit hanger at the palace. They hooped out their suits and
made their way to the palace control room.
ARAGORN: “They hooped out their suits”?
LEGOLAS: Maybe their outfits include hoop skirts.
ARWEN: Or maybe they have hula hoops for their suits! I love hula hoops! I was really good with them as a child! (starts swirling her hips like she’s in a hula hoop)
GIMLI: Cut that out, Arwen. Aragorn’s spending all his time staring at your @$$ and not at the fic.
ARAGORN: And this is a problem?
GIMLI: If elf-boy and I have to suffer, so do you two.
ARWEN (sulking as she sits back down): You spoil all my fun.
ARAGORN (glaring at Gimli): Thanks for cheating me out of my eye candy, *****.
When we reached the room, a palace guard stopped
them. "No body is allowed in here." said the guard.
LEGOLAS: Body? What body?
GIMLI: Mr. Boddy’s body. It’s gone.
LEGOLAS: I thought Wadsworth was Mr. Boddy.
GIMLI: Depends on which ending you saw.
"Boy, don't tell me you don't remember
this?" said Ninjor unsheathing his sword.
LEGOLAS: Eeeewwww! Somebody tell him to zip his pants back up!
"Ninjor?" he said shocked. "Is it really you?" "Yes."
ARWEN: Boy, this guy sure knows how to write a conversation between two people, doesn’t he?
GIMLI: Yes, it’s so clean and coherent.
"Thank the Sorceress, you're back." he said excitedly. "Where is Skeletor?" "I'm here. Come my
friend, we have business at Grayskull." said Skeletor guiding them to Grayskull. By the time they
reached the castle, Ninjor was almost sleep-walking. "Ninjor, is that you?" said Evil-Lyn who
was now helping the Sorceress.
LEGOLAS: Yeah, well, after reading this, I’m almost sleeping, period.
ARAGORN: Oh, my aching head….
ARWEN: Is it the incoherence or the mishandling of Skeletor and company?
GIMLI (dumbfounded): My God, it’s like watching a train wreck….
"Yes, and I brought some friends." he said waiting for the Jaw-
Bridge to lower. As it came down,
LEGOLAS: Uh-huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh. He said, “came.”
GIMLI: Heheheheheheheheheheh. He said, “down.”
ARWEN (smirking): Would you boys like to get a motel room?
LEGOLAS & GIMLI: (glaring at her)
he saw the Sorceress holding two babies. 'Whose children?'
thought Ninjor. "Sorceress, whose children are they??" he asked shocked. "They're your children,
someone brought them back to you and Natalie's room and put them in Adam and Adora's old
cribs." said the Sorceress.
LEGOLAS: Damn. I was hoping they’d be dead.
ARAGORN: This guy breeds… (groans) Humanity is doomed.
"So that means that a portal was open, but who could have opened it
and not stay in this dimension?" said Ninjor shocked. "I did." said a voice. "Orko!" said Ninjor
running up to him and giving him a hug.
ARWEN: Orko, don’t touch him! You don’t know where he’s been!
GIMLI: Too late.
"How's Natalie? Is she safe?" "She's fine, I only had
enough magic to open one portal that only I and someone else could fit through. He-Man said he
would stay and so did Natalie, but she told me to bring your kids, also, Adora is about to give
birth as well, which means we have to hurry up and get them out of there." said Orko.
ARAGORN: You know, that could have been broken up into two or three sentences.
ARWEN: Come, my love—
LEGOLAS: Uh-huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh. You said, “come.”
ARWEN (ignoring him): —surely you’re not questioning his skills in composition and creative writing.
ARAGORN: Damn straight I am.
ARWEN: Good. I’ve seen better writing from pre-schoolers, myself.
say we take the suits and go raid Snake Mountain till we find Hiss and get him to give up the
coordinates to that dimension." said Duo mad that Sonny's wife was still there, after all, he was
at the wedding and she and him became good friends, even though he was messed up out of his
mine from the beer and wine they had.
ARWEN: Well, you would have to be messed up from beer and wine to become Ninjor’s friend.
GIMLI: WTF? How can you be “messed up out of your mine”?
LEGOLAS: Well, you could ask the guys at Moria.
GIMLI: Don’t start with me, elf!
ARAGORN: Say, how the hell did Duo get to Eternia, anyway?
LEGOLAS: I don’t think we were supposed to notice that little plot hole.
"No, that's to obvious, we need to sneak up on him." said
Heero. "Look Mr. Anti-Social..." "You two shut up, we haven't got time for this." said Ninjor
pulling out his sword. "We are going to follow Heero's plan, cause it is the best one."
ARAGORN: Yet another masterfully arranged dialogue sequence.
GIMLI: Yes, Aaron Sorkin will almost certainly be experiencing plenty of sleepless nights.
he said as
he lifted the sword. "Now to business, By the Magic of Grayskull!" he said as a bolt of lighting
struck the tip of his sword. "Oh man, I wish I had that." said Duo. "I Have the Power!" he said as
he brought it down to the usual fighting position.
ARAGORN (stunned): Uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh….
ARWEN (ditto): I…I…I haven’t the words….
LEGOLAS: Ai Iluvatar! WTF was the point of that?! He didn’t transform or anything!
GIMLI: Yeah, he was already Ninjor! What was that all about?
ARAGORN (eyes glazed over): Head…still…spinning….
"Now, let's go back to the Palace and get a
Wind Raider and four Sky Sleds." said Ninjor as they left Grayskull.
LEGOLAS: Yes, a measly five small vehicles is all you need to raid Snake Mountain.
ARAGORN: Yes, a mountain guarded by armies of demons and killer robots. Brilliant strategy, Ninjor. I’d love to see how you’d plan against an invasion of hundreds of thousands of orcs and uruk-hai.
LEGOLAS: Oh, he’d definitely have to splurge on that one. He’d have to get two extra Sky Sleds and a stealth catapult filled with water balloons.
ARAGORN (aghast): There’s another chapter?
ARWEN: Good grief…maybe I should have gone to the Grey Havens after all….
LEGOLAS: Man, this reeks! (sniffs the air) Or maybe it’s just Gimli?
GIMLI (cranky): Excuse me, elf, but it is perfectly natural to have a discharge of gas!
EVERYONE ELSE: Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww.
At Snake Mountain, King Hiss's army was still partying.
ARWEN: You know, some DETAILS would be nice. What exactly does this “partying” entail?
GIMLI: Loud music and kegs of ale?
ARAGORN: Karaoke and bad dancing?
LEGOLAS: Are there any strippers or drunken chicks who’ve whipped off their clothes?
ARWEN (peeved): You’re disgusting.
LEGOLAS: Hey, at this point, the only thing that could redeem this story is gratuitous T & A.
"Hiss, I got to hand it to you, if
you wouldn't have made Ninjor so mad to destroy the dimensional transporter we would not be
ARWEN: But what kind of partying is going on?
LEGOLAS: Bring on the naked chicks! I wanna see naked women!
ARWEN (backhanding him): Shut up, pervert!
All hail the King!
ARAGORN (doing an Elvis impression): Thank you, thank you very much! (stands up and starts singing and doing the Elvis hip-shake) “A little less conversation and a little more action, all this aggravation ain’t satisfactionin’ me—”
ARWEN (extremely horny): Oh, yeah, baby! Shake that @$$! Shake it hard! Oh, yes! Yes! YES!
GIMLI: Aragorn, SIT DOWN! You’re embarrassing us!
ARAGORN (sheepish): Oh, sorry. (sits down)
ARWEN (glaring at Gimli): I hate you.
LEGOLAS: Hey, this reminds me of a really great joke! (pause) Who’s the most popular and beloved rock star in all of Rivendell and Lothlorien?
GIMLI: I give up. Who?
LEGOLAS: Elvish Presley.
(everyone else groans)
All hail Hiss!" shouted Beast-Man. "Thank you Beast-Man.
And now for a new plan, we are going to attack Grayskull tonight." said Hiss as everyone
GIMLI: Yes, that’s such a new plan. I’m sure no one has ever thought of it before.
LEGOLAS: Of course. Except for Skeletor and Hordak, the idea of attacking Castle Grayskull has never been attempted. King Hiss is a genius!
"And now that we don't have to worry about He-Man and his friends, we can easily take
Eternia for ourselves." said Kobra Khan.
ARWEN: That’s because He-Man had the good sense not to appear in this fic.
HE-MAN (VO, courtesy of the intercom): Actually, I got killed off in “The New Heroes.”
ARAGORN (shaking his head): Adam got shunted aside by an ego-crazed upstart? (sighs) Shades of Greyskull Tales….
"Yes Khan, that we shall. Suit up everyone, we've got a
world to take over." said Hiss with great joy.
ALL THE MIDDLE-EARTHERS (singing): Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy joy….
Little did Hiss know, he was about to have company, for on they way to Snake Mountain
was Ninjor and the others.
ARWEN: “For on they way”?
ARAGORN (gangsta rap voice): Ay-yo, wassup, wassup? We be baller blockin’ all over tha place!
LEGOLAS (gangsta rap voice): Yeah, we be big-time Middle-Earth hustlas! We be stompin’ yo’ @$$ if you be gettin’ in our grills!
GIMLI (gangsta rap voice): Step off, bee-yatch, ‘fore I pimp-slap you wit my bling-blings!
ARWEN (gangsta rap voice): Yo, yo, yo, I be a gangsta *****! Deez Miz-iddle-Earth biz-allers, they be on they wiz-ay to miz-ack on all the fiz-ine elf hos!
"Hold fast everyone, this is as far as we can go without being spotted,
now we must go on foot." said Skeletor who knew the path all to well.
ARAGORN: Duh! No ****, Sherlock!
LEGOLAS: Nothing like stating the obvious.
"Good, let's go, quickly."
said Ninjor as he took off running with all his might.
ARWEN: Break a leg, dude. Better yet, break your neck. Then we won’t have to suffer thru another one of these Mary Sues.
When they reached Snake Mountain, they
found no guards at the secret entrance.
GIMLI: He had to make it easy for himself, didn’t he?
ARAGORN: Of course! He’s like John Tyler, he can do anything!
GIMLI: Except possess writing talent.
"Hmm, he hasn't been expecting any attacks since
He-Man and the others have been gone huh?" asked Ninjor. "No, every time I check this area, he
always has guards. He must be attacking somewhere." said Skeletor.
LEGOLAS: And it would never occur to him that someone might attack Snake Mountain while he’s away.
ARWEN: Of course. It would be so foolish to leave some guards behind to keep the place from being firebombed. Leaving it unprotected is just good common sense.
"Grayskull!" said Quatre.
ARAGORN: …as Uno, Dos, Tres, Cinco, Seis, Siete, Ocho, Nieva, and Diez cheered in agreement.
"Quatre, you, Trowa, and Wufei go back to Grayskull and help protect it,
GIMLI: “Wufei”? (long pause) WTF kind of name is “Wufei”?
LEGOLAS (acting like he’s waving a doggie biscuit): Heeeeeeere, Wufei Wufei Wufei! Here, Wufei! Good boy!
Heero, Duo, Skeletor,
and Orko will stay with me to look for the coordinates to the dimension He-Man and the others
are in." said Ninjor as they split up.
HE-MAN (VO, over the intercom): Wait a minute…I’m locked in an alternate dimension? I thought I was killed off! Must’ve not understood it….
ARAGORN: Adam, nobody can understand this guy’s writing.
As they reached the thrown room, Skeletor walked over to
the control panel looking for the button that would open the portal to He-Man and the others.
"Orko, we are going to send you through first so you can tell us if that is the place." said Skeletor
pressing a button that open the portal.
ARWEN: Oh, goody. More redundancy!
"Right, I'll be right back." said Orko going through the
ARWEN: Still more redundancy! Boy, he sure puts a lot of effort into repeating himself over and over again!
GIMLI: And yet none of that effort is put toward making his fics easy to read….
'I hope we find them.' thought Ninjor as he waited for Orko. Suddenly, Orko appeared
with He-Man's sword. "The Sword of Power!
ARAGORN: Yup, that’s its name. Don’t wear it out.
That's the place, let's go." said Skeletor running
through the portal. "You go ahead, I'm going to contact the Sorceress to tell her we found the
portal and to follow me on the communicator." said Ninjor as Heero and Duo went through the
ARWEN: “We found the portal.” “We opened the portal.” “We entered the portal.” (groans) This guy must be suffering from L. Ron Hubbard Disease.
LEGOLAS: Of course! It all makes sense now! “Portal” is the new “leverage”!
ARWEN: Don’t tell John Travolta. He might try to make a movie of this.
GIMLI (shudders): Now there’s a pretty picture.
Meanwhile at Grayskull, "Sire, the army is ready and waiting for your command." said
Kobra Khan to Hiss. "Attack!" yelled Hiss as the attack of Grayskull started.
GIMLI: And now that Ninjor’s beaten the word “portal” into the ground, he’s setting his sights on “attack.”
ARAGORN: At this rate, he’s gonna make everyone sick of the entire English language.
LEGOLAS: They could always adopt Elvish as the new international language!
(everyone else just stares at Legolas like he’s a moron)
"Oh no!" said Evil
Lyn as she ran to the window.
ARWEN: She just realized she’s in a really *****y story.
ARAGORN: Boy, she’s really slow on the uptake.
"Sorceress, tell Ninjor to hurry, we are underattack."
LEGOLAS: But are you under attack?
we're here." said Trowa as he, Quatre, and Wufei fired at the army for their gundams.
GIMLI: I thought they already had their Gundams.
ARWEN: The continuity gaffs in this story alone could fill all the potholes in Michigan’s roads.
we have an advantage." said Evil Lyn firing lighting at the army from Grayskull's window.
LEGOLAS: What good does firing lighting at an army do?
ARAGORN: Bad lighting makes ‘em look ugly, and they’re less likely to get laid.
LEGOLAS: Aren’t these guys ugly enough as it is? I don’t see where lighting is gonna make a difference.
"Whoa, this place looks like earth." said Ninjor walking through the portal. "Yes, it does.
Now to find the others." said Heero as he went ahead of the group.
ARAGORN: You know, it might help if we got an actual description of this place that looks so much like Earth.
ARWEN: Narrative technique is a totally foreign concept to Ninjor, my love.
GIMLI: I thought your love was Aragorn.
ARWEN (fuming): Shut up, dwarf.
"Hey Heero, wait for me."
LEGOLAS (as Duo): I wanna get out of this suck-@$$ fic, too!
"Orko, you go with them, me and Skeletor will look for my wife." said Ninjor.
"Right." said Orko following the others. "Natalie! Baby! Where are you!?" yelled Ninjor looking
in the crumbling buildings.
GIMLI (as Natalie): As far away from you as I can get, you shmuck!
" "Ninjor, wait. I know this place." said Skeletor. "Where are we
then?" said Ninjor. "In the last place you would have expected." said a voice from behind them.
ARAGORN: Yes, a little place called the 9th Circle of Fan Fiction Hell.
"Loin-O?" said Ninjor. "Ninjor, good to see you, they are alright, welcome to Third Earth." said
Loin-O, Lord of the Thundercats.
LEGOLAS (doing a double-take): Loin-O? Who the hell is Loin-O?
ARWEN: Must be the porno version of Lion-O.
GIMLI: Now we’re into ThunderCats porn? Oh, great. Now we’ve got four franchises being debased!
ARAGORN: Five, if you count us.
"Where are they?" asked Skeletor. "Somewhere where you
won't hurt them Skeletor, I remember what you tried to do last time we met." said Lion-O
drawing the Sword of Omens.
ARAGORN: Put that thing back in your pants, kid.
ARWEN: Eeeeeewwwww! Gross! Nasty…hey, wait! Lion-O just showed up!
LEGOLAS: But what happened to Loin-O?
GIMLI: He obviously became the victim of a spell-check.
"Relax Lion-O, he's on our side now." said Ninjor. "Oh."
ARWEN: Yes, the natural reaction to finding out one of your worst enemies has just changed sides is nonchalance.
ARAGORN: And of course you can’t be suspicious of his motives, either.
LEGOLAS: Yes, these guys are such models of strategic planning and good judgment.
Loin-O placing the sword back in the Claw Shield. "Come, they are at Cats Layer." said Loin-O.
GIMLI: I see Loin-O’s back… (pause) …and this time he’d better keep his sword in that shield.
ARAGORN: Loin-O, swords being drawn and put back in their shields, Cats Layer…could there be any more obvious sexual innuendoes?
ARWEN: Yes, this is definitely a porno.
LEGOLAS: Man, I sure hope Cheetara’s at Cats Layer, if you get my drift. (wiggles his eyebrows) Wokka-wokka baum-chicka-baum-baum chicka-wa-wa….
ARWEN (grimacing): Legolas, you’re a freak.
"We'll be right there old friend, first we have to tell the others." said Ninjor activating the
communicator. "Orko, return to where we parted, we've found them." said Ninjor then he
frequencies to tell the Sorceress. "Good, I'll have a portal ready to pick
you up when
contact us again." said the Sorceress.
ARAGORN: And it’ll deposit you in the nearest black hole, where you’ll be squished into nothingness and nobody will suffer from your crappy fan-fics ever again.
Meanwhile, in a dark part of Third Earth, "Hmm, my dark power has told me that more
visitors have come to Third Earth, but these are not looking for the Thundercats, but for their
friends who are being protected by the Thundercats.
GIMLI: Weren’t we just told He-Man and company were being protected by the ThunderCats?
LEGOLAS: I think Ninjor’s assuming his readers are too stupid to remember that little point.
GIMLI: Nothing like projecting one’s own failings onto others….
Wait, I also detect the power of a trator to
me, the great Mumm-Ra. It is Skeletor, and now he works for his enemies.
ARWEN: Yeah, they offered him a better dental plan and paid vacations to Hawaii. That sort of thing will make a bad guy change his tune.
GIMLI: What’s a “trator,” anyway?
This is just perfect,
except for that ninja." said Mumm-Ra, the eternal evil of Third Earth.
ARAGORN (as Mumm-Ra): He writes stupid, self-aggrandizing plots and crappy dialogue, and he couldn’t write a coherent paragraph to save his life. He’s making a fool of me!
As Lion-O led Ninjor, Skeletor, Orko, and the gundam pilots to Cats Layer,
LEGOLAS: …which is the best brothel in the universe!
ARWEN (drawing her sword): Don’t make me chop off your head, Legolas.
GIMLI: Cats Layer? Cats lay who?
ARAGORN: Natalie. Those ain’t Ninjor’s kids.
ARWEN: Oh, so the father’s Loin-O! Well, that all makes perfect sense, then!
Thundercats were tending to the others.
LEGOLAS: Wokka-wokka baum-chicka-baum-baum chicka-wa-wa….
ARWEN (about ready to cave his head in): That’s enough, Legolas!
LEGOLAS (pouting): You’re no fun, Arwen.
"Here we are." said Lion-O as they entered Cats Layer.
GIMLI (wiggling his eyebrows): Gee, I hope it didn’t hurt too badly. And I certainly hope they used proper lubrication—
ARWEN (furious): Don’t you start, too, dwarf!
"Wow, this is huge." said Duo.
ARAGORN: It’s even bigger with Viagra.
"Natalie!" yelled Ninjor. "What the..." said Natalie laying in bed
hearing the voice of her husband.
ARWEN (as Natalie): Oh, hell, no! I didn’t want him to find me! I’m trapped!
ARAGORN (as Natalie): Oh, I hope Loin-O will show up and save me from this twerp!
LEGOLAS (as Natalie): I’ll even take Mumm-Ra over this twit! Please, keep him away from me!
"Natalie!" he yelled again. "It's me, Ninjor, your husband!"
GIMLI (as Natalie): Stay away from me, creep! I have a restraining order!
"Ninjor!" she yelled back running down the hall into his arms as they embraced in each others
arms and started to cry.
ARWEN: She’s crying because he found her.
"Oh baby, I'm glad to see that you are safe." said Sonny removing his
mask to kiss her.
ALL THE MIDDLE-EARTHERS (horrified): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
ARAGORN: Put it back on! Put it back on!
ARWEN: My eyes! My eyes are burning!
LEGOLAS: Ai Varda! He’s like a Gorgon! I feel like I’m being turned stone!
GIMLI: Never before have I seen an uglier sight!
LEGOLAS: Sure you have. You look in the mirror every morning.
GIMLI (glowering): Don’t make me shove my axe up your arse, elf.
"Oh Sonny, I love you." she said kissing him back.
ARAGORN: …trying desperately all the while to keep from barfing.
"Well, if this isn't a sight."
said a strong voice.
LEGOLAS: Yeah, it’s enough to make one want to put one’s eyes out.
"He-Man!" yelled Sonny running to his friend giving him a hug.
HE-MAN (VO, over the intercom): He did NOT just bring me back and hug me….
GIMLI: Afraid so, lad.
HE-MAN (disgusted): Excuse me, I need to go shower in hydrochloric acid. I’ll never feel clean otherwise….
everyone on Eternia?" he asked. "You tell him, Skeletor, I have to business to discuss with my
wife." said Sonny as he walked away from the others.
ARWEN (as Natalie): Yes, we simply must discuss those divorce papers.
ARAGORN (as Natalie): And the kids aren’t yours. They’re Loin-O’s.
"I've missed you these 5 months." she said
LEGOLAS: …trying to slip him the poison pill.
"Well, I know how you felt." he said.
ARAGORN: Well, someone’s out of touch with reality….
"Did Orko bring the children back safely?"
"Yes, they are with the Sorceress." he said kissing her.
LEGOLAS: Nice to know the foxy lady of Grayskull has been reduced to a baby-sitter.
ARAGORN: She’s treated even worse in Greyskull Tales. She’s barefoot, pregnant, weepy, and perpetually horny.
LEGOLAS: The “perpetually horny” part sounds good to me!
ARAGORN: (rolls his eyes)
GIMLI: Oh, Lord, not another one….
LEGOLAS: Hey, look on the bright side. This fic has nowhere to go but up.
ARAGORN: Stop living in a fantasy world, Legolas.
"Is everybody ready to go?" ask Ninjor ready to send the Sorceress the coordinates for the
ARWEN: Are you kidding? The three-bean burritos and Mexican chili gave us all a major case of the poops!
ARAGORN: And don’t even get us started on all the Super Big Gulps we slugged down!
"Yes!" yelled everyone. "Ok, let's go." said Ninjor
ARAGORN: There’s gonna be a run on the bathroom!
as he pressed a button on his
communicator sending the Sorceress the coordinates.
LEGOLAS: Ah, yet another redundancy!
ARWEN: What does it say when the writer has such a short attention span that even he has to endlessly repeat story points to himself?
LEGOLAS: It says we have to read this crap.
But Ninjor, the Eterniains, Heero, Duo, and
the Thundercats weren't the only ones going back to Eternia, but Mumm-Ra was opening a
dimensional gate as well. After opening the gate, Mum-Ra walked through it as Mumm-ra, the
GIMLI: How many spellings are there for “Mumm-Ra”?
ARAGORN: Knowing Ninjor, probably thousands.
When everyone arrived at Grayskull, the saw the battle going on outside.
ARWEN: How the hell does one saw a battle?
ARAGORN: Seems like Ninjor can’t decide if he wants to be a hero or a lumberjack.
you and Duo go back to the palace and get your gundams, we will do what we can." said Ninjor.
GIMLI: But they already had their Gundams in Chapter 2!
LEGOLAS: Dude, don’t confuse Ninjor with your petty concerns like continuity and coherence.
"I think you will need this He-Man." said the Sorceress handing He-Man the Sword of Power.
ARWEN: Who’s the Sorceress handing He-Man the sword?
ARAGORN: Damned if I know. It can’t be Zoar, she’s playing baby-sitter.
LEGOLAS: You mean there’s more than one Sorceress? (doing his best Vinnie Barbarino impression) I’m so confused!
"Alright, let's go Ninjor." said He-Man leading the attack.
"Master, we are now in control being that the gundams can no longer fight." said Beast-
GIMLI: But if they don’t even have their Gundams, how can they no longer fight?
ARWEN: Gimli, Gimli…don’t try to impose plot logic on this story. It’s too far beyond Ninjor’s comprehension.
"Guess again fur-face." said an all to familiar voice. "Oh no, not you." said Hiss in shock.
"Yes Hiss, I'm back." said He-Man attacking him with his sword in hand. "Warriors, to battle."
said Hiss fighting He-Man. "Well, Well, if it isn't old Ninjor the punk, let's see how you fight
now boy." said Jitsu. "Oh come on Jitsu, haven't you learned anything after I beat your punk
friend?" said Ninjor attacking Jitsu with his sword.
ARAGORN: Such an intense, thrilling battle. Ninjor is such a master of staging action.
LEGOLAS: Yes, and the dialogue is so powerful and terse! His ability with words verges on the poetic!
ARAGORN: And if you believe a word of that, then Sauron is really a hot Victoria’s Secret underwear model whose armor masks her shyness around the guys.
The fight went on for hours, it was mobile suit against beam canons and warrior against
GIMLI: What’s a “beam canon”?
LEGOLAS: Maybe it’s the continuity a beam follows when it’s fired.
ARWEN: Don’t tell Ninjor. He’ll find a way to screw that up, too.
"Give it up Hiss, you're not going to win." said He-Man battling a very weak Hiss.
"Never!" yelled Hiss. "Then battle me." said Skeletor who had just got done mopping the floor
with Beast-Man. "You're on." said Hiss charging Skeletor who just simply opened a portal and
sent him back to Snake Mountain along with his warriors. "Quick thinking Skeletor." said Ninjor
out of breath. "Naturally." said Skeletor.
ARWEN (as Skeletor, lisping): …I’m a wuss. I just can’t be bothered to fight. I couldn’t bear to ruin my new manicure in the heat of combat.
ARAGORN (as Skeletor, lisping): Yes, and I’d hate to spoil the bikini wax I got just last Wednesday.
"I think we better get back to the palace and put
everything back in order." said a very happy Adora who had a little girl.
LEGOLAS: Wait a minute. Where the hell did She-Ra come from?
GIMLI: And she brought her newborn daughter with her onto the battlefield?
LEGOLAS: I know someone who’s going to be hearing from Child Protective Services….
"Awe, she looks like her
mother." said Ninjor looking at the adorable girl in Adora's arms.
ARWEN: Hello, Dumbo? You already established she had the baby with her!
"What are you going to name
her?" asked Quatre. "Well, I was thinking of naming her after your female friend Relena,
ARAGORN: Hold on. If his female friend is named Relena Quatre, wouldn’t it follow that they’re related?
ARWEN: Or that they’re married?
LEGOLAS: Or both?
(everyone else stares at Legolas like he’s a moron)
GIMLI: You’re sick, elf. Sick, sick, sick.
At the sound of her name, Heero jumped and thought she was around.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Dammit, I thought I’d gotten far enough away from her to avoid having to pay child support! How the hell did she get her lawyers here on Eternia?
she wasn't at the battle, she's safe in A.C. 198 at the Sanc Kingdom." said a re-a-suring Duo,
who knew that she and Heero had finially faced up and were dating. "Well, as long as she's
safe." said Heero with a smirk.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Yes, safely far enough away that I don’t have to pay up! Let her waste her own money on the brat!
"Heero, I swear ever since you started dating Relena, you've gone
from 'The Perfect Solider' to 'The Perfect Lover', you're worse than me." said Ninjor holding his
wife in his arms.
ARWEN: If he’s a worse lover than you are, maybe his girl should shack up with Loin-O, too.
"So sue me, let's get going." said Heero.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Just don’t sue me as much as Relena is. Her child support demands are too exorbitant for my job as a fry cook at White Castle.
LEGOLAS: White Castle! What you crave!
GIMLI: The only thing I crave is for this @$$-tastic fic to be over .
At Snake Mountain, "If you don't leave here now I will personally send you back to the
desert where you come from." said Hiss to a stranger in his palace. "But I want to help you
destroy He-Man, Ninjor, Skeletor, the Gundam Polits, and the Thundercats." said the stranger.
"No deal Mumm-Ra, if that is your name, the last time I heard you struck a deal, you wounded up
lossing terribly." said Hiss to Mumm-Ra.
GIMLI: OK, I have no idea WTF anyone is saying here.
ARWEN: “Polits?” “Lossing”? “Wounded up”?
LEGOLAS (hillbilly voice): Yep, yep! I done got all wounded up on my last hunting trip! Got mistaken for a deer by my cousin Jethro and shot in the @$$ 5 times! It shore hurt, by cracky!
"Yes, but we are the greatest evil to ever walk the
universe Hiss, it won't fail." said Mumm-Ra. "We'll try it." said Hiss with a evil laugh.
ARWEN (as King Hiss): Yes, we’ll try your spaghetti with spinach sauce and limburger cheese, but we can’t guarantee we’ll like it.
ARAGORN: I can guarantee I won’t like it. Eeeeeewwwww….
"Ah, home sweet home, wouldn't you say so Sonny." said Heero relaxing in the palace
garden. "Yep, I would say so, oh I heard the Sorceress was bringing Relena here, apparently she
was ease dropping and sent Natalie to go get her, being that Relena was one of the brides-maids
at the wedding and her and Natalie are friends, I just hope doesn't mention that time we all went
to the club and I kinda got a little personal with that chick." said Sonny relaxing with a pair of
jeans, a black Adidas shirt, and some sun glasses.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Oh, ****, she’s gonna make me pay up on the child support! What am I gonna do?
LEGOLAS: Shoot yourself. Then you’ll be free of this fic.
"Sonny, you're in trouble." said Duo in a voice
that said haul ass or loose your d***.
ARAGORN: Please choose the latter. Then the world will be spared your foul spawn.
LEGOLAS (whipping out his twin knives): Yes, bedsides, the world can always use a new castrati singer!
GIMLI: He said “loose,” elf. Not “lose.” Totally different meaning there.
ARWEN (nauseous): I swear to God, if he flashes us, I’m gonna scream.
"Oh ****." said Heero as he saw Natalie with Sonny's sword
in her hand and Relena right behind her.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Damn! Now I HAVE TO pay up! And I blew all my money on cheap booze and even cheaper women!
"Omae o korosu Relena." said Sonny.
ARWEN: Uh… (looks at the others) …did anyone else understand that just now?
GIMLI: I haven’t been able to understand half this fic, lady. This is just par for the course.
"What is this I
hear about you sleeping with another woman?" asked Natalie pissed. "Baby, I was drunk, what
do you expect, plus Duo put the pressure on me cause I didn't have a girl that night and that I
look so lonely that he decided to get me laid, ask Heero, he'll tell you the truth." said Sonny who
was trying his best not to hurt Relena.
GIMLI (as Ninjor): Yeah, I cheated on you when I got drunk, what do you expect? It’s nothing to get upset over.
LEGOLAS (as Ninjor): Yeah, just because I slept around and broke your heart is no excuse for you to be mad at me. This happens all the time, so chill.
GIMLI (as Ninjor): Besides, this is MY fic. I’m the star, I can do whatever and whoever I want. You’re just there to spit out babies, so don’t talk back to me.
ARWEN: You know, the scary part is I can actually see him saying that.
"Well, is he telling the truth Heero?" asked Natalie holding
the sword to his neck.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Please behead me! Please! Don’t make me pay Relena’s child support! Torture me, kill me, do anything but let her make me pay up!
"Yes." said Heero as Natalie looked at Sonny and said, "Oh, you owe
Relena an apology, she wasn't the one who told me." she said as she left leaving Relena with
ARAGORN (as Heero): No! No! Now I HAVE to pay that child support! Damn you, Natalie! I’ll get you for this!
"I'm sorry Relena, I wasn't thinking."
ARWEN: We know. This whole fic is proof of that.
"It's ok, at least you do like Heero and never keep
that promise." said Relena starting to kiss Heero.
ARAGORN (as Heero): Crap. Now she’s gonna want me to marry her. It’s not fair! This is even worse than paying child support!
"So, who told her?" asked Sonny. Before
Relena could tell him he heard, "SONNY! GET YOUR CRAZY WIFE AWAY FROM ME!"
LEGOLAS (as Duo): She’s mistaken me for Loin-O and wants me to give her another baby!
"DUO! OMAE O KOROSU!" yelled Natalie chasing after him.
ARAGORN: Oh, joy. More dialogue nobody understands.
GIMLI: Given how bad the English dialogue in this thing is, maybe it’s better this way.
"GEEZ LADY , YOU BEEN
HANGING AROUND HEERO TOO!" yelled Duo as he ran behind Sonny for protection.
ARWEN (as Natalie): Oh, yes, I have. He’s even worse in bed than Ninjor.
you done ran behind the wrong mother f***er to hide behind now Duo Maxwell." said Sonny
grabbing Duo by the throat and picking him up. "Why did you tell me wife that, you said that if I
f***ed that girl that you would keep you mouth shut." said Sonny holding his roommate by the
LEGOLAS: Didn’t he already say he had Duo by the throat?
ARWEN: All hail Captain Redundancy!
GIMLI: Oooh, he’s using the F-word! I guess it’s supposed to make him look tough.
ARAGORN: Yeah, about as tough as a pre-schooler with stomach flu.
"I'm...sorry..." said Duo gasping for air.
ARAGORN (as Duo): …that I ever appeared in this fic.
"Good." and Sonny dropped him flat on his butt.
LEGOLAS: Too bad nobody thought to drop Ninjor.
GIMLI: Preferably into the abyss at Castle Grayskull.
"Well, I should sleep good tonight." said a very tired Relena. "Yea, I'm glad you came to
Eternia." said Heero kissing her on the lips.
GIMLI (as Heero): Yes, especially since I’m in your will, I can kill you, swipe your money, and blow it all on my new mistress.
"How long are we going to be here?" ask Relena.
"Oh I don't know, a couple of years maybe." said Heero.
GIMLI (as Heero): Just long enough to plan your demise and my enrichment.
"Sounds good, cause I quit my job as
Vice-Foreign Minister." "You did what?" "I quit my job." said Relena kissing her boyfriends
ARAGORN (as Heero): But…that…means…you’re dirt poor, just like me! Now I’ll HAVE to marry you and find a real job! This bites!
"Uh, am I inturrupting something." asked Sonny walking in with his party clothes on.
ARWEN: Yeah, you fouled the air just now when you came in.
GIMLI (as Heero): And ruined my plans to kill Relena and take her money.
already went back and got your stuff?" asked Heero. "Yea, I figured I aint going back to earth for
a while. Anyway, we are leaving the kids with the King and Queen and were wondering if yall
wanted to come out with us tonight to the local party club around here?" ask Sonny.
LEGOLAS (hillbilly voice): Why, hell no, boy! Ain’t no way I’m gonna spend time with y’all bad-writin’ Mary Sues! Now git off my property, punk, ‘fore I put some buckshot in your hide!
"Why not, I
need to see more of Eternia." said Relena.
GIMLI (as Heero): Yes, and I’d especially love to show you the abyss at Castle Grayskull. I’m sure you’d like to see it up close and personal.
"Ok, well hurry up and get ready you two love birds."
said Duo behind Sonny.
LEGOLAS (as Duo): Get ready to escape this fic on my command!
"Shut up Duo." said Sonny slapping him.
ARAGORN (gangsta rap voice): You don’t be slappin’ me like dat, hater! Im’a pimp-slap yo’ azz like the *****es you is!
ARWEN: You’re enjoying this far too much, my love.
GIMLI: Yes, especially for someone who didn’t even want to be here. Weren’t you the one whining about not being up to this?
ARAGORN: Bite me, dwarf.
At the club, "Hey Prince Adam, nice to see you here, it's been a while." said the bar
tender. "Yea I know, I was with my cousin's on earth, had a blast." said Adam making up the fib.
LEGOLAS (as Adam): Oh, yeah, I hit all the cathouses and casinos in Vegas and partook in some of the world’s finest Elvis impersonations. Too bad I lost all my money and got a VD in return, though….
"Alright, what you want." yelled the bartender over the load music.
GIMLI (imitating the Mutants from The Dark Knight Returns): Don want score with chicken leg, Rob. He gone billy berserk and don’t shiv. Leader peg Ninjor. You see.
ARAGORN: Whoa, Don has a food fetish?
GIMLI: “Chicken leg” is slang for “girl.”
ARWEN: Oh, so it’s ebonics for morons.
LEGOLAS: And what the hell is “load music”?
ARAGORN: Sounds like music that’s absolute merde.
LEGOLAS: Oh, just like this fic! It all makes sense now!
"What's the hell is this
song?" asked Relena. "It's Dreams by Van Halen. It's a song from the time I come from,
remember?" said Sonny.
LEGOLAS: Yes, you came to Eternia just a day or so ago. This song must really be ancient if it came out the day you arrived.
ARAGORN: Yes, and the interplanetary Fed-Ex must really be good for Eternian radio to get the song so quickly.
"Oh yea." "Hey, I'm going get the D.J. to play something better than
this." said Natalie as she walked over to the D.J. booth.
ARWEN: Yes, get the DJ to play a GOOD fan-fic instead.
"Hey Sonny, was up?" said a very
GIMLI: No, I think he was asleep when he wrote this.
ARAGORN: And drunk.
LEGOLAS: And stoned off his @$$.
"Girl, what the hell are doing here, you better get back to the palace and watch for
Hiss." said Sonny.
ARWEN (talking like a pimp): Yeah, ho, don’t be messin’ wit my game here! Go on back to the corner and get me some mon-ay ‘fore I slap youse all over tha block!
"I know, but I had the night off, so I said f*** it, I'm going get drunk." said
LEGOLAS (as Teela): …because I can’t stand the pain of this fic any more than the rest of you guys.
"Hey let's dance baby." said Natalie taking Sonny as their song came on, it was "Forever."
by Westlife. "Oh Heero, this is my favorite song, let's dance." said Relena as she pulled Heero on
the dance floor.
GIMLI (as Heero): Oh, good, a moment of quiet to plan your death, my dear. Then your fortune will be mine to do with as I please.
After the song, they went back to the bar and finished their drinks.
ARWEN: Such a romantic and tender song-and-dance sequence.
LEGOLAS: Yes, Busby Berkeley must surely be sweating bullets in his grave.
They got back
to the palace at about 1:00A.M. and went straight to sleep.
ARAGORN: And then the Nazgul showed up and stabbed them all to death while they were sleeping. The end.
ARWEN: We should be so lucky.
The next morning, "Oh f*** my head." said Relena waking up with a headache.
LEGOLAS: The crappiness of this fic finally caught up with her.
what you mean." said Natalie.
ARWEN (as Natalie): I think this fic sucks, too. Especially since I’m married to that creep.
They were on the balcony in Sonny's and Natalie's room. "He's
still sleeping, got damn." said Relena looking at Sonny's sleeping form.
ARAGORN: Well, his arms are splayed out like a bat that’s been hit by a bus, his legs are curled up in the fetal position, his head’s tilted to the left, his eyes are wide open and crossed, his mouth’s open and his tongue’s sticking out like those Budweiser ”WASSUP” guys, he’s snoring like a cave troll with a head cold, and he’s drooling more than Odie the idiot dog. I’m sorry, but with a form that bad, I can’t even justify awarding him the bronze.
"Hey, he was f***ed up
GIMLI: And the entire time he was writing this story.
when we got in he fell asleep with his clothes on." said Natalie. "Well, when you
going get the kids?" asked Relena. "As soon as he wakes up." said Natalie.
ARWEN (as Natalie): Yes, and then I’m gonna run for the nearest women’s shelter.
ARAGORN (as Natalie): And hope that stud Loin-O comes to save me.
"Well, I'll go with
you and help you take care of them in the nursery." "Thanks Relena." said Natalie with a smile.
At Snake Mountain, "Are you sure this is going to work?" asked Hiss.
GIMLI: Such a masterful and seamless scene transition.
LEGOLAS: Yes, he truly is the king of pacing and structure.
"Oh it will, trust
me, it will." said Mumm-Ra. "But what if they don't fall for it?"
LEGOLAS: Then you’ll have to pick someone hotter for them to fall for. May I suggest Rachael Leigh Cook?
ARAGORN: Or Catherine Zeta-Jones?
ARWEN: Or Orlando Bloom?
GIMLI: Or Kate Winslet? She’ll even doff her clothes to seal the deal!
LEGOLAS: Yeah, baby! I could get down with that!
ARWEN: (grumbles obscenities under her breath in Elvish)
"Hiss, have a little faith in my
skill, the ninja won't know what hit him." said Mumm-Ra with an evil laugh.
ARAGORN: I’m pretty sure there’s a lot of He-Man fans who’d love to hit him for this fic.
ARWEN: Another one?
LEGOLAS: AI VARDA! I can’t take any more of this!
ARAGORN: Oh, pipe down. This is the last chapter. Lighten up!
GIMLI: Oh, yeah, Aragorn’s enjoying this way too much.
In another part of Eternia, "Help! King Hiss is attacking the dock." scream a
girl as she ran from Beast-Man.
GIMLI: How the hell does one “scream a girl”?
LEGOLAS: Like this! (screams right in Gimli’s ear) A GIRL!!!!!
GIMLI (flinching from the scream and glaring): When this fic’s over, elf, I’m kicking your @$$ Texas-style.
"He-Man, come in." said a voice over the communicator on
Adam's wrist. "Oh no, this is bad." said Adam as he changed into He-Man.
ARAGORN: I thought he said “By the Power of Grayskull, I have the power” as he changed into He-Man.
ARWEN: Now, now, my love, you can’t expect Ninjor to write a scene that’s actually awe-inspiring and exciting.
"This is He-Man,
what is it Fisto?" "Hiss is attacking a town just north of the Ever Green Forest. We need you to
get in touch with He-Man and Ninjor and send them over here." said Fisto.
LEGOLAS: How does Fisto expect He-Man to get in touch with himself when he’s already talking to him?
ARAGORN: I think we just witnessed an attempt at Eternian phone sex.
ARWEN: And He-Man slash.
"Right." said Adam
cutting off the link. "Ninjor, we're needed." said Adam over Ninjor's line. "I'm sleeping." "Too
bad, get up." said Adam as he pulled his sword from it's hiding place. "Alright I'm coming." said
Sonny as he grabbed his sword and went to Adam's room. "By the Power of Grayksull!" yelled
Adam as a bolt of lighting struck his sword and changed him into He-Man, the most powerful
man in the universe. "I Have the Power!" he yelled as he brought the sword to his chest with both
hands and then pointed it at Cringer turning him into Battle-Cat.
ARWEN: He was already transformed into He-Man! How the hell did he revert back so quickly?
ARAGORN (burying his face in his hands): Oh, the agony….
LEGOLAS: (sits there weeping)
GIMLI: (walks over to the wall and starts slamming his head against it)
"Come on Ninjor, get a move
on." said He-Man as Sonny came stumbling. "By the Magic of Grayskull!" yelled Sonny and the
same lighting bolt struck his sword
ARWEN: Instantly electrocuting him, leaving his corpse a charred cinder. Then everyone danced on his grave and yea, there was much rejoicing. The end.
GIMLI: We wish.
changing him into his ninja outfit and buliding up his
strength and speed. "I Have the Power!"
LEGOLAS: To suck @$$ beyond all ****ing belief.
"Let's go He-Man." said Ninjor heading for the stables.
"Let's go Cat." said He-Man he mounted Battle-Cat.
ARAGORN: Oh, good, bestiality slash. Man, Ninjor sure likes to pile on the pain, doesn’t he?
LEGOLAS: Hey, he’s already hit a lot of new lows. Why stop now?
"Here we go again Stridor."
ARAGORN (horrified): Oh, hell, no. He did NOT just stick me in this thing as one of his stooges….
ARWEN: No, my love, he means Stridor the horse. Not Strider, the alias you once went by.
ARAGORN (relieved): Good, otherwise I’d have had to slap him with a lawsuit for defamation of character.
said Ninjor as
he got in the mechanical horse.
GIMLI: Which immediately threw him off and started trampling him into paste.
ARAGORN: I don’t see that scene anywhere in this fic.
GIMLI: It’ll be restored on the Special Extended Edition DVD.
ARAGORN: But who would want to sit thru a longer version of this?
"Is the trap ready." asked Hiss. "Yes Your Highness, everything is ready." said Khan with
an evil hiss. "Good." said Hiss and Ninjor and He-Man came into the town. "Well He-Man, how
do you like my new partner?" asked Hiss with an evil laugh
ARWEN (as Hiss): We just met at the local singles’ bar and we’ve been dating for the past week.
ARAGORN (as Hiss): We’re thinking of moving in together and getting a dog.
as Mumm-Ra flew down in his
LEGOLAS: Yes, yes, good form, but his landing was kind of sloppy. He’ll have to settle for the silver.
"Mumm-Ra, I should have known it was you Fisto was talking about when he said
a guy that looked like the devil." said He-Man as he charged Mumm-Ra.
ARAGORN: Actually, Fisto was talking about Ninjor, but never mind.
"Yes He-Man, and now
revenge." said Mumm-Ra as he and He-Man locked up.
LEGOLAS: Yep, we now officially have a slash fic.
ARWEN: Eeeeeewwww. The last thing I want to see is Mumm-Ra naked.
LEGOLAS: What if it was Ninjor in his place?
ARWEN (sickened): On second thought, a naked Mumm-Ra doesn’t sound all that bad.
"I get all of you, how sweet." said Ninjor
ARAGORN: And Ninjor gets an orgy all to himself.
ARWEN: Eeeeeeewwwww! Gross!
GIMLI: Disgusting! Vile!
LEGOLAS: And those Snake Men are rather hideous, too!
as he launched an attack on the army of Snake Mountain, who were just beating him to a pulp.
ARAGORN: Keep beating him! Keep beating him!
LEGOLAS: Yes, kill the dopey bastard!
GIMLI: Make him pay for this awful fic!
ARWEN: I wanna see his intestines used for jump ropes!
"Give it up Ninjor, your no match for all of us." said Tri-Clops. "No, but he is." said Ninjor as
Fisto knock out everyone in the army out with his iron fist.
ALL THE MIDDLE-EARTHERS (crestfallen): DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Thanks old friend." said Ninjor.
ALL THE MIDDLE-EARTHERS: For nothing!!!!
"Anytime, but go get Hiss, he's got a trap for He-Man." said Fisto. "Right." said Ninjor rushing
Hiss. "Get off me you human." said Hiss.
LEGOLAS: Man, first Natalie, then that bridesmaid, now King Hiss? Ninjor’s quite the horny little bugger, isn’t he?
ARAGORN: Anything for a shag, he’ll take.
GIMLI: Love ‘em and leave ‘em, that’s his mantra.
"I don't think so." said Ninjor as he grabbed a remote
control bow from Hiss. "So this is your plan, you got to be kidding me." said Ninjor as he sliced
the box in half. "Good, you just put my plan into action, now the town is going to blow."
ARWEN: This town’s name wouldn’t happen to be Monica Lewinsky, would it?
LEGOLAS: Don’t let Bill Clinton know. He just might show up and try to get lucky.
Hiss as he ran from Ninjor laughing. "Oh no. He-Man! The towns going to blow!" yelled Ninjor
as He-Man threw Mumm-Ra on the ground.
ARAGORN: We heard it the first time, stupid!
GIMLI: Nice to know he’s still being consistent.
ARAGORN: Yeah, consistently terrible.
"Can't help you now bro, you're going to have to
handle it." said He-Man as Mumm-Ra punched him.
ARWEN: “Bro”? Since when does He-Man talk like a homeboy?
ARAGORN: I can just see the variant figure now: “Ghetto Homeboy He-Man, complete with platinum neck chains, diamond teeth, baggy pants, backwards baseball cap, Glocks of Power, boom box, and graffiti-covered Compton street corner where he can freestyle for change.”
'Oh great, where's a metal detector when
you need it. Wait, my sword. Maybe it can locate the bombs.' thought Ninjor as he grabbed his
LEGOLAS: And now he’s repeating the word “sword” over and over again.
GIMLI: He’s determined to find the next “leverage,” isn’t he?
'I hope this works' thought Ninjor as he threw his sword up in the air. 'Come on, please.'
ARAGORN (as Ninjor): Please chop my head off on the way down.
ARWEN (as Ninjor): Please bury yourself into my skull.
LEGOLAS (as Ninjor): Please hara-kiri me.
GIMLI (as Ninjor): Please chop off my hands, so I can’t ever write another one of these awful fics.
Sure enough the sword pointed to one set of bombs.
GIMLI: Which, coincidentally, are the first couple of fics Ninjor ever wrote.
"He-Man! Give me your sword!" yelled
Ninjor as he caught He-Man's sword and threw it up in the air, sure enough, it did like Ninjor's.
ARWEN: More pointless repetition, I see.
LEGOLAS (kung-fu movie-style): Bah-hahahahahahahaha! Your tiger-style sword is no match for my dragon-style sword!
As the sword's fell, Ninjor ran and caught them
ARAGORN: In his face.
ARWEN: In his chest.
GIMLI: In his back.
LEGOLAS: In his boys.
ARWEN: Oooh, that’s even better! He’ll suffer more that way!
along with the explosives and threw them in the
ARAGORN: Along with this crappy story.
"He-Man, catch!" yelled Ninjor as he threw He-Man his sword.
HE-MAN (VO, over the intercom): Which I promptly used to behead the idiot.
LEGOLAS: I thought you were taking a shower in hydrochloric acid.
HE-MAN: The Sorceress and Mattel talked me out of it. They said it wouldn’t do to have their meal ticket disfigured.
ARWEN: I think Ninjor’s doing a pretty good job of that already.
ARAGORN: Yes, he’s KLIILGN TEH LIEN!!!!!!!!
"Now, behold your own
evil Mumm-Ra." said He-Man as he caught the sword and held it so Mumm-Ra could see his
reflection. "No!" yelled Mumm-Ra
GIMLI (as Mumm-Ra): I see Ninjor’s face in the reflection! I had no idea I was THAT ugly!
as he flew back to Third Earth.
LEGOLAS: And escaped this heinous fic once and for all.
"So much for him." said
Ninjor. "Curse you He-Man, next time, you will not win!" said Hiss as he went back to Snake
Mountain with his army.
ARWEN: Yet another example of Ninjor’s flair for intense dialogue and triumphant visuals.
GIMLI: Yes, only a two-year old has a more cinematic scope!
At Castle Grayskull, "You sure yall don't want to stay here Heero?" asked Sonny.
ARAGORN (Beaky Buzzard voice): Nope, nope, nope, don’t want to. Gotta get back in time for the barn dance and cow-tippin’ ceremony. Don’t have no time to stay here, nope, nope, nope.
we have to get back to our time." said Heero
LEGOLAS (as Heero): This Eternian Daylight Savings cycle is too much for me. I can’t handle the 8-hour difference.
as he and Sonny shook hands as he, Relena, and the
other gundam poilts left with their gundams.
ARWEN: If the Gundam guys are leaving, of course they’re going to take the Gundams with them!
ARAGORN: Captain Redundancy strikes again!
GIMLI: What’s a Gundam poilt?
LEGOLAS: Sounds like a food ration that went bad.
GIMLI: Well, this story didn’t go bad. It sucked right from the get-go.
"I hope they'll be alright without you." said He-Man
who was standing by Sonny's side.
GIMLI: But will they be all right?
LEGOLAS: Of course they will! They won’t be anywhere near Ninjor and his crappy Mary Sues! They’ll be free from the indignity and embarrassment!
"They will." said Sonny as he head back to the palace to be
with his family.
ARAGORN: Where he finds out that he’s not the father of Natalie’s kids—Loin-O is.
ARWEN: And Natalie serves him the divorce papers.
GIMLI: And she finally nails him with the restraining order.
LEGOLAS: And he gets tossed in the slammer and has to share a cell with a big guy named Bluto, who’s looking for a girlfriend.
He-Man sheepishly enters the room.
HE-MAN: Um…I…well…I was watching the whole thing over a secret video camera.
ARWEN: Oh, so you wanted to see what wisecracks we were coming up with?
HE-MAN: That, and I wanted to make sure you guys weren’t too badly scarred by the experience. That fic really, really sucked.
GIMLI: That’s an understatement.
HE-MAN: So…uh…um…how do you guys feel?
ARAGORN: Well, I’ll just say this. I hated that fic with a vengeance… (pause, then a wicked smile) …but I had great time doing it.
ARWEN: Yeah, that was actually kinda fun! These MSTs are really enjoyable!
GIMLI: Yes, it’s not often we natural-born warriors get to mock a writer’s ineptitude! This was a refreshing change of pace!
LEGOLAS: It sucked, He-Man. There was no T & A in the whole thing! The only thing that could have made it better wasn’t anywhere to be found!
ARWEN (angry): Is that all you think about?
LEGOLAS: No. Sometimes I fantasize about the chicks in the Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs.
ARWEN: (gives Legolas a very rude gesture)
HE-MAN: Well, it’s good to know you guys didn’t mind it too much. (looks at the snack table) And I see you barely touched any of the food during the fic.
ARAGORN (reaching into his coat and yanking out a bunch of DVDs): Ah, but I brought some really cool kung-fu movies with me! Whaddaya say we watch these babies and pig out?
ARWEN: I’m game!
GIMLI: Now you’re talking!
LEGOLAS: Are there any naked chicks in them?
LEGOLAS (disappointed): Damn. (sighs) Oh, well, what the hell. Anything’s better than Ninjor’s fics.
ARAGORN: Want to join us, Adam?
HE-MAN (beaming): Cool!
And so He-Man joins the Middle-Earthers, and they all enjoy in the marathon of classic kung-fu movies.
AFTERWORD by Granamyr
Boromir: This fic makes me wish I were dead.
Gandalf: I second that.
Aragorn: Hate to break it to you, but you are dead. Both of you.
Merry: Duo’s messed up from all the beer and wine?
Frodo: Actually, I think it might be something a little more genetic.
Pippin: But does it come in pints?
Merry: I just think he drank before having second breakfast, that’s all.
Pippin: What do you think, Sam? SAM?!
Sam: Uh, what’s that, Mr. Frodo, sir?
Frodo: Pip wants to know what you think.
Sam: Uh, well, I, uh, can’t read, sir. This fan-fic is the farthest from literacy I’ve ever gone in my life.