INT. HUER’S PENTHOUSE SUITE ON 25TH-CENTURY EARTH
Dr. Elias Huer has just finished looking over the channel guide to his new DIRECT TV system. Proudly, he plops down into his favorite easy chair while his house guests Buck Rogers, Wilma Deering, Twiki the robot, and the bird-man Hawk occupy the couch.
BUCK: Huer, you really didn’t have to invite us over here just to watch TV. We all have satellite TV at home, you know.
HUER: But this is cooler! With my new 50-inch widescreen TV, you never have to watch pan-and-scan programming ever again! Everything’s in beautiful, glorious widescreen! Except for the older stuff, that’s gonna be letterboxed on the sides. But seriously, this is home viewing as it was meant to be!
WILMA: Hmpfh. Must be a catch.
HUER: Well, yeah. The satellite company selects the first program you watch when you first hook up the TV, to demonstrate how everything’s going to look. But it’s only the one program they pick. After that, it’s all you, baby!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…so they could pick absolute crap for the first program and you’d be stuck with it until it’s over?
HAWK: Huer, I don’t think this is such a good idea….
HUER: Oh, simmer down, you guys. It’s gonna be cool, trust me. (snaps on his TV) Now just sit back, relax, and enjoy the wonders of widescreen TV!
TV SIGNAL: Thank you for purchasing DIRECT TV and Sony Widescreen Television. For the next two hours, a demo program will be run as an example of the fine entertainment system you have just hooked up to. We hope you enjoy your viewing experience, and look forward to many years of bringing you unlimited viewing pleasure. Enjoy the show.
HUER: See? See? I told you there was nothing to worry about!
BUCK: I hope to God you’re right, Huer. Otherwise we may have to get violent….
****
Trouble On Cybertron
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…a Transformers movie?
HAWK: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.
BUCK: I just hope they blow up a lot of stuff. The world could always use a good celluloid explosion or two.
HUER (cocky): See, guys? Who called it? Who called it?
WILMA (suspicious): I still think there’s a catch.
By: Sonny Iverson (Ninjor)
HUER (horrified): WTF?!?!
HAWK: Oh, God, not Ninjor! Anything but Ninjor!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…oh, ****!
WILMA: I knew it! I just knew there had to be a catch!
HUER (sputtering): I swear…I had no idea….
BUCK: Huer, when this is all over, you’re a dead man.
Chapter 1
HAWK: There’s chapters to this crap?
WILMA: Apparently the guys at DIRECT TV are major sadists. Otherwise they wouldn’t have dished out such prolonged pain as this.
On the distant planet of Cybertron, the evil leader of the
Decepticons, Megatron, was plotting a way to destroy the Autobots.
BUCK: Like he ever does anything else….
"We must
find a way to destroy those accursed Autobots," said Megatron
HUER: Didn’t Sonny just get done saying that already?
WILMA: Get used to the pointless and stupid repetition. It’s his stock-in-trade.
to Soundwave,
his number 1 man.
WILMA (as Megatron imitating Jean-Luc Picard): Yes, Number 1, I told you I wanted Earl Grey, hot! Make it so!
HAWK (ditto): And be sure to go on all the away teams while I sit on the bridge with my tail between my legs! I’m too big of a pansy to actually act like a starship captain!
"We could try putting a mega virus in Tellatran-1,"
BUCK: Yeah, you could send them an E-book edition of the collected works of John T’lustachowski.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…no way! That’s too cruel, even for the Decepticons!
suggested Starscream, air commander of the Decepticon fleet.
HUER: Starscream…sounds like an alien porn star to me.
WILMA: Are you sure there’s a market for Decepticon porn?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…don’t give Sonny any bright ideas.
"That should
give them a charge."
WILMA: Your total is $598.73! We accept credit cards only via Paypal!
"That's more like a prank, dumb ass!!!!" yelled
Megatron.
HAWK: And this fic’s more like literary torture, ‘cause it sucks @$$!
"We need a foolproof plan. Shockwave, any luck on finding the
files I requested?" "Right here, Megatron." said Shockwave, the second in
command on Cybertron, "We can set the coordinates now." "What are you doing,
Megatron?" asked Starscream, "Calling an old friend on Eternia, the wicked
Skeletor."
HUER: The Wicked Skeletor? Is that anything like the Evil Dead?
BUCK: And does he fight Bruce Campbell?
HAWK (as Ash): Klaatu…barada…necktie? Nickel?
And with that, Shockwave sent the signal to Snake Mountain on
Eternia.
Meanwhile, on Eternia, "Skeletor, something is coming over the
communication system. It's from Cybertron." Said Beast Man with surprise
in his voice.
HUER (as Beast Man): I can’t believe Sonny’s trashing two franchises in one fell swoop!
"Well open it up, you fool!" screamed Skeletor from the control
console in the Collector.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…the Collector?
HAWK: Who knew Skeletor ran the intergalactic branch of the IRS?
BUCK: Well, as bad as he is at fighting He-Man, I sure as hell wouldn’t trust him with my taxes.
"Greetings, Skeletor, I see you still have the
fur ball around," said Megatron.
WILMA (as Skeletor): No, Panthor just coughed this one up this morning, and I haven’t had the time to properly clean up Snake Mountain. Housekeeping was never my strong suit, and you know how these cats can hack up hairballs like crazy….
"Greetings, Megatron, to what honor do I
the privilege of receiving this call?" asked Skeletor hastily.
HUER (as Skeletor): And make it snappy, I have an appointment to keep at Eternia’s red light district in half an hour.
HAWK (ditto): You see, Evil-Lyn just established this really cool brothel, and I don’t want to miss its grand opening.
"I am
in need of your help, old friend, I am having problems with the Autobots
again." said Megatron,
TWIKI (as Megatron): Beedy beedy beedy…it seems we’re all stuck in this really $#!++y Mary Sue….
"Well, what can I do, old friend?" asked the lord of
darkness, stepping out of the Collector.
HUER (as Megatron): Please, kill me. Spare me the indignity of being stuck in this godawful fic.
"Help me get rid of the Autobots,
that is all I ask for,
HAWK (as Megatron): But while you’re at it, you think you could spare a few moments to give Ninjor the messy death he deserves?
I will have Astrotrain bring you to Cybertron where
we can devise a plan to defeat the Autobots, and He-Man, who I know has been
a thorn in your side." said Megatron with a bit of a laugh.
HUER: “Astrotrain”? Is that the space version of Soul Train?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…if it is, I’ve never seen it on any TV station.
BUCK: Well, look on the bright side. At least we’ll never see it used as an excuse to have Cameron Diaz dance like a spaz in any of the Charlie’s Angels movies. It’s too far out of McG’s jurisdiction.
"You have a deal,
pick me up at 5:00 Eternian time, I'll be ready."
WILMA: Because Daylight Savings and Eastern Standard Time are such a pain to keep straight.
said the lord of
destruction with a horrid laugh.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…it’d only be horrid if he was actually enjoying this fic.
Meanwhile, on Earth, "Hey Optimus, we have a call coming in from our
good friend He-Man.
HAWK (as Optimus): He’d better be calling 1-800-COLLECT. If he’s not saving me a buck or two, his @$$ is mine.
I'm putting it up on the viewer,"
BUCK: Because he’s had his fill of hardcore porn for the day.
said Spike, a human
friend of the Autobots. "Hey Optimus," said He-Man's booming voice, "What's
up He-Man?" said Spike with a bit of fatigue in his voice. "Nothing much
really, I was calling about the get together tomorrow on Cybertron," said
He-Man,
BUCK (as He-Man): …and I was wondering if you were able to get the ale and whores like you promised.
WILMA (as Optimus): Sorry, couldn’t get any ale. You’ll have to settle for that crappy Big Red soda instead. And the only whore we could get was Princess Ardala.
BUCK (irate): Hey, that’s mean!
WILMA: Hey, ever since cancellation, she’ll do anything for spare change.
BUCK (angry): And what have YOU been doing?
WILMA (embarrassed): I’m not at liberty to say. (glowers at Buck’s stomach) But judging by your waistline, you’ve obviously been hitting every all-you-can-eat buffet in the galaxy.
BUCK (beet-red): HEY!!!
"I'm having Omega Supreme pick you up at 5:00 your time He-Man," said
Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…Omega Supreme?
HAWK: Must be the member of Alan Moore’s Supremacy we never saw.
HUER: Boy, he must be slumming if he’s doing a cameo in this fic.
"He should be there any minute now."
"OPTIMUS!!!!!!" a voice yelled, "Whoa, slow down, Bumble Bee, what do you
have to report?" said Optimus.
HUER (as Optimus): And unless you’ve found us some ale and more whores, I don’t want to hear about it.
"We just found out that Megatron is...oh, hi
He-Man...bringing Skeletor to Cybertron, he's leaving the same time as
He-Man is for Cybertron, we better get there fast so we can be ready for
He-Man to arrive."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…has this guy ever even heard of punctuation?
"You have a point, Bumble Bee. If Skeletor is going, you
are going to need me for sure." said He-Man,
WILMA (as He-Man, with a stoner voice): ‘Cause, like, I’m just so totally gnarly, dude. I got this bodacious sword, and it’s way excellent, ya know, man?
"I'll bring a new recruit we've
been training, he goes by the name of Ninjor,
HAWK (as He-Man): He has many other names as well, all of which are obscene insults and are far more appropriate to him.
he's great with a samurai
sword."
BUCK: Provided you compare his swordsmanship skills to that of a midget who’s a quadruple amputee.
"We'll need all the help we can get," said Jazz. "I'll be ready to
cut off some heads." said Ninjor.
WILMA: Good. You can start with your own.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…which one?
WILMA: The one he does all his thinking with.
HUER: That’d be the little one, I’m afraid….
"See you there then, kid." said Iron Hide.
HAWK (as Iron Hide): I’ll be looking forward to killing you personally.
"Let's go, He-Man," said Ninjor as Omega Supreme landed next to Castle
Grayskull.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…and in true Mary Sue style, Ninjor’s the one giving all the orders.
WILMA: Yes, because He-Man’s just so incapable of handing anything himself.
HAWK: Is anybody else about to stick their fingers down their throats right now?
Chapter 2
"Nice of you to come, Skeletor," said Megatron, opening the giant
door for his guest. "It was the least I could do." said Skeletor,
HUER: Since when has Skeletor ever been a bastion of good manners?
BUCK: Since Sonny made him a good guy in “The New Heroes.”
HUER: WTF?!?!?!?!?!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…that’s what everyone else was saying, too.
still
laughing at a joke Astrotrain told him on the way up there. "Astrotrain knows
quite a few jokes," laughed Skeletor. "Yes, a habit he picked up from the
people of Earth." explained Megatron
HAWK (as Megatron): He learned everything he knows from a secondhand copy of The Jack & Jill Book of Rib-Ticklers and Knock-Knock Jokes.
HUER: And from watching Batman & Robin over and over again on loop.
"Now to business, I need you to help me
defeat the Autobots so we can finally attack He-Man without their
interference."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…but Skeletor always attacks He-Man without the Autobots getting in his way!
BUCK: Don’t confuse the issue with facts, Twiki. Sonny just can’t be bothered with them.
"There's something I forgot to tell you, my friend," said
Skeletor,
WILMA (as Skeletor): I’ve taken up cross-dressing as a hobby.
HAWK (ditto): I just won first prize in a Cloris Leachman look-alike contest.
BUCK (ditto): I’m wearing a chainmail G-string under my loincloth. Man, does it chafe….
TWIKI (ditto): Beedy beedy beedy…Evil-Lyn’s really a dude.
HUER (ditto): I’m doing a cover album of Barry Manilow songs.
"He-Man has a young helper now,
WILMA: Well, he’s actually a usurper, but let’s not get into semantics, shall we?
by the name of Ninjor from Earth,
somewhere from a place called the Louisiana swamps. He is powerful and
skillful with a sword, the best I've ever seen."
BUCK: Obviously Skeletor hasn’t been paying enough attention to He-Man when he’s in action.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…or the entire Jedi Order.
HAWK: Or Zorro.
HUER: Or Robin Hood.
WILMA: Or Aragorn and Boromir.
BUCK: All of whom could whale on Ninjor’s @$$ in a heartbeat.
"Then we must be careful, my
friend," said Megatron.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…too late. You’re already in this fic.
"We're almost there, He-Man," said Omega Supreme on his way to meet
the others on Cybertron.
HUER: …to discuss the slowest, most painful and disgusting ways they could torture Ninjor before killing him.
Ninjor looked out the window, thinking of his home
and his family on Earth and how he missed the hot days and cold nights of
his home town.
HAWK: And how everybody back home wanted to lynch him for giving Louisiana such a bad name.
"Having problems, Ninjor?" asked the strongest man alive.
BUCK (as He-Man): Aside from being stupid and a bad writer, that is.
"No, just thinking of home, and my niece and cousins, I'm hoping to see them
again, and my girlfriend, who I've been talking with over the net. I miss
them all."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…while they, on the other hand, relish not having to be in contact with this dweeb.
The young ninja said as tears rolled down his cheek
BUCK: …upon realizing just how many MotU fans wanted his head on a stake.
as he thought
about his girlfriend, remembering his promise, "When I get back, I'll buy you
whatever you want, I promise, I'll be careful," and about that last kiss
goodbye.
HAWK: He’s crying because he can’t believe there was actually a chick stupid enough to take him.
WILMA: “I’ll buy you whatever you want”? Sounds like he’s been seeing a hooker.
HAWK: Like I said, he’s crying because he can’t believe there was actually a chick stupid enough to take him.
"Omega, give me a phone please."
HUER (as Ninjor): I want to do some of those Arnold Schwarzenegger crank calls.
WILMA (with an Austrian accent): Who is yo’ daddy, and what does he do?
Said Ninjor, he called up his
girlfriend, "Is Amelia there?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…Amelia? I thought he was with some chick named Natalie!
BUCK: I don’t even want to know how he scored with this one….
WUZ UP?!
BUCK (Budweiser-style): WASSUP!
WILMA: WASSUP!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…hey, where’s Theopolis? Theopolis! Hey, pick up the phone!
THEOPOLIS: Yo?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…WASSUP!
THEOPOLIS: WASSUP!
HAWK: Just chillin’ here, havin’ a Bud.
HUER: True, true.
We're on our way back now..."
HUER (as Ninjor): And I really, really hope you’ve rescinded those restraining orders.
He-Man looked at him with a kind look.
WILMA: …hoping to mislead Ninjor so he wouldn’t suspect that he’d end up with the Sword of Grayskull embedded in his skull.
This once lonely boy was now happy,
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…uh, why? Wasn’t he crying just a few minutes ago?
HUER: I think it’s best to just keep going and ignore the inconsistencies.
but the thing was how to win against Skeletor and Megatron combined,
HAWK: That’s easy. Just sit them down and force them to read all of Sonny’s fics in one sitting.
BUCK: But wouldn’t that qualify as cruel and unusual punishment?
as they reached Cybertron, Optimus was waiting for them.
"Optimus, how are we going to know if Skeletor is already on
Cybertron?" asked an unsteady Hot Rod.
HUER: When he starts giving you crank calls and you get pizzas you didn’t order delivered to you.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…and when he takes over all the radio stations and forces them to play nothing but bad gangsta rap music.
HAWK: Is there really any other kind of gangsta rap music?
"We haven't even reached the halfway
point yet,
WILMA (as Hot Rod): And I’m starting to get sore, so maybe we should try this again some other time.
and He-Man and that kid should be here any minute!" "I don't know,
Hot Rod, our only hope is that he has not reached Cybertron before us." said
Optimus, reading his book.
HUER: Sadly, he’s not reading anything good. He’s reading The Collected David Gonterman.
"All I know is that somehow we have to find that
Ninjor and talk with him about his skills,
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…which consist solely of writing incoherent, badly structured, and just plain idiotic Mary Sues.
maybe he would work well in a
robotic exo-suit,
HAWK: Rigged to electrocute his @$$ the instant he puts it on.
one with a big-ass sword
WILMA: In order to compensate for him having such a small sword of his own, if you get my drift.
BUCK: I think I’d rather not…eww.
and sharp enough to cut through
the Decepticons, or if he wants at it with Skeletor."
HUER: But it still won’t even be remotely sharp enough to cut thru either his ego or his stupidity.
said Kup. "We will just
have to see." said Optimus.
BUCK (as Optimus): …just how much excruciating torture we can inflict upon him.
Meanwhile, in the Decepticon base on Cybertron, "I have a friend who
knows this Ninjor, who says he would like to kill him.
WILMA: Unfortunately, there’s millions more who’d like to do the same, so picking out just one hasn’t been easy.
His name is Hordak, he
was spying on him when he was on Hordak's planet. Let me give him a call."
said Skeletor.
HAWK (as Skeletor): But first I’ll dial 1-800-CALL-ATT. It’s free for me, cheap for him.
"Good idea, he'll keep the ninja busy while we battle with
Prime and He-Man." Said Megatron. He walked over to the communications
console and sent out a call to Hordak.
WILMA (doing her Ah-nuld impression again): I’m Det. John Kimble! I’m going to ask you a couple of questions, and you will answer them immediately…what? You idiot!
"Hordak, come in."
HUER: The water’s fine, just pay no attention to the approaching shark fin and the creepy John Williams music.
"Yes, Skeletor?"
said Hordak. "I'm in need of your services, dear friend.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…does Sonny know these two are supposed to hate each other’s guts?
HUER: Why, Twiki! You’re actually questioning the wisdom of a Mary Sue writer? For shame!
That stupid Ninjor
is on his way here to Cybertron with that muscle-bound idiot He-Man!
BUCK: Nice to know Skeletor’s an equal-opportunity insult dispenser.
We will
need your help to get rid of them for us." said Skeletor. "Hmm, I'll be on
Cybertron in 5 minutes." said Hordak and sure enough, he was.
WILMA: …slitting his wrists in a desperate attempt to kill himself and escape this fic.
Chapter 3
"He-Man, something has just told me that Hordak is on Cybertron and
he's ready to kill me!" said Ninjor.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…good. I hope he makes it slow and painful.
HAWK: And humiliating.
BUCK: And disgraceful.
HUER: And disgusting.
WILMA: And videotapes it so he can sell it at low, low prices on eBay.
He-Man looked troubled.
HUER: Because he realized Sonny had reduced him to a useless supporting character.
He thought about
calling his sister She-Ra for help, but didn't.
HAWK: Come to think of it, He-Man, maybe you should bail out of this fic, too. You need to preserve at least some of your dignity.
He figured that Ninjor
could take him,
WILMA: Because God forbid that the real star of MotU ever be allowed to do anything remotely heroic on his own when Ninjor’s around.
now that his weakness of being in love was gone, being
that he and that girl had broken up, because he had found out she was
playing him.
BUCK: All her proclamations of love were just an excuse for her to try and do a Basic Instinct on him with an ice pick.
WILMA: Too bad she didn’t succeed. Maybe we would have been spared this fic.
Now that his only weakness was the fact that his brother-in-law
had died and would be buried when he came home from this mission, if he
survived.
HUER: Wait a minute. His brother-in-law is dead, but if he survives he’ll be buried when he comes home? WTF?
BUCK (doing his best Vinnie Barbarino impression): I’m so confused!
Nobody but He-Man knew of this weakness.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…but everyone knew of Sonny’s major shortcomings as a writer.
"How are you doing?" he
asked Ninjor, worried about him.
WILMA: Worried he might write another Mary Sue, that is….
"I'll feel better when we reach Cybertron
and I can beat the sh** out of that f***er known as Hordak." said Ninjor.
HAWK: The [expletive deleted] Known As Hordak…is he anything like the Artist Formerly Known As Prince?
BUCK: I understand his name-symbol is a big red bat.
He-Man could tell he was pissed now as they landed on Cybertron. "Calm down,
bro. Here, have a drink, you'll feel better."
TWIKI (as He-Man): Beedy beedy beedy…but first let me slip you a Mickey so you pass out. That way you won’t see it coming when I chuck you out the window.
And for the first time He-Man
saw Ninjor's face.
BUCK: And barfed his guts out when he saw how hideous Ninjor really was.
He was aware of the blue eyes that always got the girls,
HAWK: Provided he’s fed them a copious amount of rufies beforehand….
WILMA: There ain’t enough rufies in the universe to make me interested in this guy.
but he had
first seen his braces and notice that he was only about 18 years of age.
HAWK: Let me get this straight. Ninjor/Sonny Iverson is a chick magnet, yet he wears braces?
HUER: Sure, Sonny, whatever you say…. (flips the bird at the screen)
He-Man asked, "How old did you say you were?" "15,
TWIKI: (as He-Man): Beedy beedy beedy…I’ll see to it that you never live to see your senior prom.
HUER: Wait, didn’t he say just a little while ago that he was 18?
HAWK: I don’t think we were supposed to notice that little continuity error.
and I never gave you my
name, although I know you are Prince Adam.
BUCK (as Ninjor): And I intend to blackmail you with that information unless you step aside and allow me to become the star of MotU.
You never knew that I was
Sonny Iverson, world's most stupid boy."
WILMA: But we did!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…you know, this is the first time I’ve ever heard Ninjor admit it.
"Why do you put yourself down like
that, the girls all seem to think differently." said He-Man,
BUCK: Of course, they’re all inflatable….
thinking about
how he had won a girl's heart back on Eternia.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…and had it freeze-dried and mounted on his wall as a trophy.
"Yeah, but they never saw my
face,
WILMA: And for that they should be grateful.
just my eyes, they think that the slant eye isn't that bad,
HUER (as Ninjor): But the rawness and redness is a turn-off for them. Maybe I should start using Visine….
they just
like the color of them, they would think I looked like you and f**k me any
chance they got,
HAWK (as Ninjor): But only after I got them doped up and/or drunk.
WILMA: Because no woman in her right mind would get with Ninjor of her own accord.
I never gave it up to them though."
HUER: Only because there was nobody for you to give it up to.
BUCK: They were obviously a lot smarter than you gave them credit for, Sonny.
He said taking a sip
of a Root Beer,
HAWK: And in the process giving A&W. Barq’s, Mug, and Faygo a bad name….
"It's just that the girls at home think different, they
think I'm retarded."
WILMA: Well, guess what, dude? They’re right!
He-Man looked at him while they walked down to the place
where they would meet Prime.
HAWK: And they could discuss the best way to torture and kill Ninjor.
"So, how's the ankle?" He-Man asked, remembering
that he had broken it back in '93 and it had been giving him problems lately.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…good. Break it again.
HUER: And make sure it doesn’t heal this time.
BUCK: And while you’re at it, break your neck and your spine. The more incapacitated you are, the better.
"Fine." He said, seeing Prime come up and hid his face underneath his
mask.
HUER: Because the sight of his ugly kisser would have blown Prime’s circuits.
"Hey He-Man, Ninjor." Said Prime, "how's it going?" "Good." Said the
ninja. "ATTACK!!!!!!!!" they heard and there was the trio ready for battle.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…uh…wha—?
WILMA: Don’t think about it too much, just let it wash over you.
"OH S**T!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Ninjor, grabbing his sword.
WILMA: Whoa. Who knew a hand job could be used as a battle tactic?
EVERYONE ELSE (squirming in disgust): Eww….
"Jazz, where's the
exo-suit ?" asked Prime, firing his gun.
HAWK: “It’s at the scrapyard, being destroyed before Ninjor ever gets a chance to wear it!” answered Jazz, pinching his loaf.
"Don't worry, Big Bot, I'll take
Hordak." Said Ninjor, running after Hordak. 'There's only one person on Earth
who called me Big Bot, no, it can't be, Sonny??' thought Optimus, firing at
Megatron.
HUER (as Optimus): Aw, hell, he’s actually the hero of this fic? Geez, why don’t I just blow my brains out and end this humiliation?
"So He-Man, you decided to come.
WILMA: Cue Beavis and Butthead-style huh-huh-huhs.
Let's get this over with." said
an angry Skeletor.
BUCK (as Skeletor): You tear off Ninjor’s arms and legs while I behead and disembowel him.
"We don't have to fight, Skeletor, you know this." said
He-Man calmly.
BUCK (as Skeletor): Of course I know that, you dummy! That’s why I offered you to help me kill Ninjor! God, are your hearing aids really that defective?
"You fool, you cannot stop me!!!!!!!" yelled Skeletor,
HAWK (as Skeletor): From shagging Evil-Lyn ‘til the sun comes up.
charging at He-Man with his Power Sword. He-Man ducked the swing and caught
Skeletor by the hood and threw him across the planet.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…whoa. Good arm.
HUER: He should be in the NBA.
BUCK: Unfortunately, Ninjor would try to find a way to outshine him there, too.
"HE-MAN, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Ninjor in pain.
WILMA: No! Don’t help him! Let him die!
BUCK: Yes, make him suffer!
HAWK: Death to Mary Sues!
HUER: Die, Ninjor, die!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…and take John Tyler with you!
Hordak had
found the new weakness and was bringing back the vision of how Kerry had
died.
HAWK: However, it was only available in pan-and-scan.
WILMA: It wasn’t worth converting to widescreen.
Almost crying,
HUER: After having been forced to read his own fics.
he took Hordak and threw him through the air.
BUCK: But when Hordak came falling back down, he drew his dagger, landed on Ninjor, and instantly slit the Mary Sue’s throat upon impact.
HAWK: We wish.
"Need some help, old friend?" asked a voice. It was She-Ra, she had come to
help. "Bout time you got here," Said Ninjor, remembering the promise
she made to him, "If you ever need me, just call and I'll be there."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…how the hell did she get here?
HUER: And when did Ninjor call her?
WILMA: Offstage!
"Let's
kick his ass." Said Ninjor.
HAWK: But since you’re his @$$, doesn’t this mean you have to beat yourself up?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…I hope not. I don’t want to see this guy make a shambles of Fight Club, too.
As soon as the battle was over,
BUCK: And note that we were never told what all this fight entailed, or who won.
Megatron said
one last thing, "Skeletor, Hordak, retreat! I'll be back, you fools, I'll be
back!" Skeletor returned to Snake Mountain, and Hordak back to The Fright
Zone.
HAWK: Uh…didn’t these guys take the Astrotrain to Cybertron?
HUER: I don’t think we were supposed to notice that little inconsistency.
He-Man gave She-Ra a hug and said, "Good to see you, sis." "You know I
wouldn't let Hordak harm our young friend."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…who’s talking here?
WILMA: Does it really matter?
Sitting silently, Ninjor was
thinking about the pain Hordak had put him through with Kerry's death and
said to himself, "Thanks, brother-in-law." "Need some help, Sonny?" asked
Prime." "I messed up when I called you Big Bot, huh?" asked Ninjor.
Prime just nodded. "Well, if you could give me a lift back to Franklin, I
would be happy so I could be there in time to sing for Kerry's funeral."
"No prob, get in." and he entered the shuttle. "Hey, He-Man, tell my
girlfriend that I'll be back soon!!!" yelled Ninjor, waving goodbye. "Sure
thing, Sonny!" said He-Man hoping to see his young friend again.
ALL: Confusion!
Chapter 4
Meanwhile, back on earth, an unsteady, 5' 6", dressed-up boy stood in
the living room of his friend's parent's house thinking, "Where the hell is
he, we're going to be late." "You seen that boy anywhere, Shelby?" asked a
lady who looked about 60 years of age, "No, Mam, Mrs. Linda, he must still
be at Ms. Polly's house, getting ready for the wake."
BUCK: Who the hell are these people?
HUER: Random Made-Up Characters 987,987-987,990.
"That boy is going to
get it when his Dad gets him." said Mrs. Linda Iverson, Ninjor's mother.
WILMA: Oh, good. Now we know who to go back in time and “fix” so Ninjor can never be conceived.
BUCK: Think we can do the same with his dad, while we’re at it?
Suddenly, a boy dressed in a red Duck Head shirt with blue jeans and hiking
boots on walked through the back door and into the living room. It was Sonny.
HAWK: Walking in clear sight of the scope on the sniper’s rifle.
HUER: Aim for the head! Aim for the head!
"Sorry I'm late, Prime and I got caught in traffic. He's waiting out front
for me with He-Man and She-Ra.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…they want to run him over with a Winnebago.
You going to ride with us, Shelby or you want
them to follow us?"
HUER: Follow, please. That way Ninjor will get run over twice.
HAWK: Roadkill, baby!
"You don't even give your mom a kiss, boy?" asked his
mother with a bit of an attitude in her voice. "Oh, sorry, mom." He said,
giving his mother a kiss on the cheek.
WILMA: Which she promptly washed off with hydrochloric acid.
"Where have you been, dammit, I've
been wondering when you were coming home." said an old man, looking to be
about 60 with soft gray hair, dressed up nicely. "Dad, don't worry, I have
some friends with me."
BUCK: All of whom are plotting behind your back and intend to kill you at the first available opportunity.
His dad didn't know that he was with He-Man on
Cybertron and that he and Prime were waiting outside with She-Ra until a cop
came and asked, "Who's that 18-wheeler for outside, those two people don't
have a license and said they were waiting for someone to come out so they
could go?"
BUCK: Holy Run-On Sentences, Batman!
"Oh, boy." said Sonny, and was getting ready to get his ass chewed
out by his dad and his aunt. "No need to worry, officer, I'm sure my SON has
a good explanation for it." said his dad, looking at him with that mean look.
WILMA (as Mr. Iverson): You’ve been writing more of those Mary Sues again, haven’t you? Well, that’s it, young man! You’re grounded, and I’m confiscating your computer!
HUER (ditto): And I’m taking all your Internet porn for myself!
'Oh s**t.'
BUCK: Yep, that’s exactly what your fics are, kid.
thought Sonny as he started to explain about the whole incident on
Cybertron. "That's Optimus Prime out there with He-Man and She-Ra, you can go
ask them." Said Sonny, waiting for his dad to slap him upside the head.
ALL: Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him!
"Ok,
if you're lying, I'm taking you in." said the cop as he went to check.
HAWK: I have a better idea. Why not just skip ahead to giving him the death penalty?
HUER: How ‘bout we draw and quarter him? Drawing and quartering’s nice.
He
soon came back in, and said, "Ok, you're cleared." "Thank you," said his dad.
Then he turned to Sonny and said, "You are lucky your mom told me what
happened, or else you would be grounded for a month."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…why don’t you just ground him anyway for writing this crappy fic?
"Ok, dad. Let's roll,
Shelby." said Sonny as he walked over to Prime and continued, "I'm going to
ride with Shelby, follow us, ok? And He-Man, thanks for coming." "No prob,
man. Here, She-Ra and I made this for you." he said, holding out a wrapped
package. "I'll open it later, right now we've got to roll, see yall there.
Oh yeah, thanks to you too, Prime." "It was the least I could do." said
Prime, backing up so Shelby could get out.
BUCK: I think my head just exploded trying to follow all of that.
At the wake, Sonny and Shelby were outside smoking a cigarette when
He-Man came up to them. "I thought you'd quit." Said He-Man with an angry
tone in his voice, as She-Ra and Shelby's sister came up behind him.
HAWK (as He-Man): I thought I told you! NO MORE MARY SUES!
"My
nerves are bad, and me and Shelby are just chillin." said Sonny, not saying
anything about She-Ra and Christin sneaking up behind He-Man. "BOO!!!!!!"
She-Ra yelled, watching her brother jump 10 ft. in the air. "Don't do that!"
said He-Man as soon as he caught his breath. "Sorry, bro." She-Ra
laughed.
WILMA: We’ll see how sorry you are when he gives you a super-wedgie.
HUER: Nice to know Ninjor’s depicting the two stars of MotU as immature, childish brats.
"Hey Sonny, why don't you open that present we gave you now?"
Hot Rod suggested.
TWIKI (as Hot Rod): Beedy beedy beedy…and be sure to prick yourself on the poison needle we snuck in there.
"Ok, but if it's anything that's going to remind me of
that s**t on Cybertron, yall better haul ass."
WILMA: Because they don’t want to be caught in the blast when the bomb they gave him goes off.
"Ok." said He-Man as
Sonny pulled the package out of Shelby's truck. He opened it and it was a
brand new sword, well crafted in design, with a strange but beautiful symbol
in the middle of the scabbard." Damn, that's tight. What does the symbol
mean?"
BUCK: It’s an ancient Eternian hieroglyphic that reads, “He who bears this sword is a total [numerous obscenities deleted for the sake of our younger readers].”
He-Man put his hand on his shoulder and said "It's the symbol of
Grayskull. The Sorceress made it for you. I was supposed to give it to you
when you were able to handle it.
WILMA: And when it was obvious you needed something to compensate for having such a small sword already.
HAWK (grossed out): There she goes with the double entendres again….
It seems that time is now. " "Thanks,
He-Man." Said Sonny, hugging his friend.
ALL: (sounds of retching)
Back at Snake Mountain, "God Dammit!!!!!!" yelled Skeletor,
HAWK (as Skeletor): This fic’s still not over yet!
"We had
him right there.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…uh, where?
BUCK: Preferably a Turkish prison.
That f**king Ninjor is going to die, and I'm going to be the
one to do it."
WILMA: And suddenly Skeletor found himself showered with the praise and support of millions of He-Man fans worldwide.
"Calm down, boss." Said Beast Man, reading a scroll he had
stolen from Castle Grayskull.
HUER: When did he steal this scroll?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…damned if I know.
"You found anything in that scroll on how to
beat him?" asked Skeletor, sitting down in his throne of bones.
BUCK: Drinking from his cup of bones, eating sushi off his plate of bones, wearing his fuzzy slippers of bones….
"Yes, it says
the only way to kill a ninja is..."
HAWK: Ban him from writing Mary Sues?
"Well, speak up, you fool." demanded
Skeletor. "The rest is in a weird writing, I can't read it." said Beast Man.
WILMA: What, did Sonny write it?
BUCK: That would explain a lot.
"Give me that, you fool! Hmm, maybe Megatron could read it. Contact him on
Earth, Beast Man." And with that, Beast Man sent a call out to Decpticon
headquarters on Earth.
ALL (doing their best Ah-nuld voices): I’m Det. John Kimble! Who is yo’ daddy, and what does he do?
"Yes, Skeletor," said Megatron, "Can you read this?"
asked Skeletor, holding the scroll up to the monitor.
BUCK (as Megatron): No, the resolution’s too crappy. Next time use a better scanner and post it on AOL, willya?
"Yes, it says you
cannot defeat him." Said Megatron. "Quit toying with me, Megatron, what does
it say?" said Skeletor angrily. "I'm not toying with you, you cannot defeat
him, because he has a new sword that He-Man gave him.
HUER: Actually, you can’t defeat him because he’s a Mary Sue, and Mary Sues are notorious for making themselves invincible. But that’s beside the point.
It says the only way to
kill a ninja is by destroying his sword.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…funny, I always thought lethal weapons and fighting skills were all you needed to kill a ninja.
HAWK: Sonny’s obviously in Mary Sue overdrive here.
But the sword he has now is too
strong to be destroyed."
HAWK: Yup, I was right. He even included a loophole ensuring he can’t be beaten.
BUCK: Mary Sues. You gotta hate ‘em.
"DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Skeletor. "I'm on my way to Earth now."
"Wait, Skeletor, he's on his way back to Eternia Monday, wait until then,
I'll go there to help, because some of his Autobot friends are going with him,
and She-Ra is going to stay with him until this thing blows over." "I'll call
Hordak on Etheria, he'll want to do some damage." said Skeletor with a horrid
laugh.
WILMA: Would somebody please buy Sonny a clue as to how to write a conversation between two people?
"I know someone here on Earth who hates this Ninjor." said Megatron.
BUCK: “Someone” being any He-Man fan he chooses at random.
"He fought him once and lost. His name is Toutsu.
HUER: Toutsu?
HAWK: Bless you. Here, take some Kleenex™. It’s on me.
HUER: Smart@$$.
Ninjor helped a group of
ninjas defeat his clan of ninja thieves.
BUCK: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight….
WILMA: Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure he did….
HAWK: Yeah….
HUER: Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay….
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…whatever you say, Sonny….
(all give the screen some very rude gestures)
He has been looking for him ever
since." "Good, bring him." Said Skeletor. And they both laughed.
After the funeral and everything,
WILMA: Brilliant scene transition….
Sonny, Shelby, He-Man, She-Ra, and
The Autobots went to the house one of Sonny's sister's, Shelley, friend's
for the night and got drunk off their asses.
HAWK: On account of them wanting to forget this fic ever existed.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…how the hell can robots get drunk?
HUER: Now, now, Twiki, you’re using logic and common sense again. You know Ninjor can’t have that.
Prime told Sonny, "I'm going
back to Eternia with you and He-Man." "As am I." said Hot Rod. "Thanks,
guys," said Sonny, "I need all the company I can get. Orko is good, but I
need somebody who knows me real well, like you guys." "No prob." said
Hot Rod, looking down the road towards Shelley's trailer and thinking about
parking there for the night.
ALL: Our kingdom for a coherent paragraph!
"Hey, Hot Rod, come take a walk with me down to
Shelley's trailer, I need to talk to you." said Sonny, standing up with a
cigarette in his mouth. "Ok." said Hot Rod, transforming to his car mode.
HAWK: And running Sonny over, reducing him to a gory pulp. FIN!
BUCK: Wouldn’t that be nice?
"Hop in, I'll let you drive." He popped his top
BUCK: Eww! Robot man-boobs!
so Sonny could get in."Ok."
"So, what is it that you want to talk to me about?" asked Hot Rod, parking in
front of the trailer. "You know Shelby's sister Christin?" said Sonny,
taking a drag off his cigarette. "Yeah, what about her?" "I fell in love with
her."
HUER: Another girl?!
BUCK: Geez, this guy just keeps hopping from sack to sack!
WILMA: And they ain’t White Castle’s, either!
HAWK (doing the White Castle commercial voice): What you crave!
WILMA: Well, I think we all know what he craves…yecch.
Sonny said. "WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?" said Hot Rod, transforming. "I fell in
love with her. But I can't get with her, because I'm too damn ugly and
uncool."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…at last, another all-too rare moment of honesty from Ninjor.
"Sonny, you've got to think positively."
WILMA: OK, I’m positive that Ninjor’s ugly, stupid, dorky, a horrible writer, and the worst Mary Sue I’ve ever seen in my entire life. That positive enough for you?
"I know. But it's hard not
to, all my life I've been teased and s**t, and I have no positivity left in
me." said Sonny with his head down.
HUER: You also have no writing talent in you, either, but that doesn’t seem to stop you.
He thought of what Kerry and he would
talk about when he was like that.
BUCK: Uh…ehrm…ehnk…what the hell is this supposed to mean?
HAWK: Don’t ask. You’re better off not knowing.
"Man, you got to let it go, maybe you have
a chance, you never know." Hot Rod said, picking him up in his giant hand.
"Now, how Would you like it if I asked her if she thought you were cute?"
asked Hot Rod, trying to get Sonny to smile.
WILMA: I’d say she’s extremely desperate and clearly hasn’t seen any truly good-looking guys in her entire life.
"Oh, I know she thinks my eyes
are pretty, she already told me that." said Sonny, smiling.
HUER (as Sonny): After I drugged her up, that is.
Christin came up
to them and said, "Hey boo, how you doing?"
ALL: “Hey, boo”?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…I don’t even wanna know.
'Oh God!' thought Sonny as he
hugged her. "Nothin, just chillin." He was thinking about kissing her, but
didn't because he was afraid she would slap the s**t out of him.
ALL: Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him! Slap him!
"That's
good." Christin answered, looking up at Hot Rod. "Hey, you want to go
riding?" "I don't think so, Bonnie would be pissed at us if we did." said
Hot Rod, looking at Shelby coming down the road.
HUER: Bonnie? Who’s Bonnie?
HAWK: Random Made-Up Character 475,836,021,738,987,472.
Chapter 5
Back at the Palace of Eternos: "Damn, that was one hell of a
workout." said Teela, out of breath. "I know, this sword The Sorceress gave
me is working out well." said a bare-chested man dripping with sweat. He wore
a black hood and mask, with black wide legged pants with boots. "You said it,
your skills are improving, Ninjor." "I know. Plus, I'm glad the thing with
Kerry is over."
ALL: Our kingdom for a conversation we can actually follow!
Said Ninjor, as he watched Orko practice for his performance
at dinner tonight. "Hey, Orko, have you found out what's for dinner?" a
strange voice suddenly asked. It was Cringer, Adam's pet tiger. "Fish!" Orko
answered. "And Ninjor is supposed to barbecuing for us."
HAWK: In that case, you’re better off calling for pizza.
"If I can get it
done in time." said Ninjor, removing his hood and mask to wipe the sweat from
his face.
ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Put it back on! Put it back on!
"Damn. You finally reveal the face, handsome." Said Teela, amazed
and surprised, because she had never seen it before. "Don't clown, Teela."
said Ninjor. "I'm not, you look good." said Teela aloud, and continued to
herself, "Too good."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…OK, she’s blind.
BUCK: Or delusional.
HUER: Or both.
WILMA: She thinks Ninjor’s good-looking? Good grief, hasn’t she been paying attention to Prince Adam/He-Man?
"Are you two arguing again?" a voice interrupted. The
two turned to see a man enter. He had blond hair, and was dressed chiefly in
purple. "Oh, Adam, yes." Teela said. "We're arguing about Ninjor's looks. I
think he looks fine, and he says no." She gave Ninjor a sexy look.
HAWK: Because she was clearly mistaking him for Brad Pitt, thanks to Ninjor seeing to it that she was Under The Influence.
"I have
a girlfriend, Teela." Said Ninjor.
BUCK (as Ninjor): Actually, I have three. I was thinking of having a Mormon wedding. What do you think?
"Only she , He-Man, She-Ra, The Sorceress,
and The Autobots know my real identity. If you find out, you're going to kill
me."
WILMA: Can’t she just kill you anyway, on principle?
"Oh, really, Sonny Iverson?" said Teela, going to kiss him.
BUCK: …and hopefully slip him the cyanide capsule.
Sonny backed
away and went to get dressed for dinner. "Damn!" he thought to himself. "How
the f**k did she find out?"
HUER: Well, the way you just magically seem to know everybody in the universe, sooner or later it was bound to come out.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…yeah, he’s even worse than Daredevil at keeping his identity a secret.
When he got to his room, he saw a strange object
on the wall above his bed. It was a ninja star, holding a note there. It
read: "If you ever want to see your girlfriend again, come to Snake Mountain,
alone. Skeletor."
WILMA (as Skeletor, lisping): I’ll be wearing my new purple lace merry-widow and I’ll have lots of whipped cream and love toys ready. Don’t leave me waiting, big boy.
BUCK: Well, I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing you in a merry-widow, Wilma.
HAWK: Me neither!
HUER: Me neither!
WILMA: Forget it, boys. This spandex military catsuit is the closest you’ll ever get.
ALL THE MEN: Damn!
"Hey Sonny, what's that?" said Adam. "Look, bro."said
Sonny, holding out the note. "Hmm, but ninja stars aren't Skeletor's style."
said Adam.
HAWK: He’s always been more prone to mindless cackling, overblown threats, and calling everyone boobs and buffoons.
"I know whose style it is. Toutsu." Said Sonny, balling up his
fist.
BUCK: And looking about as tough as a two-year old on a Mountain Dew rush.
"I think it's time to use this sword in real action."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…which you can start by impaling yourself on it.
"Whoa, man. You
know it, and I know it, this is a trap to kill you.
HUER: So let him go alone!
HAWK: Yes, let Skeletor slice him to ribbons!
WILMA: Skeletor killing Ninjor would be a good thing!
You have to let me and
The Autobots come along." said Adam,
WILMA (as Adam): So we can videotape your death and sell it at low, low prices on eBay.
looking down the hall to make sure
nobody was around.
BUCK: Because he was embarrassed to be seen within 20 miles of Sonny.
"Come on, we're going to Grayskull to see The Sorceress.
Maybe she can help." said Adam as he reached for his sword.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…preparing to chop off Ninjor’s head.
"Attention
Ninjor! You have 3 hours to save your girlfriend Teela.
HUER: Wait a minute. Ninjor just left Teela behind a minute or so ago. How could Skeletor have kidnapped her so quickly?
HAWK: It’s an IITS moment.
You must come alone
to Snake Mountain or else she will die." said a voice booming from The
Collector. "Listen up, Skeletor! You have Toutsu meet me alone in front of
Castle Grayskull, and tell him this will be our last fight, for one of us
will die!" yelled Sonny.
WILMA: And we fervently hope and pray it’s you.
"Agreed. I'll be there, just to make sure you are
alone." said Skeletor, laughing. "If you're going to be there, then
He-Man is coming with me." Said Sonny, holding up his sword, ready to kill.
BUCK: …himself, preferably.
"Sonny, you must let me come, too." said a young woman with blonde hair
and big blue eyes, wearing a red-and-white suit with red boots.
TWIKI (as Adora): Beedy beedy beedy…I have this new Sony digital camera I want to try out, and I really want to see Skeletor do his slice-and-dice job on you.
"No, Adora,"
said Sonny, looking at her. "You must stay here, in case Hordak decides to
come for me here."
HUER: “Stay here,” “come for me here”…geez, this guy’s repetitive, isn’t he?
"Sonny, Spirit and I just saw Hordak with Megatron,
Skeletor, and a little bald man named..."
BUCK: Mini-Me?
HUER: No, I think it’s Elmer Fudd.
TWIKI (Elmer Fudd voice…hey, Twiki’s played by Mel Blanc, after all): Beedy beedy beedy…be vewy vewy quiet, I’m hunting Mawy Sues. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha….
"Toutsu." Sonny finished her
sentence.
WILMA: So this great ninja Sonny claims to have defeated is a little bald man….
BUCK: Because God forbid he actually fight a real ninja who could kick his @$$ with both hands and feet tied behind his back.
"You're right, Adam, this is a trap." "Thanks, sis." Adam said.
HUER (as Adam): I never would have figured it out on my own.
HAWK: Hail the Queen of the Obvious!
And with that, the trio transformed into their alter egos.
"By the power of Grayskull!" yelled Adam, holding up his sword as lightning
struck it. "I have the power!" he cried, and there stood He-Man.
"For the honor of Grayskull!" yelled Adora, and sparks flew from the jewel
in the center of her sword. "I am She-Ra!" she cried, and there was the
princess of power. "Ok, let's go." Said Sonny raising his mask.
BUCK: And there stood a bespectacled, pencil-necked geek with delusions of grandeur and absolutely no writing talent.
And off they
went, with Optimus Prime right behind them.
WILMA: Whoa…where did he come from?
HAWK: It’s another IITS moment.
As they approached Castle Grayskull, The Sorceress spoke into
He-Man's mind: "He-Man, Ninjor must use the sword's power by calling on the
magic of Grayskull." He-Man relayed the message. "Ninjor, you must call on
the magic of Grayskull to defeat these goons."
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…we got it the first time, already!
BUCK: Repetition ahoy!
"Ok." said Ninjor. Pulling out
his sword and lifting it, he yelled, "By the magic of Grayskull!" Suddenly a
bolt of lightning hit the blade of the sword
HUER: Instantly burning Ninjor to a charred crisp and killing him instantly.
HAWK: Yeah, nice wish….
and Ninjor felt a new strength.
"I have the power!" he yelled.
BUCK: To suck harder than any other Mary Sue in existence.
As the light cleared, he was surprised to see
his body had grown stronger,
WILMA: But his brain still remained smaller than a molecule.
and he charged at Toutsu, sword in hand. As he
swung at him,
HAWK: He missed completely, leaving himself wide open for Toutsu to give him a well-deserved kick to the cojones.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…make sure he’s wearing those Rosa Klebb spike-shoes while he’s at it.
Skeletor jumped in
BUCK: And proceeded to lead the entire cast in a round of can-can dancing.
WILMA: Oooh la la, oooh oui-oui, this fic’s as stupid as can be!
and started to bring back the pain that
Ninjor had felt on Cybertron while battling Hordak. "HE-MAN, SHE-RA
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!" Sonny cried, as Toutsu began beating the s**t out of him.
ALL (cheering and chanting): Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu! Toutsu!
"Hang on, Ninjor!" cried He-Man, pulling Skeletor off of him and started
fighting with him, as She-Ra grabbed Hordak and threw him across the woods.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…damn, even she’s got a good arm.
HUER: She should be in the WNBA.
BUCK: Whoa, both these guys get thrown across the globe in this story? Why don’t they just look into another line of work?
"You killed our father. Now you will pay." said Toutsu.
HAWK: Make him pay for his crappy fics, too!
BUCK: “Our father”? What, does Toutsu have split-personality disorder or something?
"Bring it on, bitch."
said Ninjor, ready to attack.
WILMA: And there Ninjor goes, talking to himself again. He really should seek professional help.
"DIE, AUTOBOT!" yelled Megatron, shooting at
Prime. "Never!" yelled Prime, returning fire. "No you don't, Megatron!" said
Hot Rod, jumping on him and punching him in his metal jaw. "Out of the way,
Hot Rod." Said Prime, aiming his gun.
ALL: Our kingdom for an action sequence not dependent on pointless repetition!
As Hot Rod moved, Primed fired 3 shots
at Megatron, blowing him into little pieces.
HUER: Whoa, if it was that easy all along, then why didn’t Optimus just do it a long time ago?
HAWK: Because there wouldn’t have been a Transformers series if he had?
"You cannot win, He-Man."
Skeletor said. "We'll see about that, Skeletor." said He-Man as he picked him
up and threw him up in a tree, where he lodged amidst the tangled branches.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…that’s twice He-Man’s thrown Skeletor around in this story.
BUCK: You know, maybe Skeletor could have a promising second career as a medicine ball.
"Farewell, She-Ra." said Hordak, holding his arm cannon at her. "I don't
think so, jar-head." said He-Man. He pulled Hordak away from She-Ra and threw
him into the tree next to Skeletor.
HUER: Hordak’s getting thrown around like a basketball again? And twice in the last few sentences, to boot?
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…why do these guys even bother?
"Thanks." said She-Ra, hugging her
brother.
BUCK: Hoping He-Man had a plan to rid the universe of Ninjor once and for all.
"It's over Toutsu, give it up." said Ninjor, holding his enemy on
the ground with his sword at his neck.
WILMA (as Ninjor): I’m sick of being a virgin and I’m ready to get some, even by force!
HAWK: Ninja slash…boy, the things these fan-fic writers come up with….
"It is never over." said Toutsu,
trying to free himself.
HAWK: …hoping to escape this fic with his pride intact.
Ninjor said "Then Die." And with that, he cut off his
head and threw it into to the bottomless pit in front of Grayskull.
WILMA: Please tell me he chopped off his own head. PLEASE tell me he chopped off his own head.
BUCK: No, I think it was Toutsu’s.
WILMA: Damn!!!!
As
Skeletor and Hordak fled back to Snake Mountain,
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…uh…how the hell did they get out of that tree?
HUER: And shouldn’t Hordak be going home to Etheria?
HAWK: Sheesh, the continuity in this story’s more messed up than Hawkman’s.
the castle's jaw bridge was
lowered, and out came Teela and Ninjor's girlfriend Natalie Flores, his first
love.
BUCK: Ninjor walked away from Teela for only a few seconds to change his clothes…
WILMA: Then Skeletor miraculously captured her and held her hostage at Snake Mountain a few seconds after Ninjor left her…
HUER: Then Ninjor challenged Skeletor to a fight at Grayskull…
HAWK: And Teela was in the castle the entire time? WTF?!?!?!?!?!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…and that Natalie chick was with her the whole time? Why? How?
WILMA: Head…spinning…think…I…be sick….
As Teela went to kiss Ninjor, he ran past her and hugged Natalie,
HAWK: And Natalie’s not the least bit upset about his messing around with Christin, Amelia, and Teela….
BUCK: Ah, Mary Sues…they can shag as many people as they want and get away with it.
removing his mask to kiss her,
HUER: And making everybody vomit at the mere sight of his face.
happy to see her safe at last.
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…but she was never in danger! Teela was!
WILMA: Don’t confuse the issue with facts, Twiki. You know Sonny can’t be bothered with them.
"Well done,
Sonny," said the soft, gentle voice of the Sorceress. "You have finally found
the one thing that you were missing, the magic of Grayskull, and it shall
help you in all your battles."
WILMA: Except for the ones against all the He-Man fans he torqued off with his stories.
"Thank you, Sorceress." he said, hugging her.
"Now to get to dinner, I'm starved." said He-Man mounting on Battle Cat.
BUCK: Battle Cat? Where the hell did he come from?
HAWK: Another IITS moment.
"I'll be there in a little while." said Sonny, holding Natalie's hand. "I'm
glad you're safe, Sonny,
ALL: We’re not!
I was worried." said Natalie, kissing him.
HUER (as Natalie): …that you’d come out of this story alive and I’d have to still be a notch in your belt…oh, bloody hell, that is what happened!
"I'm
fine, let's get going." said Sonny.
WILMA: To hell!
****
The TV screen goes completely blue. Much to Huer’s terror, Buck, Twiki, Wilma, and Hawk are all glaring angrily at him.
HUER (nervous): Heh…um…I swear I had no idea that was going to happen….
BUCK: Beat his @$$ down!
TWIKI: Beedy beedy beedy…FREEDOM!
HAWK: Vengeance is mine!
WILMA: Die, jack@$$!
HUER: Oh, please don’t—
(they all dog-pile him and starting beating the crap out of him)
TV SIGNAL: That concludes our special test program. We hoped you’ve enjoyed this sample of DIRECT TV’s widescreen programming, and we look forward to many years of providing you with happy service. Have a nice day.
HUER (as he’s getting beaten up): Screw you, buddy—ow! Hey, ease up, guys! Ease up!