Two girls walk into a living room, one carrying a video cassette, the other carrying a bowl of freshly made buttery popcorn) First girl: Are you excited Black Pearl? Imagine our first Lord of the rings MST! Black Pearl: I think I'd be excited if we were in more appropriate surroundings, Kimmy. Kimmy: Like a theater? Black Pearl: We're broke. Kimmy: We can mope about it later, right now, let's get down to business. Black Pearl: Right (turns her attention to the audience) Hello! Welcome to our very first MSTing of an LOTR fic. I'm Black Pearl or BP, and this is my assistant Kimmy. Kimmy: (putting cassette in VCR) Why didn't we just burn this to CD? Black Pearl: (Clears throat) Kimmy: Oh. Hello in TVland! Black Pearl:.....just to warn you , Kimmy is a cheerleader. Kimmy: Whatever...let's just get to the fic (presses play) My Lord of the Rings Re-write: The Fellowship of the Ring Kimmy: A rewrite? Black Pearl: No, I think it may have been an attempt at a parody. You'll find out why I say "attempt" later on. Disclaimer: I don’t own anything but Raine, Kaley, Lynn, Dan, Scott, Josh and the parts of the story I made up. MSTer's Disclaimer: Black Pearl: The story isn't ours, none of the characters are ours, and anything that is has our names by it is. Got it? Of course you do. Moving on. Chapter 1: Threats and Invintations. Kimmy: (reaching for dictionary) Black Pearl: You know what the word means Kimmy. I awoke but couldn’t remember anything. Black Pearl: That ever happen to you? Kimmy: Only after a serious hangover. “Raine? Are you okay?” Asked Merry. Kimmy: (Raine): Raine? Who is Raine? Everything came back to me. Kimmy: "It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me noooow..." “You better run Pippin, cause you’re gonna be a dead hobbit!” I shouted. Both: ..... Black Pearl: We've missed something haven't we? Kimmy: Yes, an introduction of the characters, the plot, the beginning, a starting po-" Black Pearl: I get the point. Moving on. Pippin jumped from the tree he had just pushed me froma dn started running. Kimmy: Run for it Pippin! I started chasing him, but then the migraine hit. Kimmy: They had migraines in Middle Earth? Black Pearl: And Advil I'm sure. “You comin after me or not Raine?” “Oh I’ll come as soon as this migraine goes away!” Black Pearl: (Pippin) Pop a couple of pills and call me in the morning. “So your name came from the word migraine, eh Raine?” Called Scott. Kimmy: Who the heck is Scott? Black Pearl: You got me. “Hi Migraine!” taunted Josh. Kimmy: It's raining OC's! “You’d better run Josh, I won’t chase Scott cause Dan’s his best friend he can hurt me, but no one cares about you!” Black Pearl: o_O Kimmy: Okay....... “Are you Ms. Raine Larce?” It was a rider of Rivendell. Kimmy: I thought they were supposed to be called Riders of Rohan. Black Pearl: I thought this was supposed to be a rewrite. Nothing's perfect. “No I’m Kaley Carson and that’s Raine Larce,” I said sarcastically pointing at the real Kaley Carson. “Sorry Ms. Carson.” “You idiot, I’m being sarcastic, ofcourse I’m Raine.” Kimmy: Yeah, he's supposed know who you are, even though he's never seen you before. Black Pearl: I'm starting to see why Pippin pushed her out of a tree. He handed me, Lynn, Kaley, Dan, Josh and Scott each an invintation to a party hosted by Elrond in Rivendell. Kimmy: And he's giving them to these people because? Black Pearl: Who knows. Party at Elronds! “And who will your pals coming be?” Black Pearl: I love the way elves say the word "pal". “Peregrin Took, Meriadoc Brandybuck, Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee.” Answered Lynn. Black Pearl: I was just thinking, if this is a rewrite, why is it that we have no clue how the canon characters and the added characters know each other? Kimmy: We're still in the first chapter. Have faith. “Is Legolas Greenleaf coming?” Asked Dan. “Yes.” “Damn,” said Josh, he hated his younger cousin Legolas. (Josh’s last name is Greenleaf.) Black Pearl: Josh Greenleaf? Kimmy: Um, maybe it's short for something....elven. Black Pearl: Clinging to your faith? The rider left us to take care of a very pissed off Joshua Greenleaf. Pippin (who was still running) had just made it to Bagend. Kimmy: Lock the doors! To be continued (the story will get better) you will find out who Josh’s crush is in the next chapter. Black Pearl: Bet it's Arwen. Kimmy: It could be Aragorn. Both: .... Black Pearl: Now that would be a twist. Kimmy: Of course we've never been lucky. Chapter 2: Joshua Greenleaf occupation: Party Pooper Kimmy: So get him a diaper! I'm eating here. “Just because Legolas is better looking than you doesn’t mean that you have to be such a party pooper Joshua Greenleaf.” Black Pearl: Translation: there are a lot of people in the world with a mug prettier than yours. Deal. Kimmy: Joshua? Black Pearl: Well, as long as it wasn't Ferdinand, I'm happy. “It’s Josh and no he isn’t.” Both: Yes he is. “Face it man, Legolas is better at everything than you.” Kimmy: Man, with friends like these, who needs self depreciation? We were fighting with Josh who was being himself and trying to ruin our party just because his “annoying” little cousin Legolas was going. Kimmy: Legolas is not annoying! Black: No, but I'm sure being told that being yourself ruins things has got to hurt. “1670 isn’t exactly young Josh,” pointed out Lynn. Kimmy: Tell me that didn't just say that Legolas is 1670 years old. Black Pearl: It wouldn't be the first time someone screwed up is age, which is closer to 3,000 mind you. “Since when were you reasonable Lynn?” "Since we got invited to a party in Rivendell, Arwen might be going.” Black Pearl: (nudges Kimmy) “She like Loser Aragorn, not me.” Black Pearl: An elf with vocabulary and emotional problems. You just can't find stuff this anywhere! “I will remind you though, Aragorn is infatuated with Raine, not Arwen.” Said Dan. Kimmy: It figures. Black Pearl: I feel a migraine coming on. “Oh yeah, and that makes the situation soo much better for me.” I said. Kimmy: Got to love the Mary Sue in denial. “Not to mention Legolas and Boromir.” Black Pearl: Not to mention the fact that the hobbits don't meet these people until after they reach Rivendell “And Eomer.” Kimmy: What about Eowyn? Black Pearl: Nope, this is a "hot guys meet fan girls" party. Kimmy: Ooooh. I wonder if Faramir will be there. Black Pearl: If he is, this video goes in the garbage. “Okay guys, now would be a good time to shut up.” Black Pearl: That's the first sound advice I've seen since reading this. “Fine, I’ll come. On one condition.” “And what’s that?” Kimmy: Free happy meals at McDonalds! “Raine takes care of Aragorn and Legolas.” Black Pearl: To quote an earlier statement by Ms. Raine: "...and that makes the situation soo much better for me." “What why me?” Kimmy: Because they'll be drooling over her like dogs over a fresh bone? “Cause they like you?” Offered Pippin. Kimmy: Close enough. “Not helping Pippin, but it’s a deal,” I said, then I sighed. Life was going to be at it’s lowest point ever. Black Pearl:(Raine) And at such a point, I need to be slapped with a dead fish. Kimmy: I don't think she'd say something like that. Black Pearl: No, but I'd reeeeaaally like to slap her with a dead fish right about now. Gee, I can’t seem to make these chapters any longer, Kimmy: I'm not complaining but it’s only the beginning. Black Pearl: of the end? Next chapter is called Ringwraith hobby: being an annoying git with no body. Black Pearl: I take it this is something Ringwraiths do in their free time. Kimmy: Yes, assuming they have freetime to be annoying gits. Black Pearl: And assuming no one would be dumb enough to say that to their faces....or lack there of. Ringwraith- Hobby: Being an annoying git with no body. Black Pearl: Just as promised! “Frodo, hurry up, Dan’s getting mad!” I called at Frodo through his bathroom door. Kimmy: (Frodo) I cain't! I ate myself some pork and beans last night and it's tearing me up sumthin' fierce. Black Pearl: lol. I had warned him a little too late, Dan blew down the door with his magic. Black Pearl: Yep, pork and beans sure go a long way. “That’s a whole lot of Frodo,” said Merry. Black Pearl: (whistles) Kimmy: (covers face) Aaaah! My virgin eyes! Black Pearl: Virgin eyes? Yeah. Sure. “Not for Sam, he’s drooling!” yelled Josh. “EEEEEEEEEEEEW!” Screamed everyone (Especially Frodo) except Sam. Kimmy: Kinda hard to scream and drool at the same time. There was then an awkard silence in which everyone barfed. Both: o_O Black Pearl: Can there be silence when everyone's barfing at the same time? Kimmy: No, but let's move on before I start barfing. “Okay, Frodo, you travel with me, just so Sam doesn’t hurt you. Now let’s be off.” I said. Black Pearl: They aren't even going to clean up after all that puking? Kimmy: The scent of fresh vomit must be alluring at that time of year. “You do have the ring, right Frodo,” Said Kaley, Lynn and Pippin at the same time, all of them jumping in front of Frodo and doing the exact same thing. Black Pearl: ... Kimmy: Hard to picture what it is. “Okay, that was freaky, never do that again,” said Scott in terror. Kimmy: (Merry) But I like doing the twist. Pippin and Lynn then began screaming the song ‘On The Road Again’. Even the Wringwraiths who were twenty metres away could hear them. Kimmy: Oui, oui, when you are twenty "metres" away, I'm sure you can. Black Pearl: Forgive me for not paying attention in my math classes, but how far away is that? Kimmy: Not as far as it's being made out to be. “Can , can can you do the can can can you……..” they began bellowing they’re war cry making Lynn actually cry. Kimmy: I'd start crying to if I had to listen that ruckus. Black Pearl: These are the Ringwraiths? “Th-they’re wearing kilts and- and tank tops, I want my mommy!!!!!!!” she wailed. Kimmy: Ringwraiths in kilts and tank tops. My God, what is the world coming to? Black Pearl: Very bad fashion. “Come on guys, at least wear undies and cover up a bit more. It says here in the script that you’re supposed to be wearing black robes. Catch when you’re dressed right.” Yelled Scott and Dan. Black Pearl: Well if your writer hadn't taken it upon themselves to make idiots out of the canon characters, we wouldn't be having this problem! Kimmy: I'd soooo have the moron who wrote the script fired. With those words we left the RingWraiths dumbfounded and ran to the Buckle berry Ferry. Kimmy: (to Ringwraiths) Hi, we've been lost since the beginning of the story. Gotta map? Extremely short chapter. Black Pearl: Extremely confusing, pointless, and thankfully short chapter is more accurate. Next Chapter is Josh’s Rival (dun dun dunnnn-er I mean- please stay seated for the entire performance) Kimmy: (starts to rise) Black Pearl: Don't even think about it. Kimmy: Can't we...take a bathroom break? Here’s a scene. Black Pearl: Right after the preview, I promise. I picked the smallest straw. Kimmy: sucks for you. “Ewwwwww,” I said. “Why do I have to share a sleeping bag with Strider- Dork?” 'Black Pearl: How else are you going to land a man? “Because you’re stupid enough to believe that I would make the draw fair, I mean come on.” Said Josh. Kimmy:(Josh) That's the last time I rig a straw drawing for you! “Then-then ummm- I’m going to tell my uncle Elrond on you.” I yelled. Kimmy: Greeeeaat! So now Elrond's her uncle. Black Pearl: A monkey's uncle. “Go ahead, but this way I get Arwen!” Kimmy: Get a personality first. Black Pearl: Wouldn't help. Unlike Migraine Raine, Arwen has taste. “Damn.” Black Pearl: Yes it's disapointing, but you'll get over it. “Uhhh, I’m insulted,” Said Aragorn dumbly. Kimmy: Just so it be known, lowering the IQ's of the canon characters will not save this story. “Not helping Aragorn.” Black Pearl: Nothing can help this story now. “Sorry.” Kimmy: So are we but it's true. Black Pearl: Okay, that's it for the first half. If you have masochistic tendancies or are just plain bored, feel free to join us again for the second half. Kimmy: We promise more laughs and mayhem! Black Pearl: And a free T-shirt! Kimmy: We don't have any free T- shirts. Black Pearl: If you can make empty promises, so can I. We'll be back. (Fades to black) **************** This is the end of the Msting of "My Lord of the Rings rewrite" Part one.