Fenrir sat down at his computer and decided to check his college e-mail.
He noticed that he had an e-mail individually addressed to each student,
instead of sending it to one e-mail that would route it to all of the students.
“Well, if some poor guy took all that time I might as well see what he has
>>Emory & Henry Students
Hmm… That’s us!
>>Allow me to introduce myself,
Whoooooo are you?
>>I am Staff Sergeant Michael Pollut
Mmmm poultry….uh…wait, never mind.
>>with the U.S. Army. I am a regular at your campus
The why haven’t I ever seen you? Hmmm?
>>and talk with students on occasion while I visit.
Oh, so you visit and spend most of your time in hiding? That doesn’t
make much sense….
>>The Staff at ECHO
Extreme Championship Horse Olympics?
>>was nice enough to allow me to contact you by e-mail
Yes, you and 10,000 spamers…
>>so I can share with you the opportunity's the Army can offer.
I believe you mean “opportunities.”
>>While I must admit this is not very personnel by way of e-mail.
Waits Uh…Sentence fragment?
>>It does have it's advantages,
Argh! Not “it’s advantages!” “its advantages!”
>>saving time and money for us and an unsolicited phone call from the
Army Recruiter for you.
If only, I used to get a least one of those a week.
>>The Army is always looking for the best and the brightest to fill
Well then why are you in it? Seeing as you seem to have failed basic
>>what better place to look for those people than at Emory & Henry.
Uh, how about a place with people dumb enough to sign up right now?
Trust me, you’ll be lucky if you don’t get viruses sent to you from the people
at my college.
>>I truly believe the Army is a great place to work
And get shot at.
>>or I would not have been doing it for over 12 years now.
Army man no pass English? That unpossible!
If you would like more information about the Army,
I would not.
>>please feel free to e-mail me back
Or, I could just sign you up for every spam mailing list on the net.
>>and I can set up an appointment to talk with you. The Army
is not for everyone,
>>if you are one of these people please e-mail a reply stating that
you are not interested
Oh, it’s much more than “not interested.”
>>and I will no longer try contacting you. Thank you very much for
the opportunity to tell a little of the Army story,
Story? I didn’t hear any story, just a bunch of rambling…
>>have a great Army day!
Okay, that’s it! You get beat with a stick!
SSG. Michael Pollut
Aww, but I want to join the special Jedi Knights part of the army.
>>***Full & Part Time Opportunities***
What? More of this stuff?
>>Staff Sergeant Michael C. Pollut , has important information about
Army opportunities for you.
And why does he refer to himself in the third person? Fenrir doesn’t
>>If you want to join a winning team,
Don’t join the French!
….some one just loves those little ‘ things don’t they?
>>Army is the best.
Except for all the other teams that win a lot.
>>Get job training, money for advanced education, money to repay student
loans and cash bonuses.
Did we mention you’ll get money?
>>Check out one of the country's oldest institutions
The Thomas Jefferson brothel?
>>of learning at http://www.goarmy.com/ and see what it has to offer.
“Learning”? Yeah! Let’s learn how to blow stuff up! Oh,
wait. I already know how to do that!
>>Whether you know the path you want to take after college or not,
the Army has full and part-time opportunities to suit your needs.
Like taking over the world? Cause that’s what I want to do after college.
>>If qualified you could receive:
>>An Army enlistment bonus of up to $20,000 or up to $8,000 in the
Ooohhh $8,000 to be among the first deployed!?
>>* The Army College Fund and Montgomery GIG. Bill up to $50,000 for
college after a 4 year enlistment or about $20,000 in the Army Reserve.
Yeah, but the band and me already have a “gig” this weekend. But not
>>* The Army's Loan Repayment Program, providing up to $65,000 to pay
off federally insured student loans. The Army Reserve has up to $20,000 in
Or you could just not pay them back at all…..
>>* Tuition assistance that pays 100 percent of tuition for classes
taken while serving - a great chance to start on an advanced degree. (This
is in addition to your GI Bill in the Army)
So basically while dodging bullets you can take that class in mass communications
that you always wanted.
>>You can enlist for as little as two years plus training time. In
those two years, you'all receive valuable training and gain the skills and
experience to be a success in life.
I’ll ignore “you’all” for now and move on to the “skills.” Like what?
Obey government. Government good. No thanks….
>>In the Army your college degree or credits will allow you to enter
the Army at an advance rank.
Well if I can come in at five star general then I’ll think about it.
>>Translation More money per year for yourself or family.
Nice to know they give the money to your family once you die horribly.
>>If you already have a family or are thinking about it, the Army will
cover health cost for them 100 percent and for a small cost share dental
care is provided.
So what you’re saying is that I allow myself to be brainwashed and get shot
at and you won’t even cover full dental for my family! Bastards!
>>The benefits start from day one, these are just a few things the
Army can offer.
Well, that and all the loving relationships that you can normally only get
>>To find out more about what the Army and Army Reserve have to offer,
visit your local recruiter or check out our web site at: http://www.goarmy.com
How about you “www.gohell.com”.
Michael Pollut, your local Army recruiter at:
(Address removed to protect the “innocent”)
(Same with telephone number)
<mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org> Michael C. Pollut
Come on guys, surely you the reader know some spam lists I don’t. Add!
IF NOT YOU WHO?
“Whom,” not “who” and…. someone else!
The hell? Old Legendary English Obese Bears Jogging?
Whew, glad that’s over.