Army Spam MST Fenrir sat down at his computer and decided to check his college e-mail.  He noticed that he had an e-mail individually addressed to each student, instead of sending it to one e-mail that would route it to all of the students.  “Well, if some poor guy took all that time I might as well see what he has to say.”

>>Emory & Henry Students

Hmm…  That’s us!

>>Allow me to introduce myself,

Whoooooo are you?

>>I am Staff Sergeant Michael Pollut

Mmmm poultry….uh…wait, never mind.

>>with the U.S. Army. I am a regular at your campus

The why haven’t I ever seen you?  Hmmm?

>>and talk with students on occasion while I visit.

Oh, so you visit and spend most of your time in hiding?  That doesn’t make much sense….

>>The Staff at ECHO

Extreme Championship Horse Olympics?

>>was nice enough to allow me to contact you by e-mail

Yes, you and 10,000 spamers…

>>so I can share with you the opportunity's the Army can offer.

I believe you mean “opportunities.”

>>While I must admit this is not very personnel by way of e-mail.

Waits  Uh…Sentence fragment?

>>It does have it's advantages,

Argh!  Not “it’s advantages!”  “its advantages!”

>>saving time and money for us and an unsolicited phone call from the Army Recruiter for you.

If only, I used to get a least one of those a week.

>>The Army is always looking for the best and the brightest to fill it's ranks,

Well then why are you in it?  Seeing as you seem to have failed basic English.

>>what better place to look for those people than at Emory & Henry.

Uh, how about a place with people dumb enough to sign up right now?  Trust me, you’ll be lucky if you don’t get viruses sent to you from the people at my college.

>>I truly believe the Army is a great place to work

And get shot at.

>>or I would not have been doing it for over 12 years now.

Army man no pass English?  That unpossible!

If you would like more information about the Army,

I would not.

>>please feel free to e-mail me back

Or, I could just sign you up for every spam mailing list on the net.

>>and I can set up an appointment to talk with you.  The Army is not for everyone,

Like me!

>>if you are one of these people please e-mail a reply stating that you are not interested

Oh, it’s much more than “not interested.”

>>and I will no longer try contacting you. Thank you very much for the opportunity to tell a little of the Army story,

Story?  I didn’t hear any story, just a bunch of rambling…

>>have a great Army day!

Okay, that’s it!  You get beat with a stick!

SSG. Michael Pollut
U.S. Army

Aww, but I want to join the special Jedi Knights part of the army.

>>***Full & Part Time Opportunities***

What?  More of this stuff?

>>Staff Sergeant Michael C. Pollut , has important information about Army opportunities for you.

And why does he refer to himself in the third person?  Fenrir doesn’t get it.

>>If you want to join a winning team,

Don’t join the French!


….some one just loves those little ‘ things don’t they?

>>Army is the best.

Except for all the other teams that win a lot.

>>Get job training, money for advanced education, money to repay student loans and cash bonuses.

Did we mention you’ll get money?

>>Check out one of the country's oldest institutions

The Thomas Jefferson brothel?

>>of learning at and see what it has to offer.

“Learning”?  Yeah!  Let’s learn how to blow stuff up!  Oh, wait.  I already know how to do that!

>>Whether you know the path you want to take after college or not, the Army has full and part-time opportunities to suit your needs.

Like taking over the world?  Cause that’s what I want to do after college.

>>If qualified you could receive:

Fabulous prizes?

>>An Army enlistment bonus of up to $20,000 or up to $8,000 in the Army Reserve

Ooohhh  $8,000 to be among the first deployed!?

>>* The Army College Fund and Montgomery GIG. Bill up to $50,000 for college after a 4 year enlistment or about $20,000 in the Army Reserve.

Yeah, but the band and me already have a “gig” this weekend.  But not in Montgomery….

>>* The Army's Loan Repayment Program, providing up to $65,000 to pay off federally insured student loans. The Army Reserve has up to $20,000 in loan repayments.

Or you could just not pay them back at all…..

>>* Tuition assistance that pays 100 percent of tuition for classes taken while serving - a great chance to start on an advanced degree. (This is in addition to your GI Bill in the Army)

So basically while dodging bullets you can take that class in mass communications that you always wanted.

>>You can enlist for as little as two years plus training time. In those two years, you'all receive valuable training and gain the skills and experience to be a success in life.

I’ll ignore “you’all” for now and move on to the “skills.”  Like what?  Obey government.  Government good.  No thanks….

>>In the Army your college degree or credits will allow you to enter the Army at an advance rank.

Well if I can come in at five star general then I’ll think about it.

>>Translation More money per year for yourself or family.

Nice to know they give the money to your family once you die horribly.

>>If you already have a family or are thinking about it, the Army will cover health cost for them 100 percent and for a small cost share dental care is provided.

So what you’re saying is that I allow myself to be brainwashed and get shot at and you won’t even cover full dental for my family!  Bastards!

>>The benefits start from day one, these are just a few things the Army can offer.

Well, that and all the loving relationships that you can normally only get in prison.

>>To find out more about what the Army and Army Reserve have to offer, visit your local recruiter or check out our web site at:

How about you “”.

>>Or contact
Michael Pollut, your local Army recruiter at:
(Address removed to protect the “innocent”)
(Same with telephone number)
<> Michael C. Pollut

Come on guys, surely you the reader know some spam lists I don’t.  Add!

>>Staff Sergeant
U.S. Army

“Whom,” not “who” and…. someone else!


The hell?  Old Legendary English Obese Bears Jogging?

Whew, glad that’s over.